RSS iconTwitter iconFacebook icon

TrekToday title image

The Trek Nation - One of Our Planets is Missing

One of Our Planets is Missing

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 8:58 PM GMT

See Also: '' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: A mysterious cloud has been tracked in this sector unlike any previously charted. What makes it unique, you ask? It's coffee-free!

Kirk: Well, here we are with an ominous-looking cloud and an inhabited planet, Mantilles. Seems innocent enough.
Sulu: Look, Captain, the cloud ate that desolate moon!
Kirk: Hahaha. Right, like that could happen. The moon's probably just passing through it.
Cloud: Burp. Mmm, excuse me.
Kirk: Well...it isn't heading straight for Mantilles, right?
Arex: Right. Oh, wait. Wrong, it's headed there now. Shall we investigate?
Kirk: Have I ever answered "no" to that question? Let's go already.

Kirk: If it's headed for Mantilles, millions will die!
Spock: Keep in mind, that's only if it actually eats Mantilles.
Kirk: Bones, should I risk alerting Mantilles?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist!
Kirk: Psychiatrists are doctors.
McCoy: I'm a ship's surgeon, not a brain surgeon!
Kirk: What about "Spock's Brain"?
McCoy: Stop messing up my comebacks!

Spock: I am of the opinion that this cloud is not from our galaxy, for some reason.
Kirk: Not from our galaxy for some reason, or you're of the opinion for some reason?
Spock: Same difference.

Cloud: Mmm, Ent-terp-rise. Gobble munch.

Sulu: Oh no, we're being attacked by antimatter enzymes!
Kirk: Scotty, make the shield do an antimatter charge!
Scotty: (over the comm) Eh?
Kirk: You know, kinda like antimatter radiation.
Scotty: Whatever you say...

Spock: Aha, I think this cloud is alive!
Kirk: That would explain why it's been anthropomorphized.

Kirk: Ah, Governor Wesley. Do you want the bad news or the good news first?
Wesley: Bad news, I guess.
Kirk: All right. In three and a half hours your planet will be eaten by a giant living cloud.
Wesley: That really, really, really sucks. And the good news?
Kirk: There was no good news. I just said that because I like clichés.

Kirk: Well, crew, any plans?
Scotty: I have one involving air hockey, duct tape, and a neutered badger.
McCoy: My suggestion requires old Tom Selleck movies, Billy the Bigmouth Bass, and a clarinet.
Kirk: Now then, any plans that will work?
Spock: We could always give it indigestion....
Kirk: Thanks, that's all I needed, everyone. Dismissed.

McCoy: I deduce from these explosions that we're in a region similar to the small intestine.
Kirk: Where'd you get that from?
Spock: Captain, I think we have bigger problems. We were in the stomach last scene, and now we're in the small intestine. You do realize where we're heading, right?
Kirk: Eww...deflectors on maximum.

Captain's Log: In 15 minutes we'll be all out of power and screwed. Good thing animated episodes only run half an hour.

Scotty: Wait, wait. Why don't we just beam a piece of antimatter from the cloud, and a piece of matter from the planet?
Kirk: Because you just now suggested it. But now that you mention it, sounds good enough.

Kirk: Spock, report.
Spock: We've discovered that the cloud has a brain. But not so fast; what happened with the whole anti-matter dilemma?
Kirk: What, isn't it obvious? We're still here, aren't we? Besides, by cutting to the chase we give the Big Three more lines. Now, about that brain. Let's shoot it.
Spock: Isn't that mean?
Kirk: Meh.

Captain's Log: Plans are currently underway to destroy this living cloud. Heheheheh.

Spock: Foiled again, Captain. The only way to completely destroy the brain is to blow up the ship.
Kirk: Ramming speed! Today is a good day to die!
Wesley: (on viewer) Just dropping a line to say we need sympathy and stuff.
Kirk: Well, forget that whole ramming thing. How about a nice, gentle Vulcan mind touch, Spock?
Spock: Okay.

Captain's Log: Spock's almost finished, but I doubt it will work. Well, I find it unlikely. It probably won't happen. It is possible. It could happen. Yeah, Spock'll do it right.

Spock: Yo, Cloud.
Cloud: 'Sup?
Spock: See that planet thing?
Cloud: Yeah?
Spock: It's full of living people.
Cloud: So?
Spock: We're poisonous.
Cloud: Ick. What do I do?
Spock: Go back from whence thou came.
Cloud: Eh?
Spock: Just scram.
Cloud: Ah, gotcha. Later.

Kirk: So, now that that's taken care of, how do we leave?
Spock: Remember that one opening? Well I hate to say it, but....
Kirk: I get the idea. All hands: now hear this. Brace yourselves!
(The Enterprise presses on at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.