What You Leave BehindBy Andy Taylor
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:25 PM GMT
See Also: 'What You Leave Behind' Episode Guide
Bashir: Well, that was a gyp.
Ezri: Just count yourself lucky that you were drunk last night. I need to shower....
Bashir: She's the first person I slept with that I'm going into battle with too. It's a shame I only want one of us to come back.
Keiko: So when are you telling Julian that you're leaving?
O'Brien: At a highly convenient and relaxing time that isn't now.
Keiko: Don't worry, I'm not prying. Then again, I'm not caring much ever since I was forced into becoming a stupid background character.
O'Brien: Who said that?
Sisko: Right guys -- we're off to play war!
O'Brien and Bashir: Finally! Do we all die like at the Alamo?
Sisko: Is everyone packed?
O'Brien: Technobabble generator -- check!
Ezri: Three seasons' worth of CGI stockpile -- check!
Bashir: Plot ConvenienceTM randomiser -- check!
Nog: Lines for everyone --
Female Shapeshifter: So, we can either win and survive, or we can lose and, um, die. Guess which one I want!
Breen: Blah...Mwuh...Ugh...Mwar...Blurgh. (Belch.)
Female Shapeshifter: Great idea!
Damar: Why do we always have to be undercover?
Garak: I know -- lying and cheating so often is becoming clichéd. One day, I think I'll just make muffins!
Jem'Hadar Soldiers: Hello. Mind if you die?
Jem'Hadar Soldiers: Hey, you mixed it up, now it doesn't make sense. GAK!
Garak: That's the second uniform you've stolen from a Breen -- what do they look like?
Kira: When I took off the guy's helmet, there was a big bang and I saw a rabbit inside with a half-eaten pie and a random noise maker.
Sisko: How's the new Defiant holding up?
Nog: Well, the carpets are crap and the SFX are wrong. Oh, and it's not new.
O'Brien: I have something important to tell you.
Bashir: Erm, okay?
O'Brien: I'm leaving... my chair! I'm leaving my chair! Yeah!
Bashir: My God! Let me save it for you! I won't sit next to some stranger. I can't imagine life without you!
O'Brien: Oh heck.
Kai Winn: I see a few episodes of blindness have shut you up.
Dukat: I see it's taken you a few episodes just to read a book.
Kai Winn: Quiet, you. This conveniently timed series of events has left me ready to kill you -- er, free the Pah Wraiths. Yes.
Female Shapeshifter: The Jem'Hadar are our first line of attack. We will never change that.
Breen: Blah...Mwuh...Ugh...Mwar...Blurgh. (Belch.)
Female Shapeshifter: Excellent proposal!
Weyoun: Do you have to keep doing that?
(Room plunges into darkness)
Weyoun: Oh heck, now we can't communicate.
Broca: I believe it was --
Female Shapeshifter: (strangling Broca) You stupid, stupid man! Everything is your fault, everything!
Garak: I can't believe we just did that.
Damar: I know -- turning the lights out was a really brave act of terrorism!
Garak: Oops, power's back online. What say ye?
Weyoun: (over the comm) We have killed two million citizens! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Kira: Right then, I've had enough -- let's attack the Dominion Headquarters!
Damar: What will that accomplish?
Kira: I don't know, but at least we can kill even more people!
Damar: Fair enough.
Sisko: Oo, a split-screen conversation between a Starfleet admiral and the Klingon chancellor!
Admiral Ross: (over the comm) Say, where's the Romulan leader?
Martok: (over the comm) They're actually fighting with us?
Sisko: Shh! Big CGI sequence -- let's watch!
Odo: Er, we're in it.
Sisko: Oh fudge.
Defiant: POW! POW! POW!
Breen Ship: Nyaa nyaa, you can't catch me!
Odo: We're surrounded!
Sisko: Shoot something!
Defiant: POW! POW! POW!
Jem'Hadar Ship: Ooh, er -- GAK!
Defiant: Woo hoo!
Sisko: I told you to do that, I'm clever!
Odo: Riiiight. One down, another 3764 to go...
Mila: Dammit, eat my cooking! I'm not wasting my last scene's resources on you!
Damar: Mind if I waste my last couple of scenes' resources flirting with you?
Mila: Tee hee... hey! "Waste"?
Kira: Ugh, the prospect of Damar/Mira is about as pretty as Janeway/Paris.
(knocking at the door)
Mila: How odd -- are people meant to call for you at the cellar?
Gas Grenade: BOOM!
