A Matter of PerspectiveBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:20 PM GMT
See Also: 'A Matter of Perspective' Episode Guide
Data: I guess pretending you like painting is the only way you get to see a woman naked, Captain.
Picard: Hey, you never know. I might get some action with a thief who poses as an archaeologist.
Captain's Log: Well, unless this episode's going to be me painting naked chicks, the plot must be about to start.
Riker: (over the comm) This place sucks. I'm outta here.
Space Station: What? I'm insulted. Take that!
Picard: Alas, poor Riker. (ahem) He was not a great man, or even a wise man --
O'Brien: (over the comm) Riker's alive, sir.
Picard: Oh. Never mind.
Riker: I'm innocent! Innocent, I tell you!
Picard: Innocent of what? You haven't been accused of anything.
Riker: Wait five minutes.
Inspector Krag: I'm here to take that scumball off your hands.
Picard: Certainly. Wesley's over there.
Krag: Not him -- the useless one.
Picard: Counsellor, you heard the man.
Krag: No! I mean Riker.
Picard: Oh. Well, you can't have him...are you sure you don't want Wesley?
Picard: Riker's being accused of murder. He's in deep doo-doo now.
Troi: Oh, please. We all know he didn't do it.
Wesley: Quiet, you'll ruin the suspense.
La Forge: He's right...first we need to do a clichéd investigation.
Picard: Agreed. I'll handle Krag. La Forge and Data, you're in charge of technobabble. Wes, be annoying. And Troi --
Troi: I know, I know...moral support. Sit around and say nothing.
Riker: I'm innocent! Innocent, I tell you! Watch this simulation and see.
Holo-Riker: Well, Apgar, since I have no improper interest in your wife, let's have a look at those Krieger waves.
Holo-Manua: Waves, shmaves -- wouldn't you rather check out my curves, handsome?
Picard: Oh, this is realistic.
Holo-Riker: Look -- stop coming on to me or I'll have to kick the crap out of your husband.
Holo-Manua: Is that a threat or a promise?
Holo-Apgar: Gasp! Riker and my wife! DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE -- Ow!
Wesley: Hey! I think we can use technobabble to save Riker!
La Forge: I know you're supposed to be annoying, but the technobabble is my job.
Wesley: That's never stopped me before.
Manua: Hey everyone, watch this simulation and see how much Riker sucks.
Holo-Manua: My husband's research on Krieger waves is very impressive.
Holo-Riker: Speaking of waves, I've got a waterbed back on the Enterprise...want to do some research?
Holo-Manua: Go jump in the reactor, pig.
Holo-Riker: I'm not hearing a "no"....
Holo-Manua: What about my husband?
Holo-Riker: Meh. If he catches us, I'll kick the crap out of him.
Holo-Apgar: You pig! Get away from my wife! Take this, sleazeball!
(POW! WHAP! THUD!)
Holo-Apgar: (collapsing) Ooomph....
Holo-Riker: Now where were we, my dear?
Riker: They're lying! I'm innocent! Innocent, I tell you! You believe me, right Troi?
Troi: I'm sure you'll make lots of new friends in prison.
Riker: I thought you were here for moral support.
Troi: Meh. I wonder what Worf's doing tonight....
Picard: Well, Riker's done for unless there's some kind of convenient explanation for all this.
Troi: Yeah, but what are the chances of that?
Picard: I said, unless there's some kind of convenient explanation....
La Forge: (over the comm) Sorry. Captain, I have a convenient explanation for you.
La Forge: We know who did it. It was --
Picard: Quiet! That's my job! Just get on with the explanations.
La Forge: The fluxons were transboozled by the garglons in the reactor.
Picard: And so, in conclusion...Ha HA! The dead guy did it! So there!
Riker: Neener neener neener!
Krag: Shut up.
Picard: Well, at least we all learned a valuable lesson.
Wesley: That's right! Technobabble saved the day after all.
Riker: No, the important thing is that woman had the hots for me.
Picard: You're both wrong. The lesson is, I saved the day as usual. I rock!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.