The AdversaryBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:08 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Adversary' Episode Guide
Jake: Benjamin L. Sisko, it is the judgment of this council that you be reduced in rank to captain.
Sisko: But I'm a commander.
Jake: Oh, then I guess it's a promotion.
Sisko: Woo hoo! Captain at last!
Admiral Krajensky: Guess what? You get to invade Tzenkethi space!
Sisko: Should I confirm your information?
Krajensky: No, no, of course not.
Jadzia: So did you tell Kasidy about your promotion?
Sisko: No, she's delivering some weapons to the Demilitarized Zone.
Jadzia: You're not worried she's aiding the Maquis, are you?
Sisko: No, why would I be?
O'Brien: Who's there?
Voice: Nobody here but us chickens!
O'Brien: Prove it!
Bashir: Hey, Chief.
Eddington: How'd you manage to get promoted?
Sisko: Starfleet said they'd promote me if I grew some facial hair.
Eddington: I'd like to be a captain, but Starfleet doesn't promote traitors -- uh, security officers.
Faked Transmission: This is definitely not a faked transmission. We've been attacked by the Tzenkethi.
Sisko: Send a message to Starfleet -- we have engaged the Tzenkethi.
Odo: I can't. Our communication's down.
Sisko: Well, that was anticlimatic.
Jadzia: Someone's been sabotaging the Defiant!
Sisko: Yes, but who?
O'Brien: Well, I saw Bashir playing chicken in the Jeffrey Tubes earlier.
Sisko: And he didn't invite me to join him? That is suspicious.
Sisko: All right. Everyone who's not a saboteur take a step back.... Not so fast, Julian.
Bashir: Me? I'm not a saboteur!
O'Brien: Then where are your sabots?
Jadzia: Um, why didn't the Admiral take a step back?
Krajensky: That's Admiral Changeling to you.
Sisko: There's a shapeshifter on this ship!
Sisko: Two shapeshifters on this ship!
Sisko: You're not a shapeshifter.
Sisko: Looks like the Changeling is trying to start a war between us and Tzenkethi.
Kira: We've got to stop him! From now on everyone who isn't the Changeling needs to say the secret passcode.
Jadzia: What's the secret passcode?
Kira: "I'm not the Changeling! Honest!"
Sisko: Instead, why don't we just confine everyone to quarters?
Eddington: Shucks. And I had so many dimes too.
Bashir: I drugged Dax so much she's not going to be any use to anyone.
Sisko: Well, you did your best, Doctor.
Bashir: You remember what you said about me not being a Changeling?
Sisko: Yes. What about it?
Bashir: Nothing. Just wondering.
Eddington: You should put yourself in the place of the Changeling. Where would you hide?
Odo: Somewhere near a redshirt...
Redshirt: (over the comm) Hey, look! It's the Changeling! GAK!
Odo: ...and Sisko.
Sisko: (over the comm) Die, Changeling scum! OW!
Eddington: I meant realistically.
Bolian: Kira's the Changeling!
Kira: No, I'm not! Bolian's the Changeling! He doesn't even have a real name!
Bolian: Rabbit season!
Kira: Duck season!
Sisko: If you two don't shut up, I'll bleed on you.
Bashir: Blood tests. Yay!
Bolian: Ha! I may not have a name, but I'm not a Changeling.
Kira: Ha! I'm not a Changeling either.
Eddington: Ha! I'm also not a Changeling!
Bashir: Yes, you are.
Eddington: "I'm not the Changeling! Honest!"
Kira: Ha! Not falling for that one.
Bashir: Help me, I'm trapped in the brig.
Bashir Changeling: See? I was a Changeling!
Sisko: Just how many times have Changelings tried to be like you, Doctor?
Bashir: It is quite an ego boost, but I don't think one could ever replace me on a semi-permanent basis.
Odo 1: Hey, Chief.
O'Brien: Hey, Odo 1. Wait, Odo 1? Crap.
Odo 2: Hey, Chief.
Odo 3: Hey, Chief.
O'Brien: Wait, Odo 3? How many Changelings are on this ship?
Odo 3: Just kidding, I'm Odo 1.
Odo: Before we fight, there is something you should know: I am not left-handed.
Changeling: And there is something you should know: I don't have a left hand.
Odo: Oh yeah? Well, I don't have a left arm!
Changeling: Well, I don't have a left leg either!
Odo: Then it should be really easy to push you onto the warp core.
Captain's Log: If a changeling dies from radiation poisoning, does it make a sound?
Sisko: So it turns out nothing established at the beginning of this episode really happened.
Eddington: Including your promotion?
Sisko: They said they'd honour it if I shaved my head.
Odo: Sorry to interrupt, but the Changeling told me something just before he died.
Sisko: What's that?
Sisko: Oh, that was insightful.
(Sisko shaves his head at Ludicrous Speed.)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.