Beyond the Farthest StarBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 8:09 PM GMT
Captain's Log: As we begin the fourth year of our five-year mission....
Lt. Arex: Sir, is this log entry part of the official ship's record?
Kirk: Give me one good reason why it shouldn't be. And who the heck are you, anyway?
Arex: The new navigator, sir.
Kirk: Spock, I'd requested a Deltan. Why did we get a three-armed, three-legged alien instead?
Spock: Apparently because Starfleet believes that many hands make light work.
Kirk: Mr. Arex, set course for the edge of the galaxy -- where no man has gone before!
Sulu: Sir, we've already been there three times.
Kirk: Quiet, Mr. Sulu. We've got a new navigator; don't make me commission another pilot too.
Sulu: That's "helmsman," sir.
Sulu: We're being pulled off course by a hypergravitational field!
Kirk: Spock, what's that thing we're heading towards?
Spock: It seems to be an economy-class black hole.
Kirk: Why "economy-class?"
Spock: Because it's dark grey and covered with craters.
Kirk: I was wondering why we could see it so well.
McCoy: We're trapped in orbit here?
Kirk: Yes, but the only alternative was to crash.
McCoy: Never mind that. What if there are people down there who mistake us for a sky god or something?
Spock: We are approaching an ancient starship of unknown design.
Uhura: It could hold a crew of tens of thousands!
McCoy: Or a crew of a thousand ten miles tall!
Spock: Your grasp of volumetric equivalences is abysmal, Doctor.
McCoy: Shall we discuss your grasp of hyperbole while we're at it?
Kirk: All right, let's beam to the outside of the alien ship.
McCoy: Jim, I don't trust these new life-support belts.
Kirk: Why not? They're much less cumbersome than our bulky old spacesuits.
McCoy: You're not kidding -- all they do is project a yellow line around us.
Kirk: They're also much cheaper.
Kirk: Look -- every compartment on the vessel's been ruptured.
Spock: I would speculate that the captain gave the order to destroy his own ship.
Kirk: Let's go find his log. I need to know if he was looking up data on ESP and that sort of stuff.
Kirk: Here we are, inside the bottle.
Spock: Inside what?
Kirk: The ship in the bottle.
Kirk: Good Lord, didn't anyone else build model spaceships when they were a boy?
McCoy: I think Jonathan Archer did.
Kirk: We're trapped in this control room!
Scotty: Our communicators and phasers have stopped working!
McCoy: And some kind of alien force is trying to break in!
Spock: Perhaps the information in this ancient log entry will solve all our problems.
Alien Captain: (on viewscreen) Dear future visitors. I regret being the harbinger of your doom, but....
Kirk: Could you please switch to another channel, Spock?
Sulu: (over the comm): Transporter Room! Did you get all four of them out?
Kirk: We're safe, Mr. Sulu. Transportation was 100% successful.
Kyle: (pointing to the rear transporter pad) Uh, sir -- make that 125% successful....
Spock: The alien magnetic organism has merged with the Enterprise's computers.
Kirk: How can you tell?
Computer Panel: (singing) It's not easy being green....
Kirk: Forget I asked.
Kirk: Who are you and what do you want?
Alien Voice: I'm God and I want a ride on your starship.
Kirk: What does God need with a starship?
Alien: I move in mysterious ways.
Spock: The alien must have spent ages imprisoned here at the galaxy's edge.
Alien: That is correct! And I need your ship to escape!
Kirk: Where do you want to go?
Alien: To the galaxy's centre!
Kirk: Good plan.
Alien: Obey me! I guarantee that I have no evil motives.
Kirk: I don't believe you.
Spock: I don't believe you either.
Alien: Do you also doubt me?
McCoy: Give me a minute -- I'm thinking.
Sulu: Captain! You're piloting us straight for the black hole at warp speed!
Alien: (fleeing) AAUUGGHHH! Let me out of here!
McCoy: (pounding the turbolift doors) AAUUGGHHH! Let me out of here!
Kirk: Relax, Bones...it was just a ruse to get the alien off the ship.
McCoy: Well, now that it's worked -- TURN THE DAMN WHEEL!
Kirk: Oops. I nearly forgot that part.
Kirk: Let's get back to our mission. Mr. Sulu, take us beyond the farthest star of our galaxy and begin star-charting.
Sulu: Won't that produce a completely blank map, sir?
Kirk: It's a dull job but somebody's got to do it!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.