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The Trek Nation - Empok Nor

Empok Nor

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:15 PM GMT

See Also: 'Empok Nor' Episode Guide

Quark: Welcome to Quark's. Can I interest you in some spirits or perhaps an egg--
(Screeeeeeeeeeeech!)
Quark: -- NOG!
Nog: Sorry. The Chief's working me to the bone, but if we don't fix this conduit it will come to haunt us later on.
Quark: Well, hurry up. All that wailing is spooking away the customers!

O'Brien: The conduit's broken, but we can conveniently go to the eerie Empok Nor and get a new one.
Sisko: Make sure you go at night, during a full moon, and bring along someone known to be homicidal.
O'Brien: Yes sir. We'll be sure to have a howling good time.

Garak: So why am I coming along?
O'Brien: Captain Sisko thought you'd be perfect for this job.
Garak: Because I can disable the booby traps on board the station?
O'Brien: Booby traps? Um, yes. That too.

Boq'ta: Wait, booby traps? Does this mean we'll get stuck in some asteroid field?
Pechetti: Relax, the Chief spent his childhood making model ships.
Stolzoff: I call the holodeck!
Amaro: Nice try. With our luck the Chief will keep us working on the lower decks.

Nog: Check.
Garak: For the last time, we're playing Kotra, which is very different from chess. Checkmate.

O'Brien: We need to search the station for parts, so let's make like a banana and split.
Garak: I don't find bananas very appealing.
O'Brien: Well, if you want we could turn off the gravity so we could make like a root beer and float.

Garak: Oooh, look! Goo!
Boq'ta: Don't touch that! It's probably something scary like ectoplasm or LDS.
Garak: What's so scary about Mormons?
Boq'ta: Oh wait, no, it's just banana goo.
Garak: Ugh. That is scary.

Pechetti: Bad news, there are assassins on board....
Nog: ...And the shuttle blew up....
Garak: ...And we're out of coffee.
Boq'Ta: No coffee? We'll never survive!
Garak: Calm down. Just remember, today is the last day of the rest of your life.

Nog: La la la la la, walking, walking...
Killer: La la la la la, stalking, stalking...
Nog: Is that an echo?
Killer: What, that? Uh, heck no.

Garak: La la la la la, standing, standing...
Killer: La la la la la, stalking, stalking...
Garak: Definitely not an echo.

Garak: Got one of the villains! And I did it in the goriest way possible too.
O'Brien: Garak, I think you're seeing red.
Garak: I'm just restless. Anyway, one down, two to go.
O'Brien: Wait, two?

Boq'ta: Hand me a pitchfork.
Amaro: Here's a tuning fork.
Boq'ta: Great! I can use that to help me find the perfect pitchfo -- GAK!
Other Killer: People who make music jokes deserve to be singing with the ang -- GAK!
Garak: I quite agree.
Amaro: Thanks, Garak. Glad to see your plan to kill the killers continues to resona-- GAK!

Amaro: Oh sir, it was Garak!
Nog: Just what we need, the wrath of Garak.
O'Brien: Guess we'll have to kill him.
Nog: Would that be right?
O'Brien: No, Garak headed off to the left.

Garak: (over the comm) Guess what? I found a kotra board. It's missing the Queen, but I'll use this piece of old bread to represent her.
O'Brien: The poor king, he got a stale mate.
Garak: Just for that, I'll capture Nog.

Garak: (over the comm) Why don't you come to the bar? It's where I've set up my kingdom.
O'Brien: As long as you're okay with my beating you up and taking over your realm.
Garak: Oh don't worry. I doubt you'll be reigning on my promenade.

O'Brien: You've suspended the dead crew from the ceiling?
Garak: I told you this was a popular hangout.
O'Brien: Hang in there, guys. I'll cut you down after I take a swing at Garak.

Garak: Throw down your arms.
O'Brien: I can't! They're part of my body!
Garak: Then I guess we'll have to kill each other like civilized men.
O'Brien: Not really, I have a booby trap of my own.
Trap: BOOBY! I mean, BOOM!

Bashir: Well, Garak's all peachy keen now. Apparently fruits make Garak crazy.
O'Brien: Well, he certainly drove me bananas.
Bashir: Why don't you go speak to him? He's as nutty as a fruitcake being in there by himself.
O'Brien: Yes, the two of us certainly are a pear.
(Bashir and O'Brien continue to make fruit jokes at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.