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The Trek Nation - The Lorelei Signal

The Lorelei Signal

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:04 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Lorelei Signal' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We're en route to an unexplored region of space where explorers disappear every 27.346 years. Our next stop? An explored region of space that eats unexplorers.

Spock: Twenty seconds!
Kirk: Till?
Spock: Until we're given a plot, of course. Fifteen--
Kirk: Spock, do you hear that?
Spock: Hear what?
Kirk: The singing maidens; they have the most beautiful voices I've ever heard.... Quick, tie me to my chair!
Spock: So you won't be compelled to follow their enchanting voices?
Kirk: So I'll be ready when they come!

Chapel: You called?
Uhura: Yeah, do me a favor and look at the men.
Chapel: Do I ever stop?
Uhura: No, really. See their blank, emotionless stares?
Chapel: Is that some kind of deviation from the norm?
Uhura: They're not trying to act.
Chapel: My God, this is serious!

Spock: The signal's getting stronger.
Uhura: What signal?
Kirk: And the hallucinations too.
Uhura: What hallucinations?
Spock: You mean you're not affected? Something about you must be different from the rest of us.
Uhura: Well I'm the only black fe--
Kirk: Of course! We're being scanned by a racist probe!
Uhura: Pfft. On this show?
Kirk: Don't worry Uhura, we'll fight for your rights.... as soon as we've gone down to the surface to get some action.
Uhura: I uh... appreciate your concern.

Kirk: Oooo, pretty!
Spock: Scans indicate danger.
Theela: Behold my clan of bimbettes!
Spock: Oooo, pretty!

Theela: If you don't mind, we'd like to have you all for dinner.
Carver: Sounds great. What's cooking?
Theela: I'm thinking red meat.

Captain's Log: Hubbahubbahubbahubbahubbahubbahubba YOW!

Theela: So... anybody up for a good nap?
Kirk: Are you kidding? I could keep going for hourzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
All Present Males: Zzzzzz....
Theela: Success! Take them to... the Slumber Chamber!
Dara: Aw, that sounds lame.
Theela: Well that's what they're going to do there, no? Jeez.

Uhura: Men suck; as proof I shall ask the opinion of the computer.
Computer: As justification for your taking command, I declare the suckiness of men.
Uhura: See?
Chapel: Hey, you voiced the computer this episode!
Uhura: You have absolutely no room to talk.

Kirk: Hey, can we go now? We had an awfully good time, but--
Theela: Silence!
McCoy: Aah! (Thud)
Spock: Woaah! (Crash)
Kirk: Aw man, we're getting our male butts kicked.
McCoy: You know we are a bit debilitated.
Kirk: Pfft. Wuss.

Uhura: I hereby relieve you of command--
Scotty: uh...
Chapel: He does realize he's the only male on a ship full of women, no?
Scotty: uh...
Uhura: --on grounds of sheer stupidity.

Spock: I found a means of escape.
Kirk: Do tell.
Spock: We run from the compound into the huge urn outside. I'll stay behind and try to communicate with Uhura.
Kirk: Are you sure you wouldn't rather me contact the ship?
Spock: Quite sure. Quite.

Theela: We've lost them, girls.
Dara: Maybe they hid in the huge urn outside.
Theela: Are you kidding? That's where we keep the ashes of our previous guests -- they're not that dumb!

Spock: Spock to Uhura.
Uhura: (over the comm) Go ahead.
Spock: Send a landing party, quick! I ditched the others, but it won't be long before the blondes come to-- Oh no, they're here! Hurry Uhura, HurrAAAGGHHH! (static)
Uhura: Humph! Men....

Captain's Log: Ha! Who'd have ever thought I'd be recording one of these? Take that!

Uhura: Ready girls? What's our battle cry?
Female officers: Miniskirts rule! Redshirts drool!
Uhura: All right -- to the transporter pads!

Uhura: Where are our crewmates?
Theela: To tell you the truth, we really don't kn--
Uhura: Fire at will, women!
Taurean Women: Aiieeee!
Uhura: Oh, that felt good.

McCoy: What could possibly be worse than being stuck in a sooty urn?
Clouds: Drizzle, rain, pour.
Kirk: Keep up the good complaining, Bones.

Uhura: Yippee, yippee, I get to do plot exposition!
Theela: We used to have men, but we killed them. Now we have to steal yours.
Uhura: That sounded distinctly like you doing the plot exposition.
Chapel: Look, drowning old guys!
Uhura: And you get to do the feebleness-of-man exposition? No fair!

Chapel: Nothing's working.
Spock: You could use the transporter. Our odds are 99.7 to 1 to survival though.
Kirk: Oh, can it. How many times have we successfully cured ourselves with transporters?

Kirk: Thank heavens we're all back to normal. Now about that racist probe....
Uhura: That won't be at all necessary. Let's just get the hell outta here.
Kirk: Don't you want to help the poor women down there?
Uhura: Pfft. Screw women. Now, where did we leave off from in "Plato's Stepchildren"?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.