Jem'Hadar Soldiers: Ha ha, we caught you!
Garak: Guess not then.
Defiant: POW! POW! POW!
Cardassian Ship: Ow! POW! POW! POW!
Other Federation Ships: Could we not be destroyed please?
O'Brien: Well, now seems as good a time as any -- Julian, I'm leaving Deep Space Nine.
Admiral Ross: (over the comm) The Romulan flagship has been destroyed.
Sisko: Perhaps we should have told them to start fighting.
Jem'Hadar Ship: POW! POW! POW!
Defiant: Ow, ow, ow! Stop it!
Nog: Oh crap! Looks like we're done for.
Sisko: Man, I could go for some unprecedented help right about now....
Cardassian Ship #1: Hey guys, the Dominion is bad.
Cardassian Ship #2: Oh yeah -- let's get 'em!
Rest of the Dominion Fleet: Yikes much?
Weyoun: Long-range communications are back! Oh dammit -- turn them off again!
Female Shapeshifter: We're losing? (sigh) Fall back to Cardassia.
Weyoun: What advantage would that give us?
Female Shapeshifter: Well, as well as several shipyards' worth of ships, we get to go down in style. Let's exterminate all the Cardassians!
Weyoun: Okay. Deploying the Daleks.
Female Shapeshifter: Huh?
Weyoun: They're all we have left!
Dukat: So these are the fire caves? Where's the fire?
Dukat: Oo, mystical.
Kai Winn: I'm so hot for you right now.
Dukat: Ew! Wait -- you know I'm Dukat! You aren't meant to like me! Blech!
Sisko: Right then, let's see what we have to fight now.
(Viewscreen comes on; ships are everywhere)
Sisko: NOOOOO! (Runs round the bridge screaming like a little girl)
Garak: That was a lot for one part. Think we'll have anything left for the rest?
Kira: Well, there's this stupid door that we can't open.
Damar: Time for some death -- DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIE! Ow!
Garak: Oh, great going!
Damar: Keep -- GAK!
Garak: No! Now we'll never know what he wanted us to do!
Weyoun: Uh oh. Security's been breached.
Female Shapeshifter: Quick, get the guards!
Weyoun: Ahem. Security has been breached.
Female Shapeshifter: Oh. I suppose it doesn't help that the command centre is only ten meters away from the door, huh?
Kira: Aha! We have you surrounded!
Weyoun: Yeah, well... you smell! And Damar sucked! And so does Cardassia!
Garak: That's it! I've had enough of your witty comebacks!
Weyoun: Oh fiddle. They said they'd program those out of me the next time. GAK!
Female Shapeshifter: Oh, did you have to do that? I was beginning to think about thinking about liking him a little bit more!
Sisko: May I ask why you're talking to us if we're midway through a battle?
Kira: (over the comm) Shh! Anyway, the Female Shapeshifter's dying.
Odo: Woo hoo! Er, I mean, let me go over there and talk to her!
Sisko: Well okay, but no linking.
Odo: Yeah, like I'd do that -- she's way uglier than the last time.
Dukat: This drink you haven't touched but have done prayers over seems mighty suspicious.
Kai Winn: Yeah, whatever. Just drink it, it's only poisonous.
Dukat: Okay... hey! GAK!
Kai Winn: Ooh, I'm such a minx! Tee hee!
Odo: Hehe, you're dying and I'm not!
Female Shapeshifter: Meh.
Odo: Fine, you talked me into it -- let's link!
Kira: Yeesh, curing you seems to have made you really shallow.
Odo and Female Shapeshifter: Oooooh... aaaaah... mmmmm....
Female Shapeshifter: Woohoo, I'm cured -- time to take over the world!
Odo: (coughs sternly)
Female Shapeshifter: FINE! I quit! This war is over. Happy now?
Odo: Very. It's ironic, isn't it? If I'd done this the last time I linked with her we could have saved endless casualties -- hooray for linking!
Kira: Quiet, you.
Odo: By the way, I'm replacing her on the Founders' homeworld. I'm going home!
Garak: Well doctor, it seems my exile has come to an end.
Bashir: Why? So you can stay on Cardassia and rebuild it for a better future?
Garak: Hell no! Everyone I ever feared and hid from is dead! Oh, plus 800 million more.
Bashir: Actually, that's quite sad....
Garak: You're right! I HATE THE DOMINION! I'M FILLED WITH MURDROUS RAGE!
Bashir: Right, I think I'll be going now....
