The CollaboratorBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:03 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Collaborator' Episode Guide
Bareil: Hey, it's Prylor Bek. What's he doing in that noose?
Kira: Looks like he's just hanging around.
Bareil: I want an orb experience and all I get are bad jokes?
Kira: Just be glad we don't have you measuring the place.
Winn: Now remember, kids, if you watch TV, you'll go straight to hell.
Bareil: Then how will they be able to see your televised broadcasts?
Winn: Well those are okay, but the rest of TV is of the devil.
Eblan: Hey! I know you!
Kubus: You walked with me once upon a dream?
Eblan: No, I balked at you once and made a scene.
Odo: I think I'll arrest Kubus before this becomes a musical.
Opaka: Don't become the Kai. I'd say that more cryptically, but why?
Bareil: Won't the Prophets be better off if I'm Kai?
Winn: Yes, but they're masochists. Speaking of which, here, take this snake.
Bareil: Woohoo! And here I thought our religion didn't approve of snake handling!
Kubus: So what if I was a collaborator? I just wanna go home.
Kira: That right was taken from you in the First Amendment. We call it the Bill of No Rights.
Kubus: Crap. What rights do I have?
Kira: Only the right to get sanctuary granted by a Vedek.
Winn: Why do people think we're enemies?
Sisko: Hm. Let's think. Maybe it's because you said that joining up with the Federation made buildings spontaneously combust.
Winn: I didn't mean it like that. I was talking about what would happen to our spiritual buildings if we joined up with the spiritual Federation.
Sisko: That still doesn't make sense.
Winn: Um, sure it does.
Odo: Kubus got Winn to grant him sanctuary.
Kira: (over the comm) WHAT? How did he get that idea?
Odo: (rolling his eyes) I have no idea.
Kira: Why are you associating with that tax collector?
Winn: It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
Kira: Hey! Leave Bashir out of this!
Winn: All right, here's the deal. Kubus is going to reveal that Bareil is a collaborator.
Kira: And that's supposed to make me side with you?
Winn: Um,... yes.
Kubus: I once saw Bek and Bareil talking to each other.
Kira: That's not evidence. You're just a wee little man making something up so you can have sanctuary, aren't you?
Kubus: Pretty much.
Winn: Well, I believe him. Go investigate, Kira.
Kira: What did you and Bek talk about?
Bareil: He just asked me for a length of rope the day before he hanged himself.
Kira: And did you bring it to him with a loop on one end?
Kira: Well, no noose is good news.
Odo: We need to hack into their systems.
Kira: Excuse me while I obsess about Bareil.
Odo: You could obsess about me.
Kira: What was that?
Odo: I said "We should press the Ferengi...." Into hacking into the system, that is.
Kira: Um, okay.
Odo: This is where Bek hanged himself.
Kira: Why would a Bajoran religious leader hang himself on this station?
Odo: Evil must be opposed.
O'Brien: All the files have been erased.
Kira: Who deleted them?
O'Brien: Unfortunately, the deletion logs have also been erased.
Kira: What about the deletion logs for the deletion logs?
O'Brien: Oh, that was done by Bareil.
Opaka: Help me, Obi-- er, Bareil. You're my only hope.
Kira: So why'd you do it?
Bareil: Because I'm taking the fall for someone else.
Kira: A likely story.
Kira: Okay, now I'm supposed to say, 'I talked to Bareil and...' Then you say --
Winn: And what?
Kira: And you already know what I'm going to tell you.
Kai Winn: Greetings, I am ... KAI WINN. Mwahahahahahaha!
Kai Winn: Read it and weep.
Kira: Ha! I figured it out. It wasn't you. It never was. It was your assistant.
Bareil: No, it was Kai Opaka.
Kira: Crap! That was going to be my second guess.
(Kai Opaka's son rolls over in his grave at Ludicrous Speed.)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.