The Eye of the BeholderBy Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:10 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Eye of the Beholder' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: We are investigating the disappearance of the crew of the starship Ariel near the planet Lactra VII. I suppose I'll have to see what people I can undress... er, dress down this time.
Kirk: Lieutenant Commander Markel abandoned ship against protocol.
McCoy: You get away with breaking the rules every week.
Kirk: It's Kirkian logic, Bones. They have been missing....
Spock: Approximately 5 days, 2 hours, 4 minutes and 32.5 seconds.
Kirk: Let's put the Big Three of this series at risk as well, then.
McCoy: Fine; if I have to go, at least I can take the Vulcan with me.
Spock: It's a Class M planet. Surprised?
Kirk: Not really. Kirk to the crew of the Ariel: respond!
Communicator: Crackle! Beep!
Spock: It sounds like they're jamming the transmission.
McCoy: I had a feeling there was something scary about this place.
Kirk: Let's make ourselves scarce; there's a desert ahead.
Kirk: Let's give this desert critter its just deserts -- fire phasers!
Dinosaur: Row-- GAK!
Kirk: Where's Bones?
Spock: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: It came from over there. He's under the dinosaur!
Spock: No, It Came from Outer Space.
Kirk: Save the movie jokes for later. Why is he still kicking if he's dead?
Spock: I was hoping you'd ask. (singing) "Dem bones, dem bones they walk around...."
Kirk: Geez, and you recorded "Proud Mary". We can't sing him out, you know.
McCoy: Phew! It's life, Jim, but not as we know it. Thanks.
Kirk: This I like -- a forest landscape with a nice stream.
Spock: Environments this diverse must have been manufactured.
Kirk: Fire phasers!
McCoy: It's not working.
Spock: They hit a force field.
Kirk: Whoa -- a slug grabbed me!
McCoy: Now let's not get carried away.... oops, my mistake.
Kirk: I wish I had some salt and BBQ sauce.
Spock: I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't go well with the Prime Directive.
Kirk: No, but it's delicious with prime rib.
McCoy: Jim, that comes from pigs, not slugs.
Kirk: But what if I persuade them to marinate in oil and herbs?
McCoy: That's for a captain you won't meet until Star Trek VII.
Kirk: What are we doing here?
Spock: They're giving you flea powder. I'm just along for the wait.
McCoy: That's just because Vulcans make fleas green in the face.
Spock: I'm getting impressions; they're telepathic -- and they're laughing at my communication attempts.
Kirk: What are the Lactrans thinking?
Spock: Most thoughts are way too rapid to catch. I can only discern "Kirk is a jerk".
Kirk: That's either reusing part of "The Practical Joker" or the opinion of the co-stars.
McCoy: I haven't been a co-star since Season One of The Inanimate Series.
Spock: Temper, temper. It appears we will be moved to a new habitat.
Kirk: Lieutenant Commander Markel, why are you wearing Commander's stripes?
Markel: I too have delusions of grandeur. Meet Randi Bryce.
Kirk: Helloo-oo! I love your name, and don't let it stop at that, if you get my drift....
Bryce: Get lost. Try your luck with Lieutenant Randolph; she's sick.
Kirk: Then she really needs Doctor McCoy, not me.
Spock: We need a communicator. Focus, everyone.
Kirk: Time to fake a seizure. (grovel)
Markel: He's in his element before the producers of this show.
(A bowl of fruit appears)
McCoy: Think Starfleet, Captain, not starfruit.
Spock: Here comes a small slug, and it's got one.
Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise -- beam us aboard. Hey, it grabbed the communicator!
(Small snail is beamed away to the Enterprise)
Scotty: (over the comm) What in the blazes? A slug, and it isn't the Scotch kind.
Kirk: They're in my head.... AAAHHH! Get out!
Markel: I thought he was acting far too well -- this has to be for real.
Kirk: Why did the slugs attack me mentally?
Spock: Naturally, Captain, sluggish minds are attracted to their likes.
Kirk: I'll have you know whatshisface in The Fight Club wanted to face William Shatner in a celebrity fight.
Spock: Two words: walk over.
Kirk: Remind me not to mourn you in Star Trek II.
Kirk: Scotty -- good to see you. What happened?
Scotty: I connected with the wee one here. (singing) "I am snailing...."
Spock: I've caught more thoughts: you, Captain, are unworthy of this zoo, so we are free to leave.
Scotty: (singing to small slug) "For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne...."
Spock: Oh no, is he going to pester the world with an album, too?
McCoy: That's interesting coming from someone who released about ten of them.
McCoy: It sure feels good to be out of the zoo.
Spock: We will be welcome back in twenty or thirty centuries, Captain.
Kirk: Who cares -- there were no alien babes....
McCoy: ...and the humans were wise enough to be uninterested.
Kirk: (glares at McCoy) Incidentally, why do they reuse part of the storylines all the time?
Spock: They are probably hoping that you will finally get your act together.
Kirk: Why, Spock, I ought to slug you a good one! WHA -- (psssft)
Spock: Doctor McCoy, why did you sedate him?
McCoy: Because I haven't had the last word since "Journey to Babel"!
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.