Wrongs Darker than Death or NightBy Andy Taylor
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:18 PM GMT
See Also: 'Wrongs Darker than Death or Night' Episode Guide
Jadzia: I want a party and I want one now! Maybe we should have a theme, like--
Worf: If this involves cross-dressing like the last one did, forget it.
Jadzia: Awww. Hey, Kira has flowers!
Kira: Shut up!
Jadzia: Are they for a boyfriend?
Jadzia: Are they for you?
Kira: NO! They're for my mommy.
Jadzia: Isn't she dead?
Kira: Oh yeah… Hey! I knew that already!
Dukat: Hey up, chick.
Kira: So, what brings this completely meaningless, random transmission?
Dukat: Random? It is your mommy's birthday today.
Kira: But she's dead.
Dukat: Oh yeah…Hey! I knew that already! Just for that, here's something to gross you out -- I used to do her!
Kira: That's impossible!
Dukat: I know about her mole cluster that spells "traitor" on her thigh!
Kira: NO! NOOO!
O'Brien: So you wanna talk obsessively about the Alamo for a year and a half?
Bashir: Sure why not?
(Kira spins her head 180°)
Kira: GET BACK TO WORK!
Bashir: Yeesh, she's in one. It must be that time of month.
O'Brien: I know! She should know that regular characters never do any work.
Bashir: How else would we get into trouble every week?
Sisko: So what did Dukat want then?
Kira: (sigh) He and my mommy used to be lovers.
Sisko: Eww! That's sick!
Kira: I know, I haven't stopped showering since -- the entire notion is way too dirty. Anyway, I want to use the Orb of Time to go back in time and see what happened.
Sisko: What, and gross yourself out even more? Besides, we only use that gimmick in comedy episodes--
Kira: GET ME THE DAMN ORB!
Kira: Hey, don't you kill my mommy!
Thieves: Awww, do we have to go yet? We only just got here!
Meru: Take a hike! And what do you mean, "mommy"?
Kira: Nothing! I just called you that so you would be my friend.
Meru: Oh. Okay -- mommy.
Young Kira: Mommy, what's that lady's name?
Kira: Note to self -- the girl knows everything.
Tromac: Deep Space-- um, Terok Nor is nearly built. Time for us to get some comfort women.
Meru: I can just tell that his job involves nothing comforting for me....
Meru: Actually, leaving behind a loving husband and three kids doesn't seem so bad -- they've given us fresh moba!
Kira: Good -- I can see that hating you won't be a problem.
Dukat: Welcome to Terok Nor -- I am Gul Dukat, and I love each and every one of you.
Kira: Yeah, like anyone would fall for that line.
Meru: Oh, he is so charming!
Dukat: Hello honey-bunch -- let me get rid of that scar for you.
Meru: Tee hee!
Drunken Cardassian #1: Love me!
Annoyed Comfort Woman #1: Get off me!
Drunken Cardassian #2: Love me!
Annoyed Comfort Woman #2: Get off me!
Kira: Oh, and what have you got to smile about?
Meru: The Prophets' sense of humour -- I have everything I ever wanted, except I don't want it.
Kira: You think you have problems?
Orb of Time: Hahahahaha -- Dukat loves your mommy!
Kira: Oh, go away, inanimate object.
Orb of Time: Ooh, I'm quaking in my boots.
Drunken Cardassian #3: Love me!
Kira: (sigh) What a night.
Drunken Cardassian #3: I wuv you -- let me into your quarters!
Kira: Get lost! Hey -- where's Meru?
Tromac: Right now I don't think she and Dukat want to be disturbed....
Kira: NO! Take this!
(Kira beats up a guard)
Tromac: No -- take this!
(Kira gets thrown into the Ore processing centre)
Resistance Guy: Ha ha -- you've been experiencing this reality for weeks....
Kira: Quiet, you.
Resistance Guy: …and your ‘friend' hasn't been on the station during that period....
Kira: Which part of quiet don't you understand?
Resistance Guy: …but she's back today -- with Gul Dukat.
Kira: SHUT UP!
Tromac: This way, loser.
Kira: I resent that.
Meru: Hiya! I've chosen you to be my mommy!
Kira: Oh great. Well, speaking of mommies, do you know who I wouldn't want as mine?
Meru: Why? (sniff) All I did was love Dukat!
Kira: You are so sick! What about your husband and kids?
Meru: I dunno. I suppose it doesn't help that I like sharing Dukat's bed--
Kira: Sick! Sicksicksicksicksicksicksicksicksick!
Meru: Umm, maybe you should see a doctor.
Alexander Siddig: Hi!
Kira: And there goes the fourth wall.
Kira: I wanna blow up things!
Resistance Guy: Okay.
Kira: Ah, I miss the ease of how one can blow up things when in the resistance. Tally ho!
Kira: Take me to Kira Meru!
Tromac: Hmm, should I be suspicious of your sudden change of heart?
Tromac: It's a good thing I don't trust you -- let's go.
Kira: Hi! I want you to be my mommy.
Meru: Hooray! Now I'll just listen to this conveniently timed transmission....
Kira: …whilst I set this bomb....
Taban: (over the comm.) Oh wifie how I miss you! I wuv you so much that I hope you're trying to make your new life bearable – after all, you are only doing this to help us! You deserve everything you get!
Meru: (sniff) Wah!
Kira: Aha. It appears that I have made an error in judgement -- let's get out of here!
Sisko: You know she only did what she had to for her family.
Kira: That's beside the point -- she grossed me out! The whole thing was just sick!
Sisko: I'd never have guessed… So why didn't you kill her?
Kira: I wish I had -- she pushed me to the edge, she totally grossed me out, and she even collaborated with Gul Dukat. But there's one thing you should know -- NO ONE EVER MESSES WITH THE TIMELINE ON THIS SHOW!
Sisko: But didn't you do that already, just by being there, meeting Dukat and everything?
Kira: Quiet, you.
(Kira's head spins at Ludicrous Speed.)
Andy Taylor is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.