The VisitorBy antodav
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:09 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Visitor' Episode Guide
Melanie: Like, hi!
Old Jake Sisko: Oookay... a hot, young, blonde, not-so-bright college girl knocks at my door soaking wet in the middle of the night and wants to get to know me better... damn, that suicide potion works fast...
Melanie: Oh... my God... it's like... you're Jake Sisko! AAGH! You are like sooooo totally awesome! Your book was the coolest --
Old Jake: Really? You read my book?
Melanie: Well, I looked at the pictures, anyway.
(A hundred years earlier)
Sisko: Jake! You nerd... quit writing dirty J/C fanfics and come with me to the Gamma Quadrant.
Jake: Just gimme a minute, dad. (ahem) "Janeway sat on her bed in a silky white nightgown, legs crossed, with two glasses of Romulan Ale in her hands. 'Hello Chakotay...'"
Jadzia: Hey Sisko! The wormhole looks cool! You gotta come see this!
Sisko: Oh, all right. Hey, what the -- (ZAP) GAK!
Jake: Oh no! Dad! What happened?
Jadzia: We used too much technobabble in this scene. It caused an explosion. He's dead, Jake.
Jake: Now that's the sort of thing that can ruin your day... not to mention make me insufferably depressed for the rest of my life.
Kira: Of all the souls I have encountered in my journeys, his was the most... (sobs)... anal.... Woo hoo! I get a promotion!
Kira: Oh... sorry. Sisko was cool. And now he's dead. The end.
Jake: That's more like it.
Nog: So... whatcha gonna do now that your dad's been sucked into the Nexus?
Jake: I dunno. Thought maybe I'd go back to school on Earth and get dumped by hot chicks.
Nog: Cool! We could be roommates!
Jake: On second thought... I think I'll just stay here and keep feeling sorry for myself.
Jake: toss, turn, grumble...
Sisko: Hey Jake! WHAZZZAAAAAP?
Jake: Aw. Well, at least I had the chance for one more meaningful conversation with dear old Dad.
Kira: To arms! To arms! The Klingons are coming! The Klingons are coming!
Jake: Dangit, Worf, why do your targ-hunting buddies have to come take over the station and screw everything up? I was so happy being miserable...
Worf: Shut up and get lost, p'taK.
Jake: Hmph. You can't kick me out -- I'm leaving.
Kira: Did you say something? I was too busy repainting your dad's old office in shades of pink to match my uniform to care.
Jake: Hmph! Just for that, I'm staying right here!
Kira: Still not caring.
Jake: Mope, mope, mope...
Jake: Hey dad! How was your vacation in the Nexus?
Sisko: It sucked. Now get me to sickbay before I start shooting missiles at the sun.
Jadzia: So anyway, Benny boy, it looks like you've been the victim of a technobabble explosion.
Sisko: What? How did that happen?
O'Brien: Well, when you were on the Defiant, techno techno techno, babble babble babble...
O'Brien: Oops... I did it again.
Bashir: Hey, no Britney Spears jokes!
O'Brien: Why not? You like Britney Spears.
Jake: Oh, woe is me! Dax, hold me.
Jadzia: Eww, no.
Jake: Dammit, aren't I gonna get any sugar in this episode?
Dax, Kira, and Karenna and Melanie (from across time): No.
Old Jake: Well, once Worf's buddies turned my room into their own personal bat'leth storage closet, I was kinda screwed, so I went back to Earth. Finally.
Melanie: And that's when you stopped writing?
Old Jake: No, that's when I started writing. Keep up.
Melanie: But I thought you wanted me to get down....
Old Jake: Stop teasing me. This suicide potion has made me cranky enough as it is. Anyway, eventually I actually found a woman and got married.
Melanie: Okay, now I know you're making all this up.
Nog: So anyway, the Klingons want me to go to the Gamma Quadrant to check and see if the Dominion still remembers that we owe them money.
Jake: Huh? What the frell are you talking about? There was no Dominion War in this timeline! Heck, we didn't even start using the First Contact uniforms!
Nog: Hello? Didn't your wife just say I'm gonna make captain soon?
Jake: Oh yeah. We're screwed.
Nog: Yeah, but at least I get to keep my leg this time around. Anyway, cheers for your award thingy. May you never kill yourself and selfishly erase this wonderful timeline.
Jake: Yay! Daddy! Meet my wife Karenna and hear about the other DS9 cast members.
Sisko: Oh. Yes. Please. Tell me more.
Jake: Is that sarcasm, or just Avery Brooks's horrendous acting?
Sisko: A little bit of both, probably.
Jake: Waaaaa! I shouldn't have given up! I should have completely wasted my life looking for you!
Sisko: Oh please. Grow up.
Jake: Hmph. Just for that, I won't.
Jadzia: Hey, look! It's the 25th Century, and since there was no Dominion War, I'm still alive!
Bashir: You're also incredibly, incredibly old.
Jadzia: Shut up, you. You know you still want me.
Bashir: Only because I'm a loser. And because Britney Spears is even older.
Nog: Hey, don't we all look snazzy in these uniforms from "All Good Things...."?
Jadzia: Yeah, it's too bad this episode doesn't have more in common with "All Good Things...."
Bashir: Like the captain getting pulled through time, or a technobabble explosion....
Jake: Guys, we get the point. Could we go find my dad already with this cool telescope-looking thing, please? And no more technobabble to screw it up this time.
Jonathan Archer: Oh boy....
Jadzia: Whoops! Let's try that again.
Bashir: Great, now Jake's gone, you bimbo.
Jadzia: Hmm. His loneliness must have been killing him.
Jake: Dad? What are we doing in the Celestial Temple?
Sisko: The Prophets loaned it to me for the weekend. Anyway, look at you... you're older than I am! And you got way fewer women.
Jake: Quit rubbing it in. I did this for you, you know.
Sisko: How do you figure, since I never asked you to do this?
Jake: I refuse to take that into consideration. And I can live with it. I can live with it.
Sisko: (glowing with pride) Jake, my sweet boy....
Bashir: Hey look, he's back.
Jadzia: And crying like a baby again. What a surprise.
Jake: Heh heh, you know I only wanted to get this hug....
Old Jake: So anyway, that's the story of how I became such a loser. And since you won't sleep with me, I'm going to kill myself now and rewrite history, so please go.
Melanie: Whatever. I changed my mind -- you suck. But have a kiss anyway. (smooch) Ta ta for now!
Old Jake: At last! Now I can die thinking I have dignity.
Sisko: Hey old guy, wake up!
Old Jake: Will you shut up? I'm dyin' here.
Sisko: Say what?
Old Jake: Well you see, if I pop the rubber band, then the anchor will drop on the reset button, and...
Sisko: Enough. Just get me out of the Nexus already.
Old Jake: Okay. But dad --
Old Jake: Don't forget to put away your shoes....
Old Jake: GAK!
Sisko: Duck and cover!
Jake: Whoaaaa! (oof)
Sisko: Whew. I'm glad that sleigh ride is over.
Jake: Does this mean that Dax is gonna die, Nog's gonna lose his leg, the Dominion War's gonna happen, we have to start using the First Contact uniforms, and I'm never gonna get laid?
Sisko: Pretty much.
Jake: I hate technobabble explosions.
(The Defiant zips back to Deep Space Nine at Ludicrous Speed)
antodav is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.