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The Trek Nation - Trials and Tribble-ations

Trials and Tribble-ations

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:14 PM GMT

See Also: 'Trials and Tribble-ations' Episode Guide

Lucsley: We're from the Department of Temporal Investigations. You haven't heard of us before because we didn't exist until this episode needed narration.
Dulmer: Yes, and we believe that the truth is out there.
Sisko: Er, yes... so want me to start from the top?
Lucsley: Humor us. Except don't, because we hate humor.
Sisko: Right...okay, so we were orbiting Cardassia, when all of a sudden--

Waddle: Hey, nice to see humDIE HUMAN SCUMans again!
Bashir: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Waddle: Don't worry about it. So, I hear you brought the Orb of TiYOU'LL ALL PAYme on board as well.
O'Brien: Something seems a bit fishy here....

O'Brien: Sir, time's gone all wonky.
Sisko: Time's gone all wonky?
O'Brien: Yes sir.
Sisko: You don't have a better explanation than that?
Jadzia: I don't think he needs one with that on the screen.
Enterprise: Howdy.

Lucsley: That can't be right, ships don't say "Howdy."
Sisko: Please, this is a-- oh wait, that's right you don't do humor.
Dulmer: No, but the truth is out there.
Sisko: Indeed...back to the story.

Sisko: Odo, give us the rundown.
Odo: We've traveled back in time to the classic original series episode "The Trouble with Tribbles."
Sisko: Can you give us a synopsis?
Worf: You mean you haven't seen it? Wow...just wow.
Sisko: Please -- I was born over 350 years after it first aired!
Odo: Excuses, excuses.

Bashir: Hello, Lieutenant Sisko.
O'Brien: Hello, Lieutenant Bashir.
Sisko: Hello, Redshirt O'Brien.
Bashir, O'Brien, and Sisko: Helloooo Nurse Dax!

Bashir: (aside to O'Brien) Wow, do all the women in this century look like that?
Watley: Yes.
Bashir: Er, you weren't supposed to hear that.
Watley: It doesn't matter. In this century, we also will all fall head-over-heels in love with you no matter what you say.
Bashir: Ah...the days before PC television.

Waitress: What can I get you?
Odo: How about some blood wine.
Waitress: What's that? You're the second person who's asked for it today!
Odo: I can't imagine who the first was.

Uhura: Ooh, what's that?
Cyrano Jones: Why, a tribble of course! Wasn't the title obvious?
Bartender: The title also refers to certain "trials" with your tribble-ations.
Jones: I suppose it's not defacing a classic if we're re-writing a parody....

O'Brien: This whole relay is so cross-circuited, I wouldn't be surprised if it blew up in my face.
Redshirt: Hey! Scotty sent me to repair this relay!
Bashir: Well that explains that....

Odo: In my endeavor to understand humanoids, I got a pet. See?
Worf: A tribble? DIEDIEDIE!
Odo: Calm down, you know that does attract attention.
Worf: Don't tell me you named it....
Odo: His name is Spot. I must feed him and pet him and tell him he is a good tribble.
Worf: You mustn't feed him.

Uhura: (over the comm) All hands, red alert!
Sisko: Kira, what's going on?
Kira: (over the comm) A Klingon ship just decloaked and is heading this way.
Jadzia: Must be Koloth. I remember him telling me that Kirk was a loser, but he still regretted facing him in battle.
Sisko: But he did in the animated tribble episode!
Jadzia: You've seen that one but not this one? Wow...just wow.
Sisko: Shut up.

Watley: Hello again. You realize meeting me twice means we're destined to have some steamy scene together later.
Bashir: Come on, this is Deep Space Nine, not the original show; I wouldn't be surprised if I got beamed to the station without being able to say goodbye.
Kira: (over the comm) You've gotta help Worf and Odo; ready to beam over?
Bashir: See?
Watley: Well if you change your mind, I'll be in sickbay tomorrow to "play doctor." My name is as indicated. Good bye.
Bashir: Watley? that was my great-grandmother's name.
O'Brien: Well that should be a huge turn-off.
Bashir: Don't you see? I could be my own great-grandfather!
O'Brien: First off, that's disgusting. Secondly, it's genetically impossible.
Bashir: Oh, stop fussing over "technicalities."

