Empok Nor By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:15 PM GMT

See Also: 'Empok Nor' Episode Guide

Quark: Welcome to Quark's. Can I interest you in some spirits or perhaps an egg--
Quark: -- NOG!
Nog: Sorry. The Chief's working me to the bone, but if we don't fix this conduit it will come to haunt us later on.
Quark: Well, hurry up. All that wailing is spooking away the customers!

O'Brien: The conduit's broken, but we can conveniently go to the eerie Empok Nor and get a new one.
Sisko: Make sure you go at night, during a full moon, and bring along someone known to be homicidal.
O'Brien: Yes sir. We'll be sure to have a howling good time.

Garak: So why am I coming along?
O'Brien: Captain Sisko thought you'd be perfect for this job.
Garak: Because I can disable the booby traps on board the station?
O'Brien: Booby traps? Um, yes. That too.

Boq'ta: Wait, booby traps? Does this mean we'll get stuck in some asteroid field?
Pechetti: Relax, the Chief spent his childhood making model ships.
Stolzoff: I call the holodeck!
Amaro: Nice try. With our luck the Chief will keep us working on the lower decks.

Nog: Check.
Garak: For the last time, we're playing Kotra, which is very different from chess. Checkmate.

O'Brien: We need to search the station for parts, so let's make like a banana and split.
Garak: I don't find bananas very appealing.
O'Brien: Well, if you want we could turn off the gravity so we could make like a root beer and float.

Garak: Oooh, look! Goo!
Boq'ta: Don't touch that! It's probably something scary like ectoplasm or LDS.
Garak: What's so scary about Mormons?
Boq'ta: Oh wait, no, it's just banana goo.
Garak: Ugh. That is scary.

Pechetti: Bad news, there are assassins on board....
Nog: ...And the shuttle blew up....
Garak: ...And we're out of coffee.
Boq'Ta: No coffee? We'll never survive!
Garak: Calm down. Just remember, today is the last day of the rest of your life.

Nog: La la la la la, walking, walking...
Killer: La la la la la, stalking, stalking...
Nog: Is that an echo?
Killer: What, that? Uh, heck no.

Garak: La la la la la, standing, standing...
Killer: La la la la la, stalking, stalking...
Garak: Definitely not an echo.

Garak: Got one of the villains! And I did it in the goriest way possible too.
O'Brien: Garak, I think you're seeing red.
Garak: I'm just restless. Anyway, one down, two to go.
O'Brien: Wait, two?

Boq'ta: Hand me a pitchfork.
Amaro: Here's a tuning fork.
Boq'ta: Great! I can use that to help me find the perfect pitchfo -- GAK!
Other Killer: People who make music jokes deserve to be singing with the ang -- GAK!
Garak: I quite agree.
Amaro: Thanks, Garak. Glad to see your plan to kill the killers continues to resona-- GAK!

Amaro: Oh sir, it was Garak!
Nog: Just what we need, the wrath of Garak.
O'Brien: Guess we'll have to kill him.
Nog: Would that be right?
O'Brien: No, Garak headed off to the left.

Garak: (over the comm) Guess what? I found a kotra board. It's missing the Queen, but I'll use this piece of old bread to represent her.
O'Brien: The poor king, he got a stale mate.
Garak: Just for that, I'll capture Nog.

Garak: (over the comm) Why don't you come to the bar? It's where I've set up my kingdom.
O'Brien: As long as you're okay with my beating you up and taking over your realm.
Garak: Oh don't worry. I doubt you'll be reigning on my promenade.

O'Brien: You've suspended the dead crew from the ceiling?
Garak: I told you this was a popular hangout.
O'Brien: Hang in there, guys. I'll cut you down after I take a swing at Garak.

Garak: Throw down your arms.
O'Brien: I can't! They're part of my body!
Garak: Then I guess we'll have to kill each other like civilized men.
O'Brien: Not really, I have a booby trap of my own.
Trap: BOOBY! I mean, BOOM!

Bashir: Well, Garak's all peachy keen now. Apparently fruits make Garak crazy.
O'Brien: Well, he certainly drove me bananas.
Bashir: Why don't you go speak to him? He's as nutty as a fruitcake being in there by himself.
O'Brien: Yes, the two of us certainly are a pear.
(Bashir and O'Brien continue to make fruit jokes at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.