The StorytellerBy Nic Corelli
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 3:57 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Storyteller' Episode Guide
O'Brien: Ready for the away mission, Julian?
Bashir: GASP! The insolence! You will refer to your superior officer as "Sir".
O'Brien: What? I fought in the Cardassian War and served aboard the Enterprise, and suddenly you outrank me? That's ridiculous!
Bashir: Yes, but that's nothing compared to the fact that Troi outranks you. That's just hysterical!
Bashir: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Villager: The old man is dying.
Bashir: That's it?
Villager: Well, yes.
Bashir: You said the entire village was on the verge of extinction! Where's the mutated virus? The black plague? The hideous acne epidemic?
Villager: I'm so sorry we failed your expectations. There is one child with measles, if that helps.
Varis: My country is the size of the Netherlands, and the Navot country is the size of Canada, and they want a part of my territory! Can you imagine?
Navot Diplomat: It is ours! The treaty clearly says the river Moppy is the border.
Varis: It is not! It's the river Meow Meow. And on the east it's the river Moo.
Sisko: Um... do all your rivers start with Ms?
Varis: Yes. North Bajor has too many M & Ms.
Jake: Why are we just sitting here all day? Let's play baseball!
Nog: Stop pestering me with that! Baseball is boring.
Jake: Okay, then... how about water polo?
Nog: AAAAA! Baseball's great! Let's play baseball!
Old Man: Will you protect my village from the Dal'Rok when I die?
O'Brien: Protect? How? Why? And who's this Dal'Rok anyway?
Villager: It is an evil and dangerous creature that regularly attacks our village. We also call it "The Eye".
O'Brien: Why, does it manifest itself as a big, scary, fiery eye?
Villager: No, it's actually a cloud, but we're all LotR fanatics here. Didn't you notice the Hobbit-style houses?
Villagers: The Dal'Rok is back! Help us, old man, tell him a story!
Old Man: (Ahem) Snow White found a worm in her apple and fainted. The Prince kissed her, but she screamed: "Aaaah! You ate garlic!" and then she... GAK!
O'Brien: Oh no! He's the only one who can protect this village and he just GAKed!
Villagers: GAK? What is GAK?
Bashir: You don't want to know.
Sisko: Come on, why doesn't a nice 14-year-old girl like you want to sign a peace treaty?
Varis: The peace treaty can bite me.
Sisko: Why are you so angry at everyone around you?
Varis: Read my T-shirt.
T-Shirt: Mom and Dad went to Mordor and all I got was this lousy ring.
Bashir: I hope you've found a way to protect this village, Chief. The horrific flying monster will be back, you know.
O'Brien: Oh no! What am I going to do? Have you seen the monster? It's very cryptic...
Bashir: And rather obscure...
O'Brien: It almost looks like...
Bashir: A baguette!
Sisko: Please sign the peace treaty! How hard can it be? You know, on my world, peace has reigned for more than 250 years.
Varis: Bwahahaha! Do pigs fly and do grapes grow on willows on your world too?
Sisko: Well, no...
Varis: Then shut up or suffer the cruel torture of my evil wrath!
Sisko: Geez... Are all Bajoran females vicious like this?
Kira: Of course not! She's clearly an exception!
Villager: I know something you don't know...
O'Brien: What, the Dal'Rok actually doesn't exist, it's only the negative energy from the villagers' thoughts and can be repelled if the village is united?
Villager: Um... how did you know?
O'Brien: Oh come on... An evil cloud that attacks a village? So lame! What's next, a dog nebula containing coffee?
Jake: You know, every time I have a dilemma, my father helps me. What would your father say to you about this whole peace treaty thing?
Varis: My father used to start all negotiations with the words: "I will rip your heads off and you will drown in the pool of your own blood!"
Nog: Um... and what would your mother say?
Varis: Between the "Clean your room! Wash the dishes! Take out the trash!" screams, it's actually quite hard to understand her.
Dal'Rok: HEEEERE'S JOHNNY!
Villagers: AAAAAAAH! Tell him a story!
O'Brien: Um... Cinderella was unable to go to the ball, so the little mice and birds made her a nice dress...
O'Brien: C'mon, D-Rock, man! Chill out! Hasn't this planet suffered enough? Go to Romulus or...
Dal'Rok: GET EATEN BY A SWORDFISH!
O'Brien: Um, okay...
Kira: So, did you convince the girl to sign the treaty?
Sisko: Of course I did. Peace always prevails, Major.
Varis: Welcome, everyone! Let me open the negotiations by saying: I will rip your heads off and you will drown...
Kira: I guess I should cancel my vacation in her province, right?
Sisko: Yes, Major.
O'Brien: It's no good! I can't repel the Dal'Rok because the village refuses to unite about anything!
Villager: Village! Repeat after me! O'Brien sucks! He tells stupid stories!
Village: O'Brien sucks! He tells stupid stories!
Villager: Okay! Now let's drive this beast away from our village!
Village: Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more...
Sisko: So, who was this Dal'Rok anyway?
Bashir: It was the dazed and confused monster in a top hat.
(People scream at Ludicrous Speed)
Nic Corelli is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.