Kirk: (in the background) I was unaware that 1,771,561 tribbles constituted a swarm.
Jadzia: Oh, come on! Can't we just say hi?
Sisko: Of course not; we can blend into the background with Forrest Gump-inspired technology, but interaction is a whole different story.
Jadzia: This is textual; you can do whatever you want!
Sisko: Yes, but we have a story to stick too.
Jadzia: I will wear you down eventually....

Bashir: Wow, I've never been on assignment to sit around and get drunk before....
Odo: We are waiting for Arne Waddle. Er, I mean Barry Darvin. Er....
Waitress: What can I get you two, besides hats?
O'Brien: Hats?
Waitress: Every other Starfleet officer here is wearing a "Koloth is a Loser" hat, to make fun of those Klingons.
Bashir: Klingons?
Waitress: Yeah. The ones over here that look like warrior-Mongols are from 1967, and the ones over there that look like overgrown Oompa Loompas are from 1996.
Odo: Wha..?
Worf: Klingons do not discuss make-up with outsiders.

Klingon: The Enterprise sucks.
Scotty: Fair enough -- Thwap!
Bashir and O'Brien: Uh...thwap?
Jones: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Beefy Redshirt: Stop that!
O'Brien: "Beefy Redshirt"? There's a first....
Beefy Redshirt: I come prepared.

Lucsley: A fight? You could've avoided that!
Dulmer: The truth IS out there!
Sisko: For the last time, all you have in common with Mulder are 6 letters!

Kirk: I want to know who threw the first punch!
O'Brien: It was me, I did it! I'm also the Klingon double agent, and Deep Throat!
Kirk: Very well, you're all sent to bed without supper -- not you Scotty.
O'Brien: (aside to Bashir) I love this no-interaction thing. I can say whatever I want without damaging the timeline!
Bashir: Yet I can't have sex with my great-grandmother.
O'Brien: The word "pathetic" comes to mind....

Waddle: Hello agaREVENGE IS MINEin.
Odo: You can give that up, your secret has been revealed already.
Waddle: The one about me putting a bomb in a tribble?
Worf: Make that two secrets.
Waddle: Damn!

Sisko: I just love scanning for tribbles!
Jadzia: I just love staring at doctors I hit on in a past life!
Sisko: I just love curbing your libido!

Scotty: They're into the machinery, through air vents just like those on the station, specifically the grain storage bins.
Kirk: Very interesting.
Jadzia: Funny how it's still called a space station, but we modernized spaceship into starship....
Sisko: They're going to the station, shouldn't we do something?
Jadzia: Only if we want to restore the timeline. Oh wait, I suppose you do have a point....

Spock: Captain, these tribbles appear to be gorged....
Baris: That's terrible!
Spock: ...and dead....
Kirk: That's worse!
Spock: ...and ticking.
Sisko and Jadzia: AGH!
Spock: Heh heh. Just kidding. Well, on the third one anyway.

Sisko: I found it!
Jadzia: How can you tell that's the one?
Sisko: Well the fuse certainly helps....

Sisko: So then, everything was fixed, except for one last thing....
Dulmer: is the truth But out there.
Sisko: That's not funny.

Kirk: Yes, Lieutenant?
Sisko: Could you sign my replicated uniform?
Kirk: Your mirror-universe miniskirt was shorter....
Sisko: Buh?

Sisko: See? No temporal violations. Just innocent film editing.
Lucsley: Well, it looks like everything's in order...would you say so, Dulmer?
Dulmer: mMurHMhmURhMM!
Sisko: Ah, no 24th century adhesives compare to the power of duct tape....

Odo: Did they ask?
Sisko: About the tribbles?
Odo: About the hats!
Sisko: Point; there are always plenty of Klingon ships around here to beam tribbles onto.
(The tribbles multiply at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.