The Way of the WarriorBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:09 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Way of the Warrior' Episode Guide
Kira: We've searched Level 17. It's not there.
Bashir: Where could It possibly be?
Sisko: Julian! Look out! It's behind you!
Odo: (tags Bashir) You're It.
Sisko: Another loss. We have to be better prepared -- the Dominion could declare Changeling Tag any time. Schedule another random drill.
Kira: Do you want a random drill or a scheduled drill? Make up your mind.
Sisko: How's your soufflé?
Kasidy: (turning green) It's good.
Sisko: Sorry. I've had a lot on my mind lately. The Dominion, the Cardassians... everything but hair, really.
Kasidy: Don't worry so much. Things are bound to start calming down.
Jadzia: (over the comm) Ops to Sisko. Klingons.
Kasidy: Yep, annnny minute now.
Martok: (over the comm) Greetings, honoured Federation allies! May my men come aboard for shore leave?
Martok: Excellent. Decloak the fleet!
Sisko: Fleet? Oh well, how bad can it --
193 Skrillion Klingon Ships: Hello.
Sisko: You know, you'll have an interesting time trying to find a shore on this station....
Martok: Too late. You said yes. Hahaha.
Quark: This is insane. My bar is full of Klingons and it's quiet.
O'Brien: Clearly they're plotting to kill you.
Quark: No, I'm very familiar with the sound of people plotting to kill me, and this isn't it. They're plotting something else.
Bashir: Maybe we'd better eavesdrop. Hmmm... I think I heard the word "honour"....
Quark: See? Nothing to do with me.
Sisko: (slashes hand with knife) Ow. There, are you satisfied that I'm not a changeling?
Martok: Indeed. A changeling would be too wimpy to cut himself.
Sisko: So what really brings you here, General?
Martok: The High Council has sent us to help you fight the Dominion in glorious battle!
Sisko: But the Dominion's been quiet lately. They're not even returning our calls.
Martok: They are waiting for the right moment. They have call waiting.
Kira: Jadzia, this holosuite program was a nice thought, but I'm not really in the mood for Trill spa treatments with all these Klingons around.
Jadzia: Yeah, the situation has us all worried.
Kira: No, I mean the room is actually full of Klingons.
Jadzia: Oh, them? They're part of the program. I like Klingons.
Garak: So that drink is actually part of you?
Odo: Mm-hm. I got the idea from Dr. Bashir; apparently his tennis racket is an extension of his arm.
Garak: I think you may have misinterpreted him. Hey, are those Klingons hassling Morn?
Odo: Uh oh. Must have been something he said.
Drex: Why don't you make me stop interrogating passers-by?
Odo: I'm the chief of security here. Whether you like changelings or not, you have to respect my authori-tah.
Drex: Very well. We will kill only your Cardassian friend.
Odo: No you won't!
Odo: You're not helping.
Garak: Oh good, my first customers of the day. How can I help you... four... Klingons?
Garak: I'm afraid that's on back-order -- OW!
Bashir: Boy, you really took a beating. Why aren't you pressing charges?
Garak: My dear doctor, I spend all day slaving over a hot iron pressing garments. Anything more would be pressing my luck.
Bashir: Hmm, déjà vu. I think I heard a joke like that from an Orion pirate once.
Garak: You've been among such unsavoury types as pirates? I'm impressed.
Kira: We're still not sure exactly how many Klingon ships there are. They keep cloaking and decloaking and firing on Captain Yates' freighter.
Kira: Oh yeah, that was the other thing I was supposed to tell you.
Jadzia: The Klingon ship has the freighter in a tractor beam.
Sisko: Hail them! You Klingon bastards, this is Ben Sisko of the Federation starship so much more powerful than yours it's not funny. Release my floozy!
Kasidy: (over the comm) Excuse me?
Sisko: ...Dax, did you hail the freighter instead of the Klingons?
Jadzia: All you said was "them"!