Sisko: Hey Worf, fancy being a Federation ambassador to Qo'noS?
Worf: I'm not cut out to be a diplomat. Though I sense I'm needed elsewhere anyway, so I'll go.
Sisko: What a guy. Hang on....
Quark: So let's see -- in a few episodes we have Gowron, Sloan, Damar and Weyoun dead, Garak back home, and now Odo, Worf and O'Brien leaving...
Vic Fontaine: I'm so emotional. I think I'll sing...
Quark: Everybody get outta here while you still can!
Vic Fontaine: And now... The end is near... Everyone's leaving... They've shed their tears...But I... I do not care... Now I'm alone... I'll have things MYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAY!
Kai Winn: Come here, Kosst Amojan!
Kosst Amojan: Oh, shut up! ZZZAP!
Kai Winn: Ow!
Dukat: Well lookie here, I'm all alive. Time to beat me some Emissary!
Sisko: Oo, oo, I know what my mommy wanted me to do now! It all makes sense!
Kasidy: Er, explain?
Sisko: Don't you understand? It's all so clear...
Kasidy: Er, could somebody restrain him?
Sisko: ...tra, la, la, la, la, la... (skips to the airlock)
Dukat: So then -- ready to fight?
Sisko: Hey, no fair! You flung away my phaser!
Dukat: I'll do much more than fling -- I am all-powerful!
Sisko: Ooo, you scare me so much with your flinging. Yawn.
Dukat: Excuse me for a second.
Kai Winn: GAK!
Dukat: Farewell, dummy-face! You were saying?
Sisko: Oo, er... KAMIKAZE!
(Both fall off the edge)
Kosst Amojan: GAK!
Sarah Prophet: Well that was just in the nick of time.
Sisko: Say, mommy, why didn't you save me, before I fell off the edge?
Sarah Prophet: Ummm....
Sisko: And while I'm here, why did you need an Emissary to do all your work for you? Before now you've zapped away 2800 Dominion ships with no effort!
Sarah Prophet: Honey, don't badmouth she who keeps you in existence.
Sarah Prophet: Besides, since you're a Prophet now, it's quite likely that you could be the Prophet that zaps away all those Dominion ships, or even the Prophet that met you first, or --
Sisko: No, no! Shut up!
Kasidy: Oh here you are, I've been looking all over for you!
Sisko Prophet: I'm not coming home.
Sisko Prophet: Well perhaps next year, when there's a yard sale on.
Kasidy: Yeah, right -- if you were ever coming back to us, more likely than not you would have appeared to us already.
Sisko Prophet: Yeesh. Women.
O'Brien: Ahhh, memories....
Bashir: Right, I'll be the suave hero and you can be the stupid fat sidekick.
Bashir: Another drink?
O'Brien: Well, I've already had 24, but what the hell?
Bashir: Chief, I hate you so much.
Odo: Ahhh, memories....
Odo: You know, I used to sleep in this bucket.
Kira: (sigh) I can't believe you never knew what it was used for before. Kinda explains why you never see an actual bathroom.
Odo: I love you, Kira.
Kira: Oh, how, er, sweet.
Odo: I love you, Kira.
Kira: Oh, you weren't joking? (kisses him)
Jake: Ahhh, memories....
Jake: I'm sorry I'm such a bratty kid, dad.
Sisko: Don't worry, son -- I'll make sure you pay for it later.
Sisko: My, you've grown!
Jake: Er, dad, don't we see each other every day?
Sisko: Nog, I hope you know that I consider you the only son I ever had.
Odo: Honeys, I'm home!
Great Link: GAH!
Odo: Okay, say goodbye to Quark, Julian, Ezri, Jake, and Kasidy, everyone else on the station and on Bajor. Oh, and don't forget to cancel my milk and my papers, and give my new address to the phone company --
Kira: Er, do you plan on leaving your people to die?
Odo: Oops -- later! (dives into the Great Link and starts doing the breaststroke)
Kira: So you're a lieutenant now, Nog?
Nog: Yeah. I bet Captain Sisko pushed for the idea.
Kira: Actually, since everyone left, we've been promoting everybody. Report to your new chief of operations -- Commander Morn!
Kira: He's ecstatic, really.
Jake: Gee, this sucks -- how come we get left behind?
Kira: I know, everyone's either gone or dead. What the hell do we get to do now?
Jake: Hey, the cameraman's moving.
Kira: Yeah, he's zooming out -- Hey, wait! He's leaving! Come back!
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed for the last time)
Andy Taylor is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.