BemBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:12 PM GMT
Captain's Log: We've had to take on an alien observer named Bem. Fortunately, he hasn't been much of a hassle so far. He usually just stands around looking Bem-used.
Kirk: Men, Delta Theta III may be a very dangerous planet. I hope I don't need to tell you to be careful, because I don't really care if you are or not. Beam us down, Scotty.
Bem: Hello! This one is coming with you.
Kirk: Mr. Scott, I said beam, not Bem. ...Mr. Scott?
Spock: He heard the word correctly, Jim. He walked into a beam.
Kirk: Just as long as he doesn't make a habit of it.
Bem: This one will set the coordinates for transport.
Spock: Perhaps someone qualified should --
Kirk: Now Spock, Mr. Bem is our guest. We can indulge him a bit. Energize.
Spock: Apparently he can deluge us a bit in return.
Kirk: So he beamed us down in midair six feet over a lake. It could have been worse.
Sulu: He could have beamed us down six feet under a lake.
Kirk: I was gonna say he could have started singing "Achy Breaky Heart," but yours is better.
Kirk: What's so funny, Mr. Bem?
Bem: Pants with arms. -- As a purely hypothetical possibility.
Kirk: Heh, that is funny. Now let's get out of this lake. I think we've been standing here conveniently unable to observe things underwater long enough.
Uhura: (over the comm) Sir, we're detecting some kind of anomaly on the surface.
Kirk: What kind of anomaly?
Uhura: Some. Weren't you listening?
Sulu: Another good answer would have been "We'll know after it eats you."
Kirk: Hey! Bem! Get back here! Where could he be going?
Spock: We must pursue him. We'll never hear the end of it if one of the inevitable redshirt traps on this planet kills him instead.
Kirk: Right. You and I will go. Everyone else, wait here so you can't help us if there's trouble.
Kirk: Bem! Wait! (gasp, pant)
Spock: Tired already?
Kirk: Have you seen the way we run on this show? Oh no! Bem's being captured by primitive spear-toting natives!
Spock: To assume they are primitive is rather prejudiced.
Kirk: I'm not just assuming. I heard one of them say "oog."
Uhura: (over the comm) We can't detect Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock anymore. Hooray!
Scotty: Unggh... we'd better go save them.
Sulu: You can barely stand, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: No beam can beat me up!
Scotty: Did I say "beam me up"?
Uhura: There was some static.
Kirk: Let's contact the ship and heyyyyy! These aren't our communicators! Or our phasers!
Spock: Indeed. Someone has substituted cunning facsimiles.
Kirk: Please -- these wouldn't fool anyone. Communicators shaped like the Enterprise's delta pins? Phasers the size of your thumbnail? Who could have done this, anyway?
Spock: The switch must have occurred in the lake. There is only one logical conclusion.
Kirk: What's that?
Spock: Telekinetic plankton kleptomaniacs.
Kirk: There's Bem in that cage. Let's rescue him.
Spock: "Let's rescue him."
Kirk: Shut up. At least we got separate cages.
Bem: This one is not impressed, Kirk captain. You have proven yourself a poor commander.
Kirk: This was all a test? That's not fair! I didn't get the chance to rig it!
Spock: It seems a rather dangerous test for you, Mr. Bem.
Kirk: Thanks for giving us back our real phasers. Now we can escape. And shoot the natives!
Native: Oog? (ZAP)
Kirk: Hee hee. Shooting natives.
Alien Intelligence: STOP! Who do you think you are, Cortez?
Kirk: No, I'm James Tiberius Kirk. Note the Tiberius. I'll be saying it a lot today.
Alien Intelligence: Well, you're not leaving. I hereby disable your weapons with my creepy voodoo mystical powers.
Spock: Jim, you know what to do.
Kirk: (ahem) Hey, mysterious voice, you could have stopped us before we escaped at all. You have made an error!
Alien Intelligence: Alien intelligence, not artificial intelligence.
Arex: I'm detecting lifesign readings, but very faint ones.
Uhura: All those arms and you can't do better than that?
Arex: At least none of them come from my pants.
Scotty: Well, I'm going down there. Sulu, assemble a security team that's both armed and wearing pants, just in case.
Kirk: Caged again. I'm starting to feel like Jeffrey Hunter.
Spock: How do your independent parts fly around like that?
Kirk: Wait! Come back! Let us out!
Spock: Don't worry, Jim. We can contact the alien intelligence by linking our communicators together or some such, and persuade it to release us.
Kirk: Yeah, but it won't be as cool as how he escaped.
Uhura: (over the comm) Oh hooray, you're alive.
Kirk: Nice to hear from you too. Look, we can't find Bem. Can you send down a security team in case we need to shoot something to save him?
Uhura: Scotty has one ready.
Kirk: Do they have --
Uhura: Arms and pants, yes.
Bem: Yes, internal combustion. See, you create a series of controlled explosions....
Kirk: Stop! You're advancing their society!
Bem: Kirk captain! You escaped without this one's assistance? And have come to rescue this one?
Kirk: That's right. Maybe you underestimated --
Bem: This one was incorrect about Kirk captain! This one has made an error!
Kirk: Uh oh.
Alien Intelligence: Do not destroy yourself, tripartite creature. We all make mistakes. It is part of the human condition to....
(35 minutes later)
Alien Intelligence: ....and that, in conclusion, is why all good little beagles go to Mexican heaven.
Kirk: Your wisdom has touched our hearts, O great one. Bem, are that one feeling better?
Bem: Indeed. This one has learned a great deal from the alien mind's philosophical views.
Alien Intelligence: They are collectively known as Wayism.
Bem: Perhaps someday this one shall be a Reverend of it.
Kirk: Oh ma Gog!
Captain's Log, Supplemental: Now that we've got all the requisite Andromeda references out of the way, we're going to break orbit. But not into three parts.
Uhura: We're receiving a farewell message from the surface, Captain.
Alien Intelligence: (over the comm) All these worlds are yours except for Delta Theta III. And Vagra II. Seriously, don't go there. I'd avoid Ortega too. And if you go to Z'ha'dum, you'll probably die. Other than that, knock yourselves out. Farewell.
Kirk: Wise words for us all to live by.
(The Enterprise tries desperately to outrace Bem's sound waves at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.