Sisko: Fire a warning shot, then hail the Klingons.
Captain Kaybok: (over the comm) What? Whaaaaaat? We're just searching for shapeshifters.
Sisko: You don't have time to play Check the Changeling. Because in five seconds I'm going to fire our spiffy new quantum torpedoes, and if you're still there, it's your problem.
Kaybok: Five seconds? You took that long making your threat!
Sisko: Good point. Fire all --
Kaybok: All right, all right, I'm going.
Kasidy: (over the comm) Thanks, Ben.
Sisko: All in a day's work. I would have done this for any innocent freighter captain.
Kira: What about the twelve freighters the Klingons seized before this one that you didn't do anything about?
Sisko: They were all guilty of things.
Jadzia: The Klingons have retreated outside Bajoran space. Now we can't touch 'em.
Sisko: They'd just better not --
Martok: (storms in, slams dagger into the desk, storms out)
Sisko: Uh oh. What was that about?
Jadzia: This is Kaybok's dagger. He's sending you a message.
Sisko: What message?
Jadzia: "Here, have this dagger."
Sisko: I think I know what to do. Curzon once told me that the only ones who can handle Klingons are Klingons.
Jadzia: He said that about the Dutch.
Sisko: I was paraphrasing.
Worf: (steps onto the station dramatically)
O'Brien: (over the comm) Worf! Worf, you fool! You're supposed to step onto the inside of the station!
Worf: What? I -- I -- (starts turning blue)
O'Brien: Hang on, I'll beam you inside. You're bloody lucky you have friends in low ranks.
Sisko: Welcome to Deep Space Nine.
Worf: Yeah, whatever.
Sisko: I was sorry to hear about the Enterprise. I know that ship meant a lot to you.
Worf: Oh, yes. It meant a surrendering captain and a vapid counsellor and an invincible chatterbox of an android and the children, oh Kahless, the CHILDREN! ARRRRRGH!
Sisko: I can see this is a sore subject. I just hope you won't mind helping us out for a while.
Worf: Well, this had better be worth my time. I was busy hiding out at the Boreth monastery waiting for my problems to solve themselves.
O'Brien: Let me introduce you to others. This is Julian, our Riker wannabe.
Worf: He wants to be Riker?
O'Brien: There's no accounting for taste. And speaking of tasty, here are the two women in our nine-person cast.
Worf: Do you always dress like princesses?
Kira: Sorry. Jadzia insisted I try her My Little Pony holoprogram.
Worf: Jadzia? As in the current host of Curzon Dax? His name is well known on Qo'noS. People are always saying "A Curzon you!"
Jadzia: Pleased to meet you. I'm sure we'll get along great.
Bashir: (Uh oh. Those two are hitting it off.)
O'Brien: (Don't worry, Julian. Worf may hold a girl's interest for a while, but Riker always gets her back eventually.)
Worf: You are Drex, son of Martok.
Drex: That's r-- OW!
Worf: What kind of stupid name is that for a Klingon? You don't deserve this dagger, you fuzzy warthog person.
Martok: You took my son's d'k tahg!
Worf: Just getting your attention. (stabs it into the table)
Martok: I will have this dagger, thank you.
Worf: So what's the fleet really doing here? You can tell a fellow Klingon.
Martok: You're right. Show me one and I'll tell him.
Holographic Monster: GAK!
Jadzia: Wow, you killed it and it wasn't even alive. I take it things didn't go well with Martok?
Worf: That d'soKd'paCh! I will never get along with him!
Jadzia: Then try asking someone you do get along with.
Worf: I don't think Chief O'Brien knows why the fleet is here.
Jadzia: Think harder.
Huraga: Why the fleet is here? Well... I suppose I can tell you. You did get me drunk and all.
Worf: I pride myself on my honourable tactics.
Odo: So, what did you learn?
Worf: Never to try and match drinks with a Klingon. Wait, how did you know I learned something?
Odo: I've basically been spying on you. You have your honourable tactics, I have mine.
