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The Trek Nation - Whispers

Whispers

By Captain Carnotaur
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:00 PM GMT

See Also: 'Whispers' Episode Guide

O'Brien: Okay, so now I'm a fugitive, pursued by an armada of Federation vessels.
Computer: Yes, you're doomed.
O'Brien: Shut up. (ahem) How did I come to this?
Computer: You'd better not make any of those dumb childhood flashbacks, or I'll drive this shuttle into a star.

O'Brien: Good morning everybody!
Molly: Aaaaaaa! Bogeyman! OW!
O'Brien: Why did Molly just slam herself into a locked door?
Keiko: Just one of those stages kids go through.
O'Brien: Hope this stage ends soon, or I'll have to get a new door.

Sisko: Hey O'Brien. How was the trip?
O'Brien: Terrible.
Sisko: How were the Paradans?
O'Brien: Snobby.
Sisko: What did they smell like?
O'Brien: A combination of rotting vegetables and molten tofu. Can I work on the evil practical jokes we'll play on the Paradans now?
Sisko: Er, no. I want you to repair the upper pylons.
O'Brien: But they're working perfectly!
Sisko: Urm, uh, no they aren't. (Kira, I need those upper pylons down, and I need them down now!)

Bashir: I need to give you a decapitation.
O'Brien: A what?
Bashir: Oops, I meant an examination.
O'Brien: No thank you. I'd rather not have the entire station knowing how my bladders and kidneys are functioning.
Bashir: Hey, I didn't leak your medical records! It was Kira... honest!

O'Brien: Are you done yet? It's been 29 hours!
Bashir: One minute. I still need to run 492 more scans, not to mention 40 tissue samples.
O'Brien: I hate your guts.

Jake: Hey O'Brien! How was your physical?
O'Brien: Don't ask. I'm still trying to think up evil things to do to Bashir.
Jake: Er, whatever. Can you help me? I'm trying to build a really really really old piece of equipment.
O'Brien: What is it?
Jake: A phased quantum flux icodimensional thorium antimatter quasistabilizer.

O'Brien: Let me in.
DeCurtis: No can do.
O'Brien: Do it or I'll demote you to waste extraction.
DeCurtis: Sure thing! Just give me a second to input the code and ­--
Sisko: Open that door and I'll have you work at Quark's.
O'Brien: Siskooooooooo!

O'Brien: Where's Jake?
Keiko: He got sick. He can't come.
Jake: (starts to walk in) Hey gu­--
Keiko: Out, fool! (kicks Jake out and closes door)
O'Brien: Was that Jake?
Keiko: You're thinking things.
O’Brien: But what are those screams of agony coming from the hallway?

O'Brien: Heeeeeeeeey, baby.
Keiko: (smack) How dare you!
O'Brien: But I'm your husband!
Keiko: Oh, true.

O'Brien: Let's see if anything's wrong on the station. Computer, scan for moldy blue cheese.
Computer: Large quantities detected in DeCurtis' brain.
O'Brien: Ah, so that explains his behavior.

Sisko: Would you by any chance know the person who passed out all my personal logs and most embarrassing letters to everyone on the station?
O'Brien: Probably DeCurtis. You should demote him to waste extraction.
Sisko: Good idea.

O'Brien: Hey Odo! How was the trip?
Odo: Terrible. The Bajorans smelled like a combination of rotting vegetables and molten tofu.
O'Brien: That sounds oddly reminiscent of my vacation...
Odo: That's impossible.
O'Brien: Anyway, everybody on the station is acting wonky.
Odo: Wonky? In what way?
O'Brien: Well, Sisko's been peeking looks at my personal logs....
Odo: That's not odd at all.

Odo: Well, I've looked around, and I don't see anything unusual. Though you know, looking at your personal logs, I believe --
O'Brien: You looked at my personal logs? AAAAA! Everybody's after me!

Kira: We are the mob! We want your brain! Bwahahahahaha-- OW!
O'Brien: Shut up, freak!
Bashir: Just calm down while we give you this injection....
O'Brien: Get that harpoon away from me! It might be filled with nitric acid!
Bashir: Dangit. Alright, who told him? Kira, did you tell him?
O'Brien: That's it, I'm out of here.
Blue Cheese Explosive: (BOOM)

O'Brien: Jake! I need your help! They're all after me and --
Jake: Aaaaaaaaaaa! Bogeyman! OW!
O'Brien: I hate it when kids scream and then crash into doors like that.

Bajoran Phaser: Hey there.
O'Brien: Hey! How'd you become sentient?
Phaser: That's not important. Can I desert you now, rendering you defenseless and unarmed?
O'Brien: Uh, no.
Phaser: Too late.
O'Brien: I know I should have taken a Federation phaser...

O'Brien: Run to the hills, my fellow kinsmen!
Sisko: We have our hectobolt devices locked on your position! Don't move or we fire!
O'Brien: You don't even have hectobolt devices. Nyaa nyaa.

O'Brien: Aha! Caught you in the act!
Sisko: Act of what?
O'Brien: Of, er, something! Now step away from the phasers and put your door on the ground!
Sisko, Bashir, and Kira: Huh?
O'Brien: Er, I mean put your phasers on the ground and step away from the door. You too, stone-ghouls.
Paradan Stormtroopers: Make us, sucker.
O'Brien: Ow!
Sisko: Oh no! You just shot the man who was about to shoot me! How could you?
Paradan Stormtroopers: Your logic eludes us.

Bashir: Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
Real O'Brien: Hey, it's me!
Fake O'Brien: Hey, it's you! I mean me... I mean, er... it's a clone!
Real O'Brien: No, you must be a clone!
Fake O'Brien: No, you must be a clone!
Real O'Brien: No, YOU must be a clone!
Fake O'Brien: No, YOU-- GAK!
Real O'Brien: Ha. I got the last word.
(The crew return to DS9 at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Captain Carnotaur is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.