The SurvivorBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:05 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Survivor' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: The setting; the border of the Romulan Neutral Zone. The scenario; a ship has fallen victim to a meteor shower. A lone survivor awaits. Two ships. One destiny. And now -- 'The Survivor'.
Spock: It appears to be Carter Winston's ship -- a man who disappeared five years ago. I calculate the likelihood that it is actually
him to be--
Carter Winston: (upon materializing) Hello everyone!
Spock: --surprisingly high. Shall we proceed to the customary examination before being allowed to meet your long-lost fiancée?
Winston: By all means, let's.
McCoy: Woah, my instruments show you to be just a little off. Oh well, probably one of those incredibly-rare-in-Star-Trek coincidences.
Your fiancée is in the next room.
Winston: Thanks. Hey Anne, I really hate to let you down after all these years again, but I can't marry you anymore. I've changed too much. Sorry.
Anne: You know, if this were aired in the 90's such a change would definitely be questioned...especially after 5 years alone....
Kirk: Filing reports is boring. Something needs to happen.
Winston: Hey, I've got just the trick. I'll make you go to sleep, while I take on your form and masquerade as you on the bridge.
Kirk: Ah, another boring mission remedied. Thanksszzzzzz....
FakeKirk: No problem.
Chapel: Well it seems that, as always, your instrument readings were not just a coincidence.
McCoy: Jeez, anyone reading this figured that out two scenes ago; get with the picture!
FakeKirk: Mr. Sulu, set course into the Romulan Neutral Zone.
Sulu: Shall we prepare the rubber ears, Centurion costume, and funky mascara?
FakeKirk: That won't be necessary this time -- I've done enough work on my appearance lately to pass this off.
First Officer's Log: The Captain's acting crazy and irritable and stuff, and...oh wait, we don't suspect anything yet. My bad.
Kirk: *yawn* So, I trust that nothing crazy's happened while I was asleep, like flying into the Neutral Zone for instance....
Spock: Now that you mention it...hey, before you had a "fake" in front of your name.
Kirk: That would explain things, but why didn't you notice it when FakeKirk first walked in?
Spock: I just figured you were accessorizing for your visit to the Neutral Zone, like last time.
Anne: I need someone to talk to about my recently lost love!
FakeMcCoy: Hey, I'm always here to tell you to get over it.
Anne: Thanks...you're a great friend.
Kirk: Hey Bones -- say, what's up with your name?
The Real McCoy: *yawn*...Wha--?
Kirk: You do realize tables don't hum, right?
FakeTable: (turns into true Vendorian form) Well drats. I suppose this is where I make my escape then.
Kirk: Why? Why couldn't you fire, we could've had him!
Anne: I could never fire at the image of the man that I love.
Kirk: Even on stun? Yeesh!
Spock: Security teams report that he got away.
Kirk: You know Spock, sometimes you're not very helpful.
Captain's Log: Just when things couldn't get worse, we get caught by the Romulans. Not that this was a huge surprise, seeing as to how we're in the Neutral Zone and all that.
Romulan: (on screen) Hey, again? How come it's so hard just to stay out of our friggin' territory! We're seizing your stuff and all that,
so chop chop, hustle hustle!
Kirk: You know Spock, I sense a trap; the Vendorian made the course correction specifically so we could get caught.
Spock: Isn't that a little...speculative?
Kirk: Too late, I better yell at them before I lose my nerve.
M'Ress: Hailing frequencies open.
Kirk: Hey, we're on to you!
Romulan: (on screen) Excuse me?
Kirk: Yeah, excuse you! We caught your spy!
Romulan: Excuse me?
Kirk: Yes, we've gone over this, excuse you!
Sulu: Sir, we're losing shields.
Kirk: Crap, lost my nerve! Um, bye now.
Romulan: Excuse m-- (transmission is cut)
Kirk: Whew, glad that's over with...we coulda seriously screwed ourselves over there.
Anne: You! I'll get you this time, I've got it set to stun.
FakeWinston: Yep. Except I'm slowly becoming your ex-fiancé. That kinda happens when we take on forms, so you wouldn't want to shoot me.
Anne: That sounds like a trick if I ever heard one....
FakeWinston: It does, doesn't it? Kinda hard to believe when you think about it, but hey it's in the script....
Kirk: Bwah! I don't believe it, and I only just joined the conversation! Now, I'll just shoot at you....
Enterprise: Shimmy, shimmy.
Kirk: ...and you'll escape while the ship is under attack.
M'Ress: The Romulans, sir....
Romulan: (on screen) Braawrr, do not resist us, for we will win because good is dumb.
Kirk: Hey, we're not the ones saying 'Braawrr' here.
Sulu: The shields are coming up, so lets beat them up.
Kirk: Agreed. Fire on both ships.
Spock: The leader is disabled, the other guy is retreating. Maybe the Vendorian actually was a spy....
Kirk: If there's one thing you should've learned by now Spock, its that my speculation drawn on insubstantial evidence is always correct.
Scotty: I swear sir, I don't know how the shields came back up.
FakeWinston: I do! 'Twas me!
Kirk: Wonderful, tell it to the guard.
Anne: Yeah, tell it to me...over dinner.
FakeWinston: What? You actually accept that I am becoming Carter Winston? I'm not sure even I buy that....
Anne: Me either; but if you imitated Kirk, that means some of him must be in you too. You must've inherited some of his seducing skills.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed.)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.