PenumbraBy Andy Taylor
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:22 PM GMT
See Also: 'Penumbra' Episode Guide
Sisko: I'm building a new house on Bajor!
Kasidy: Didn't you used to hate that place?
Sisko: Well my dear, after nearly seven years of being the Emissary, fighting in wars, having endless exposition to millions of Bajorans, as well as several run-of-the-mill Star Trek anomalies, different species, the Dominion, while also not forgetting those nasty Pah-Wraith visions and occasional time travel specials, settling down on a planet I used to hate is nothing.
Kasidy: Fine, but I want in on your dollhouse!
Ezri: I'm dating my ex-host's ex.
Bashir: I don't think Trills are meant to do that.
Ezri: Awww, nuts.
Kira: Worf's missing.
Ezri: Awww, nuts.
Bashir: Hey! What did I just say?
Ezri: I, er... awww, nuts.
Sisko: (over the comm) We can't find him so we're calling off the search. Don't cry or anything.
Ezri: Oh, well. It's a good thing I've convinced myself I don't like him.
Sisko: Riiiight. You realise you just twitched?
Ezri: Yeah, it's part of my delicate complexion, or something.
Damar: We have to destroy the Defiant!
Weyoun: Nah, we do that later.
Weyoun: Oh, nothing. You better not be disobeying me!
Damar: Nah, I do that later.
Jadzia-memory: I love you Worfie-baby. (eccentric mushy love stuff)
Worf-memory: I love you too, my old-man-old-wifie. (eccentric mushy love stuff)
Jadzia-memory: And how's about you Ezri?
Ezri: Oh, I don't love either of you. Except maybe Worf. Okay, what the hell, I'll find him! Although maybe I should get my multiple personality disorder worked out first.
Ezri: Computer, act like an escape pod and find Worf.
Computer: Shouldn't finding him be harder than that?
Ezri: Oh yeah. Guess I'd better throw in some space sickness too....
Computer: Ha! April Fool! Zooming in on one Kling--
Computer: Oh, I just had those carpets cleaned!
Sisko: I can't sleep; wanna help me build my house?
Kasidy: Wow! Is that a marriage proposal?
Sisko: Why not?
Kasidy: Well, it is a bit cheap. But okay.
Sisko: Crap! I mean yay! Or maybe crap....
Computer: You sound delirious.
Ezri: Just because I'm space sick?
Computer: No -- because you're talking to a computer.
Ezri: Shut u-- oh, look, Worfie!
Worf: Oh great! Because we all know how good my track record is with counsellors. Yeesh.
Worf: So you came alone, Ezri?
Computer: I helped!
Worf: Why endanger yourself for me?
Ezri: Well, I don't know why, but I know why I didn't do it and that's because I fancy you. Yep, don't fancy you. Nope.
Computer and Worf: Yeah, right.
Weyoun: Ha ha, you have acne!
Female Shapeshifter: Remind me -- which one of us has a backup clone ready to be initiated after the previous one is brutally slaughtered?
Weyoun: Fine! I love you, your majesty!
Female Shapeshifter: Much better. Though perhaps without the sarcasm next time.
Ezri: I bet you sang while you were gone.
Worf: Look, can't we all just forget about Insurrection and get along?
Ezri: You wouldn't say that if I were Jadzia!
Worf: Oh, yeah, forget her too please.
Ezri: Damn, we crashed.
Worf: Jadzia wouldn't have done that.
Sisko: Kasidy, this wedding is too easy to plan. I've forgotten something....
Bajoran Girl: Hey, Mrs. Emissary -- can I be one of those 47 annoying-Star-Trek-child-character-bridesmaid-like things at your wedding that will emphasise just how big a role Bajor has in your life now, pretty please?
Sisko: That's it! We forgot the flowers.
Damar: Hey there, old buddy, old pal -- did you miss me?
Dukat: Make me a Bajoran.
Damar: You're crazy.
Dukat: And stand up to Weyoun.
Damar: You're, like, really crazy.
Worf: I don't love you.
Ezri: And I definitely don't love you.
Worf: Fine, now kiss my butt... Hey, not literally!
Ezri: Okay, but let's suggestively wake up together slightly undressed.
Worf: Okay, but let's get captured by an old TNG enemy.
Ezri: Okay, but let's... D'oh!
Dukat: Your surgeon was good -- now I look more like Marc Alaimo than ever.
Damar: But what about that guy you were in "Time's Arrow"?
Dukat: Oh, please, that was set over five hundred years ago. How I could keep in that shape without surgery in-between is beyond me.
Captain's Log: Dax and Worf are lost in the woods, and rather than tie up loose ends in less than two minutes....
Sarah Prophet: Boo!
Sarah Prophet: Now do as your mommy says and don't marry that nasty Kasidy -- she's not in your path and you'll get lost, honey.
Sisko: But mooooooooooom!
Sarah Prophet: Don't forget, be home by five!
Sisko: A cliffhanger? But... but... WAH!
(Anticipation builds at Ludicrous Speed)
Andy Taylor is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.