RSS iconTwitter iconFacebook icon

TrekToday title image

The Trek Nation - You Are Cordially Invited...

You Are Cordially Invited...

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:16 PM GMT

See Also: 'You Are Cordially Invited...' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: It's good to be back on DS9. Now, if only I could get rid of all the chewing gum Dukat stuck under my desk....

Sisko: Good morning, Major!
Kira: Good morning, you disgusting piece of filth.
Sisko: What?
Kira: Sorry, sir. It will take me a while to get used to not having Dukat in charge.

Sisko: Congratulations on your promotion to Supreme Commander!
Martok: Why oh why didn't you do anything to stop it? As compensation, I'm taking Worf as my permanent intelligence officer.
Sisko: Worf? Sure, it shouldn't be much of a problem fitting him in between duties here and his infrequent visits to the Enterprise.
Martok: Don't forget his upcoming marriage....
Sisko: Hmm. You know, that one just may drain too much time.

Worf: I would prefer to have our wedding on the Klingon homeworld, Jadzia.
Jadzia: If we have it here you can make Sisko and the others participate in your Klingon rituals.
Worf: Good point.
Quark: Great! Here's an estimate of what it will cost you.
Worf: I do not understand... what are these "damages"?
(SMASH!)
Alexander: Oops. Sorry!
Worf: Never mind.

Jadzia: And Worf picked the hors d'oeuvres, and the music, and the drapes, and the --
Kira: Why are you telling me this? I didn't ask about your wedding.
Jadzia: Humph. A real friend would be asking if it bothered me that Worf picked everything.
Kira: Oh, fine. Does it bother you?
Jadzia: Of course not! Yeesh, what a dumb question.

Worf: I have chosen you five as my bachelor party vict... guests. It will be a difficult ordeal, but I am so confident in you that I rate your survival chances as "not bad."
Sisko: I don't think any of us have a problem with that. My only question is what Barclay is doing here.
Worf: What? He's a guy I know. I can invite him if I want.
Bashir: Worf, he's been catatonic since you told him what this is about.
Worf: Then he cannot consciously feel pain? I upgrade his chances to "fair."

Sirella: Greetings. I am Martok's prejudiced, traditional wife.
Jadzia: Hi. I'm Worf's brash, controversial fiancée. Shall we begin the evaluation?
Sirella: By all means. I can hardly wait to fail you.
Jadzia: Hey, that's not fair!
Sirella: Heheheheh. "Not fair." I still hate you, but I'm beginning to like your sense of humour....

Worf: Wait, wait-- Your wife is opposed to this marriage? Can't you change her mind?
Martok: Well I would have a talk with her but I... er... we are Klingons!
Worf: I'm a Klingon. You're just whipped.

Alexander: What a dumb "party" -- sitting in a cave around a fire, watching the shadows move on the walls. I'm bored.
Bashir: We could pass the time by having a philosophical discussion on the nature of reality.
O'Brien: On a holodeck? I bet Plato would have had a field day with that one.

Worf: This four-day ritual symbolizes the trials of marriage: deprivation, blood, pain, sacrifice, anguish and death.
Bashir: It sounds just like one of my "Secret Agent" holo-novels.
Worf: What do you think I based this program on?
Bashir: Good thinking, Monsieur Duchamps.

Jake: My book got published!
Quark: You wrote a book? Ha! What was it, How to Be a Dumb and Stupid Hew-Mon?
Jake: You can't come up with a better putdown than that after the straight line I handed you?
Quark: Look, this wedding is straining my latinum to the limit. I can't budget for originality right now.
Jake: No kidding? Me too -- that's what we writers are all about.

Jadzia: How many times do I have to lift these ritual weights?
Sirella: Until you do it correctly or admit that you are unworthy to be a Klingon wife.
Jadzia: If I do it correctly, what comes next? Thirty minutes of ritual aerobics?
Sirella: No, sixty minutes in the ritual Nautilus machine!
Jadzia: And just what does a Klingon Nautilus machine look like?
Sirella: Use your imagination.