Sisko: Cardassia? Why would the locusts be heading towards Cardassia?
Worf: There's been a coup. The military government has been replaced with a civilian one.
Sisko: And the Klingons are invading because they think the Dominion's responsible?
Worf: That, and civilian governments are easier to conquer.
Martok: Okay, you got us. We're planning to go kick the q'rAp out of Cardassia. But there are obviously changelings there! When has a government ever been overthrown without help from shapeshifters?
Sisko: If that's all the proof you have, the Federation can't possibly support you!
Martok: So who needs you? We can kick perfectly well on our own. Have you seen our boots?
Kira: Did you talk Martok out of it?
Sisko: He's thinking it over.
O'Brien: Sir, the Klingon fleet just went to warp. Their heading is straight for Cardassia.
Sisko: He'll decide annnny minute now.
Bashir: This is bad.
Worf: You don't know the half of it. I think my people are having a wave of Original Series nostalgia.
O'Brien: You mean we could be next?
Worf: And after you, those damn Organians.
Sisko: Well, Starfleet hasn't taken an official position yet. So we need to figure out something unofficial to do. Something... sneaky.
Quark: (over the comm) Did I hear someone call me?
Sisko: Close, but no. Get Garak.
Garak: You want me to take your measurements during a meeting? I assume you'll be ordering a crazy suit.
Sisko: Sure. Anyway, back to business. Worf, how many ships did you say the Klingons were sending to Cardassia to beat it up?
Worf: About 900.
Worf: Wait, I miscounted. 901.
Garak: The Klingons are coming! The Klingons are coming!
Dukat: (over the comm) You've told us that five times now as a joke.
Garak: I swear it's true this time!
Dukat: All right, I'll mobilize the fleet again. But if you're lying, you're officially the Boy Who Cried Worf.
Kira: According to Klingon transmissions we intercepted, the fleet is meeting with resistance.
Jadzia: Gee, I wonder who tipped off the Cardassians? Wink, wink.
Kira: Well, I wonder how we intercepted their transmissions. Did the messages take a detour on their way from one ship to another to come all the way out here?
Sisko: The Federation has declared the Klingon invasion officially "bad."
O'Brien: The Klingons won't like that.
Worf: No kidding. You don't want to know what that means in Klingon.
Sisko: Unfortunately, you're right. Gowron has torn up the Khitomer Accords. By all accounts, he spat on them and called them "bad."
Jadzia: You mean we're not at peace anymore? But I like Klingons!
Gowron: (over the comm) And we like you. With ketchup.
Sisko: Gowron! This is an unexcepted pleasure. See how I'm fearing your creepy eyes?
Gowron: (over the comm) Do not try to flatter me, human! I would speak with Worf! ALONE!
Sisko: By definition, if you're speaking with someone, you're not alone.
Gowron: I am SO not going to miss being allies with you people.
Worf: It is good to see you again, Gowron.
Gowron: And you, Worf! We should really spend more time together. I have something in mind.
Worf: Would it get me kicked out of Starfleet? Like everything else you ever suggest to me?
Gowron: Maybe. Come with us to Cardassia!
Worf: Can I think about it?
Gowron: Sure. Take as long as you need for five seconds.
Worf: Can I have longer?
Gowron: Your reluctance is all the answer I need! Get out of my sight! I revoke your honour, your family name, and your Death Library card!
Worf: I never visit the Death Library anyway. By the way, is that device on the head of your chair what I think it is?
Gowron: Pardon? I don't hear it when dishonoured people talk.
Worf: (checks) A forehead-smoother! I knew it!
O'Brien: You look pretty down.
Worf: (sigh) Now that I've lost my honour again I want to get as far away from everything as possible. I intend to resign from Starfleet.
O'Brien: Pfft. It won't take.
Sisko: I can't accept your resignation right now. Ask again later.
Worf: Wow, I've never seen a cue ball who was an eight ball.
