11001001By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:07 PM GMT
See Also: '11001001' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: We've had some infrequent, harmless little problems with our holodecks lately, but I'm sure our forthcoming tune-up at Starbase 74 will change all that.
Commander Quinteros: You've arrived at last.
Picard: Yes. Now please explain the big mystery to us.
Quinteros: What mystery?
Picard: Your message ordering us here to pick up "the ultimate computer."
Quinteros: Huh? Did I forget to type in the word "nerds"?
Quinteros: Allow me to introduce....
One Zero & Zero One: BooDeeBaDeeBaDoop!
Riker: Let me guess. R2 and D2?
Riker: Are you doing something suspicious to that computer panel?
One Zero: (hides hacker's guidebook in his pocket) Oh, of....
Zero One: (hides chainsaw behind his back) ....course not!
Yar: We're off to play parrises squares against the station's top team.
Riker: You and Worf against those four big, tough guys? Isn't that unfair?
Worf: (to Yar) He is right. One of us should remain here.
La Forge: I'm teaching Data how to paint.
Data: What do you think of my first portrait?
Riker: Maybe you should learn to play the trombone instead.
La Forge: Look who's talking.
One Zero: Would you like to try....
Zero One: ....our holodeck enhancements?
Riker: Define "enhancements."
(A sultry holo-babe appears)
One Zero: Does that....
Zero One: ....mean yes?
Riker: Minuet, meet Jean-Luc Picard.
Minuet: Enchantée de faire votre connaissance, cher capitaine.
Picard: Incroyadible! Voo parlay zee French as good as moi!
La Forge: We're losing antimatter containment!
Data: (on shipwide comm) All hands abandon ship! Use five pads per transporter room only!
La Forge: That'll cause longer line-ups. Why not use all six?
Data: It adds suspense.
Picard: I should leave you two alone.
(Minuet kisses Riker. The Red Alert klaxon goes off.)
Picard: What's that sound?
Riker: (grinning) The smoke alarm, I think.
Picard: Computer, what's going on?
Computer: The Bynars have stolen the Enterprise.
Riker: What are they using as their getaway vehicle?
Data: We need to go after the Enterprise.
Quinteros: We can't. All our ships are either too far away or under repair.
Yar: What kind of an incompetent deployment system do you call that?
Quinteros: Standard Starfleet policy.
Picard: The Bynars have copied their entire planet's data files into our computer?
Riker: Yes, they're using the Enterprise as a giant CD-ROM drive.
Picard: That explains why the saucer section is spinning so fast.
Picard: We must transfer all this data back to their home world.
Riker: Sir, all we've got is a 56K modem.
Picard: That's all right. I have a deck of cards and some beer in my Ready Room.
One Zero: You have saved our world!
Zero One: You may now punish us as you see fit!
Picard: I ought to have you downgraded to that old Windows 95 operating system.
Riker: Sir, I recommend leniency.
Riker: Minuet's gone. She's been replaced by a 1960s lounge singer.
Picard: That doesn't sound so bad.
Riker: His name's Vic.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.