You Are Cordially Invited...By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:16 PM GMT
See Also: 'You Are Cordially Invited...' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: It's good to be back on DS9. Now, if only I could get rid of all the chewing gum Dukat stuck under my desk....
Sisko: Good morning, Major!
Kira: Good morning, you disgusting piece of filth.
Kira: Sorry, sir. It will take me a while to get used to not having Dukat in charge.
Sisko: Congratulations on your promotion to Supreme Commander!
Martok: Why oh why didn't you do anything to stop it? As compensation, I'm taking Worf as my permanent intelligence officer.
Sisko: Worf? Sure, it shouldn't be much of a problem fitting him in between duties here and his infrequent visits to the Enterprise.
Martok: Don't forget his upcoming marriage....
Sisko: Hmm. You know, that one just may drain too much time.
Worf: I would prefer to have our wedding on the Klingon homeworld, Jadzia.
Jadzia: If we have it here you can make Sisko and the others participate in your Klingon rituals.
Worf: Good point.
Quark: Great! Here's an estimate of what it will cost you.
Worf: I do not understand... what are these "damages"?
Alexander: Oops. Sorry!
Worf: Never mind.
Jadzia: And Worf picked the hors d'oeuvres, and the music, and the drapes, and the --
Kira: Why are you telling me this? I didn't ask about your wedding.
Jadzia: Humph. A real friend would be asking if it bothered me that Worf picked everything.
Kira: Oh, fine. Does it bother you?
Jadzia: Of course not! Yeesh, what a dumb question.
Worf: I have chosen you five as my bachelor party vict... guests. It will be a difficult ordeal, but I am so confident in you that I rate your survival chances as "not bad."
Sisko: I don't think any of us have a problem with that. My only question is what Barclay is doing here.
Worf: What? He's a guy I know. I can invite him if I want.
Bashir: Worf, he's been catatonic since you told him what this is about.
Worf: Then he cannot consciously feel pain? I upgrade his chances to "fair."
Sirella: Greetings. I am Martok's prejudiced, traditional wife.
Jadzia: Hi. I'm Worf's brash, controversial fiancée. Shall we begin the evaluation?
Sirella: By all means. I can hardly wait to fail you.
Jadzia: Hey, that's not fair!
Sirella: Heheheheh. "Not fair." I still hate you, but I'm beginning to like your sense of humour....
Worf: Wait, wait-- Your wife is opposed to this marriage? Can't you change her mind?
Martok: Well I would have a talk with her but I... er... we are Klingons!
Worf: I'm a Klingon. You're just whipped.
Alexander: What a dumb "party" -- sitting in a cave around a fire, watching the shadows move on the walls. I'm bored.
Bashir: We could pass the time by having a philosophical discussion on the nature of reality.
O'Brien: On a holodeck? I bet Plato would have had a field day with that one.
Worf: This four-day ritual symbolizes the trials of marriage: deprivation, blood, pain, sacrifice, anguish and death.
Bashir: It sounds just like one of my "Secret Agent" holo-novels.
Worf: What do you think I based this program on?
Bashir: Good thinking, Monsieur Duchamps.
Jake: My book got published!
Quark: You wrote a book? Ha! What was it, How to Be a Dumb and Stupid Hew-Mon?
Jake: You can't come up with a better putdown than that after the straight line I handed you?
Quark: Look, this wedding is straining my latinum to the limit. I can't budget for originality right now.
Jake: No kidding? Me too -- that's what we writers are all about.
Jadzia: How many times do I have to lift these ritual weights?
Sirella: Until you do it correctly or admit that you are unworthy to be a Klingon wife.
Jadzia: If I do it correctly, what comes next? Thirty minutes of ritual aerobics?
Sirella: No, sixty minutes in the ritual Nautilus machine!
Jadzia: And just what does a Klingon Nautilus machine look like?
Sirella: Use your imagination.
Worf: Who will volunteer for the trial of blood?
(Everyone but Bashir takes a step back)
Worf: Doctor! Excellent. On board the Enterprise, everyone would have been far too chicken to volunteer for such a grueling ritual.
O'Brien: Hey! I was on the Enterprise with you! I'm insulted!
Worf: Ah, another volunteer!
Lieutenant Atoa: This is a great bachelorette party, Jadzia!
Jadzia: And that was a great fire-dance, handsome.
Sirella: Enough! You flirt like a drunk Risian slut!
Quark: (aside to Jake) But she punches like a heavyweight Nausicaan boxer.
Bashir: This is the last time I'm ever participating in one of Worf's Klingon ceremonies. Why didn't you warn me?
O'Brien: On the Enterprise, Klingon rituals involved us hurting Worf, not the other way around.
Kira: And personally, I think Rosencrantz is badly underrated as a character.
Odo: Really? I found his personality quite lacking even for a solid. Now Guildenstern --
Jadzia: What the--? What were you two doing in my closet all night?
Kira: Talking about our relationship. Duh.
Worf: GASP! You have been partying! You bring dishonour upon our children!
Jadzia: We don't have children.
Worf: You dishonoured them clear out of existence! How can you do this to me? I try to treat you right: I write poems to you, I buy you Klingon death flowers, I torture my male friends on your behalf....
Jadzia: And it's not that I don't appreciate all that, but can't you see that your refusal to let me do raunchy dancing with total strangers is smothering me?
Worf: That does it! You're fired! I'll find someone else willing to brutally shorten her life by marrying me!
Quark: Have you guys heard? The wedding's off.
Bashir: Really? That means food! Sweet!
Quark: So wait, do you want just food or sweet food?
Bashir: Get us some blueberry pie! Ze blueberry, she is ze sweetest of ze --
O'Brien: Hey! I've warned you about the bloody French talk!
Bashir: But I am French. Can't you tell by my British accent?
Worf: I love Jadzia, but....
Martok: But nothing. If you love her, marry her. If you don't, marry Leeta.
Worf: Why her?
Martok: Because she's with a Ferengi and it's gross.
Sisko: Are you two eating?
Bashir: Nrrrph... sorry, I'm still chewing... there. No.
Sisko: Well, stop it. Worf's going to apologize, so everything will be back to normal and hey, are those blueberry muffins? I want in.
O'Brien: I thought Worf was going to --
Worf: (off screen) Jadzia, I am truly sorry for calling you a hussy, you skank.
O'Brien: Never mind.
Jadzia: Worf wants me to beg Sirella's forgiveness, but I refuse to humiliate myself like that!
Sisko: If you love Worf and want to marry him, then kissing Sirella's boots is a small price to pay!
Jadzia: All right, all right -- I'll do it!
Sisko: And make sure she's wearing them at the time.
Quark: Clear out, guys. The wedding starts in 21 seconds.
Bashir: What? But I have to finish my blueberry sundae!
O'Brien: What is it with you and blueberries?
Bashir: Lifelong love. Back when I was in college, my friends used to call me the Blueberry Dean. Okay, I guess they weren't really my friends.
Sirella: Do you, Worf, take this Trill of indefinable gender to be your lawfully wedded wife and husband in some proportion?
Worf: I do.
Sirella: Very well. Do you, Jadzia Hussy Dax --
Sirella: I apologize. Do you, Jadzia Ho Dax, take this girly man to be your lawfully wedded girly husband?
Jadzia: I do.
Sirella: Nuts. By the power vested within me by this half-@$$ed textual transcription of a complicated Klingon wedding ceremony, I pronounce you girly man and wife and husband in some proportion. You may kiss the bride. No, not you, Worf. Jake may kiss the bride.
Jake: Woo hoo!
(Bashir and O'Brien pound Worf with celebratory bats at Ravenous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.