Worf: Who will volunteer for the trial of blood?
(Everyone but Bashir takes a step back)
Worf: Doctor! Excellent. On board the Enterprise, everyone would have been far too chicken to volunteer for such a grueling ritual.
O'Brien: Hey! I was on the Enterprise with you! I'm insulted!
Worf: Ah, another volunteer!

Lieutenant Atoa: This is a great bachelorette party, Jadzia!
Jadzia: And that was a great fire-dance, handsome.
Sirella: Enough! You flirt like a drunk Risian slut!
(POW!)
Quark: (aside to Jake) But she punches like a heavyweight Nausicaan boxer.

Bashir: This is the last time I'm ever participating in one of Worf's Klingon ceremonies. Why didn't you warn me?
O'Brien: On the Enterprise, Klingon rituals involved us hurting Worf, not the other way around.

Kira: And personally, I think Rosencrantz is badly underrated as a character.
Odo: Really? I found his personality quite lacking even for a solid. Now Guildenstern --
Jadzia: What the--? What were you two doing in my closet all night?
Kira: Talking about our relationship. Duh.

Worf: GASP! You have been partying! You bring dishonour upon our children!
Jadzia: We don't have children.
Worf: You dishonoured them clear out of existence! How can you do this to me? I try to treat you right: I write poems to you, I buy you Klingon death flowers, I torture my male friends on your behalf....
Jadzia: And it's not that I don't appreciate all that, but can't you see that your refusal to let me do raunchy dancing with total strangers is smothering me?
Worf: That does it! You're fired! I'll find someone else willing to brutally shorten her life by marrying me!

Quark: Have you guys heard? The wedding's off.
Bashir: Really? That means food! Sweet!
Quark: So wait, do you want just food or sweet food?
Bashir: Get us some blueberry pie! Ze blueberry, she is ze sweetest of ze --
O'Brien: Hey! I've warned you about the bloody French talk!
Bashir: But I am French. Can't you tell by my British accent?

Worf: I love Jadzia, but....
Martok: But nothing. If you love her, marry her. If you don't, marry Leeta.
Worf: Why her?
Martok: Because she's with a Ferengi and it's gross.

Sisko: Are you two eating?
Bashir: Nrrrph... sorry, I'm still chewing... there. No.
Sisko: Well, stop it. Worf's going to apologize, so everything will be back to normal and hey, are those blueberry muffins? I want in.
O'Brien: I thought Worf was going to --
Worf: (off screen) Jadzia, I am truly sorry for calling you a hussy, you skank.
O'Brien: Never mind.

Jadzia: Worf wants me to beg Sirella's forgiveness, but I refuse to humiliate myself like that!
Sisko: If you love Worf and want to marry him, then kissing Sirella's boots is a small price to pay!
Jadzia: All right, all right -- I'll do it!
Sisko: And make sure she's wearing them at the time.
Jadzia: Nuts.

Quark: Clear out, guys. The wedding starts in 21 seconds.
Bashir: What? But I have to finish my blueberry sundae!
O'Brien: What is it with you and blueberries?
Bashir: Lifelong love. Back when I was in college, my friends used to call me the Blueberry Dean. Okay, I guess they weren't really my friends.

Sirella: Do you, Worf, take this Trill of indefinable gender to be your lawfully wedded wife and husband in some proportion?
Worf: I do.
Sirella: Very well. Do you, Jadzia Hussy Dax --
Martok: Sirella!
Sirella: I apologize. Do you, Jadzia Ho Dax, take this girly man to be your lawfully wedded girly husband?
Jadzia: I do.
Sirella: Nuts. By the power vested within me by this half-@$$ed textual transcription of a complicated Klingon wedding ceremony, I pronounce you girly man and wife and husband in some proportion. You may kiss the bride. No, not you, Worf. Jake may kiss the bride.
Jake: Woo hoo!
(Bashir and O'Brien pound Worf with celebratory bats at Ravenous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.