Kira: Sir? The Klingons just broke through the Cardassian fleet.
Sisko: We'd better do something. Hail Cardassia Prime.
Kira: Yes, sir.
Sisko: And put away the party favours and noisemakers.
Dukat: (over the comm) What can I do for you, Captain?
Sisko: Dukat? You're in the civilian government?
Dukat: Why Benjamin, don't you think of me as a civil man?
Sisko: Oh, whatever. Get the council members and meet me at these coordinates.
Dukat: ...You didn't send me anything, you just said "these coordinates."
Sisko: Why should I make this easy for you?
Kira: Good thing we got all those new systems installed.
Sisko: What systems? Oh, the weap--
Kira: Shh. Don't spoil the surprise. Anyway, good luck saving the Cardassians. It's a worthy endeavour.
Sisko: Why are you grinning? ...Sisko to O'Brien. Will you check the Defiant for sabotage, please?
Kasidy: Awww, I just got back and now you're leaving. Our timing is just awful.
Sisko: Yeah, it's funny how you're never around when important stuff is going on. Almost as if you have something to hide.
Kasidy: (Uh oh...)
Sisko: Kasidy... you're not a shapeshifter, are you?
Kasidy: (Whew!) Nope. Definitely not a shapeshifter. Want me to bleed for you?
Sisko: I'll settle for a saliva check.
Jadzia: Course laid in. I hope Dukat guessed the right coordinates.
Sisko: Engage, and activate the cloaking device.
Worf: Dude! We have a cloaking device? The Enterprise only had a cloaking device once, and we gave it back!
Sisko: Well, we don't even follow the rules about where we're allowed to use it.
Worf: I'm never going back. Never!
Kira: Are the upgrades online yet?
O'Brien: Sorta. I've got the chance that they'll blow us up down to 35%.
Kira: Keep at it. I can't wait to start warping all over the sector!
O'Brien: Um, Major... we didn't get engines.
Kira: What? I specifically demanded that from Starfleet! And they agreed!
O'Brien: Don't tell me -- laughing in one's face is the Bajoran equivalent of nodding, right?
Jadzia: I'm detecting the wreckage of some Cardassian ships up ahead.
Worf: No way do we have time to check for survivors.
Sisko: (sigh) You're right. Make an official entry for the ship's record: "Sucks to be those ships."
Worf: Yes! Yes! Picard would have checked for survivors if he'd had the whole Borg collective on his tail!
Dukat: (over the comm) Save us! Saaaave us!
Jadzia: We'll have to fire on the Klingon ships to save Dukat and the council members.
Sisko: Arrrgh, difficult choice time. Any thoughts, Mr. Worf?
Worf: At times like this, I ask myself, "What would Kahless do?" And then I call Emperor Kahless and ask him. As a rule, his answers are violent.
Sisko: Then we fight!
Defiant: KAWHAM KAWHAM KAWHAM
Klingon Ships: Z'aP Z'aP Z'aP
Klingon Ships: Hey! Get back here with those council members! We have dibs!
Dukat: Well, I hope you're satisfied that I'm not a changeling now.
Sisko: It was nothing personal. I told Julian to test all of you.
Dukat: He amputated my arms and reattached them!
Sisko: I give him discretion in these things.
Quark: Care for a root beer metaphor?
Garak: What's that?
Quark: You take a scoop of metaphor and pour root beer on it. It's good if you like root beer, or, metaphorically, the Federation.
Garak: I don't like those, but I do like metaphors. I never metaphor I didn't like.
Quark: Good. No room for metaphobes around here.
O'Brien: The Defiant's back!
O'Brien: Along with, um, the entire Klingon fleet.
Kira: Maybe those Cardassians will still get killed now.
Odo: We may have to fight off boarding parties. Watch yourself -- Klingons hate anyone remotely like Riker.
Bashir: You be careful too. Bet they'd love to kill you.
Odo: Ha! A Klingon is about as likely to kill me as you are.
