The Counter-Clock IncidentBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:15 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Counter-Clock Incident' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: Our mission this, our last episode, is to canonize Robert April as the first captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. We shall do this by going to the planet Babel. Hopefully all the arguing voices won't notice.
April: This bridge brings back memories. I remember a time when --
Kirk: Yes, I know the feeling.
Sarah: The Sickbay brings back memories too. I designed half the equipment in there.
McCoy: Like the scanners, hyposprays, and diagnostic equipment?
Sarah: No, like the curtains, wallpaper, and carpet. As the first medical officer on a warp-capable starship --
Kirk: Wait. What now?
Sarah: Phlox is too incredible to be canon.
McCoy: Look who's talking.
Spock: Sir, you asked me to tell you when we were in range of the Beta Niobe Nova.
Spock: We are in range of the Beta Niobe Nova.
Kirk: Ah, excellent. (ahem) Mrs. April, the Beta Niovi Noba -- er, the Beba Niove Nota -- er, what I mean to say is --
Spock: There is a vessel approaching on collision course.
Kirk: Spock, that is not what I meant to say.
Spock: Oh. Well in that case, there is a vessel approaching on collision course.
Arex: The vessel is approaching at warp 36.
Kirk: TNG scale or TOS scale?
Spock: Don't worry Captain, it's impossible either way.
Kirk: Good. Lock a tractor beam on it.
Spock: Mr. Scott, it's possible in the TOS universe -- for a time.
Uhura: They're hailing us!
Karla Five: (on screen) !taht potS
Kirk: Oh great, another easy-to-decipher, backwards language.
Uhura: It's okay, she really is speaking backwards.
Kirk: Oh. Then in that case, tell her to "nowd lleh eht wolS".
Uhura: She's not answering, but heading right into the nova.
Kirk: I guess we'll have to lose the tractor beam.
Sulu: No effect.
Kirk: Can we disengage it once the vessel burns up in the nebula?
Spock: No effect.
Kirk: Just brake the damn ship, Scotty!
Scotty: No effect.
Kirk: AARRGHH!HHGRRAA :kriK
Captain's Log: We appear to be in a reverse universe. The stars are black, space is white. We're going in reverse, and we're being pushed by our tractor beam to the alien vessel. Don't ask, I'm as confused as you are. Just be grateful the backwards-speech stopped.
Scotty: All the controls are backwards!
Sarah: My flower has turned into a seed!
Spock: The ship's chronometer is running backwards.
Spock: We're all getting younger!
Karla Five: (on screen) How dare you interfere with my mission!
Kirk: We... we... we had no id-d-dea.
Karla Five: Cool it, I was just trying to sound intimidating.
Spock: We can understand her now that we are backwards.
Kirk: But shouldn't we be backwards now and her forwards?
Spock: Don't worry, the writing's backwards too.
Karla Five: Stop all that backtalk, we're going to Arret.
Spock: Are you a Narret?
Karla Five: How'd you know?
Spock: Lucky guess.
Karla Five: Let me introduce you to my son, Karl Four.
Karl Four: Hey there sonny boy!
Karla Five: ...and my father.
Spock: Aaaah! The illogic!
Kirk: Spock, in this universe illogic is logical.
Karl Four: We have to find a place where there is a nova in both our universes.
April: That would take an extraordinary coincidence.
Kirk: Here's one!
Spock: That's a smudge on the map, Captain.
April: Why don't we make one?
Spock: Isn't that impossible?
Kirk: Not in this universe, oh illogical one.
Captain's Log: We are heading towards a dead star in hopes of reviving it. Fortunately, that's logical in this universe. Or so I'm told.
Karla Five: (on screen) I wish you luck in your journey.
Kirk: And I thank you for sacrificing your ship.
Karla Five: Sacrifice? I said you could borrow it! Captain, I --
Kirk: Viewscreen off.
Spock: Captain, the youngest crewmembers have grown too young to function.
Sulu: Where am I?
Kirk: Seems like the same old Sulu to me.
Spock: You're going to be too young to command soon. Logically I should take command now.
Kirk: That's not logical in this universe.
Spock: You think you understand logic now? You didn't when you were middle-aged and balding!
April: Good thing you brought us old geezers with you. I formally assume command.
Spock: A sane Commodore? That kind of illogic transcends universes.
April: We did it!
April: Why don't we just use the transporter to change them back? Works on all the other series.
Sarah: And we could cheat old age, live our lives over again! WE COULD --
April: Hey, hey. I've got an insane Commodore precedent to break.
Kirk: You'll be pleased to know that Starfleet has sent a message -- you'll be allowed to serve another twenty years!
April: Nooooooo! Seventy-five years, and on the day I was going to retire... buy a boat and a house in the Rockies... I'm called back into service. Why I oughta --
Kirk: Sir, your sanity?
Spock: He's only being logical, Captain.
April: Oh, what would you two know?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.