Bashir: (smiles) Yes, that's very unlikely.
Odo: What are you still doing here?
Quark: I can fight the Klingons too! Ferengi can be just as tough as any other race! Have you seen our whips?
Odo: Do you have one of those whips?
Quark: I have an IOU for a disruptor.
Odo: Simon Belmont you're not.
Garak: Guess what? I'm gonna help you fight.
Dukat: In a Cardassian pig's eye!
Garak: We don't have pigs.
Dukat: I was referring to you.
Garak: Oh, do I have something in my eye?
Martok: (over the comm) Return the council members to us at once!
Gowron: (over the comm) Perhaps my EYES will convince you!
Gowron: Then we will destroy you!
Sisko: Go ahead and try it. We're armed to the teeth now.
Gowron: <Us too, and we sharpen ours!> (closes comm)
Worf: He said --
Sisko: I know, "Today is a good day to die." That's what they always say.
Worf: Suit yourself.
Klingon Ships: Z'aP Z'aP Z-- OW!
Deep Space Nine: In yo' face.
Martok: What? Since when do they actually have torpedoes? They were totally faking in the pilot!
Gowron: We'll kill them hand to hand. Aim for their shield generators!
Martok: Those are shielded. Let's take out their shields first.
Gowron: So how do we take out the shields?
Martok: I know! Aim for the shield generators!
Jadzia: We've got boarding parties!
Kira: Where? I'll bring my party favours. -- OW!
Sisko: Rats! How did they guess that the exact centre of the station was a key area?
Klingon 1: GAK!
Klingon 2: GAK!
Klingon 3: GAK!
Garak: Who would have thought we could hold off so many Klingons by shooting at each other?
Dukat: I know! It's lucky we have such terrible aim.
Worf: (WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP) That's for killing Kira!
Kira: I'm not dead!
Worf: Oh. (WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP) That's for not finishing the job!
Jadzia: Ben, I'm detecting warp signatures. Our reinforcements are coming!
Sisko: Whew! I guess they haven't noticed we're surrounded by Klingons.
Gowron: (over the comm) You will not win! You will, in fact, lose!
Sisko: Not before my reinforcements get here. They're led by a Galaxy-class ship.
Gowron: Is that supposed to impress me? Galaxy-class ships are big fat targets.
Jadzia: I've always said that red-and-white colour scheme was a bad idea.
Sisko: Gowron, this is just what the Dominion wants us to do! Insult each other's ships while they sneak into the quadrant!
Gowron: Sigh... I suppose you're right. We'll call off this attack. But just this one.
Sisko: Good call. By the way, Vor'cha-class attack cruisers suck.
Captain's Log: Yeah, you heard me, *Captain's* Log. Booyeah.
Sisko: Are you sure you want to resign? There's no better life out there.
Worf: Yeah, that was their sales pitch. Join Starfleet, they said. See the galaxy, they said. I'd rather be sailing.
Sisko: Chief O'Brien has a kayaking program.
Sisko: Everyone give a warm welcome to our newest officer!
Worf: (steps into Ops)
O'Brien: Good, I was afraid you'd step onto it. How does it feel to be wearing red?
Worf: New. Different. Unfamiliar.
O'Brien: I wonder what it's like.
Worf: Well, it beats being a security officer in yellow, the colour of cowardice.
Jadzia: Starfleet's uniform designers are kind of strange. Next thing you know we'll all be in monochrome, or one-piece jumpsuits.
Jadzia: We're getting a transmission from Starfleet. Apparently the Klingons are keeping the Cardassian territory they took.
Sisko: What? That's not how you do it. You give back their territory, plus a little of your own for good measure, then stick a demilitarized zone in between.
Kira: Yeah, because that always works so well.
Sisko: Well, if the Klingons are staying here, that's fine -- we're not going anywhere.
Sisko: We didn't get engines, did we?
(Deep Space Nine doesn't blast off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.