EmissaryBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 3:54 PM GMT
See Also: 'Emissary' Episode Guide
Locutus: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Sisko: Hey! Stop killing my wife!
Locutus: Why don't you make me, little man?
Sisko: I'll have you know, this is serious grudge material.
Sisko: It's time to go to Deep Space Nine. Hen--
Jake: I know, I know. "Hence the title." But I bet you I'll hate it there.
Sisko: Oh, don't worry. We're not staying long...just your entire young adult life.
O'Brien: Hi, I'm your inexplicably underpromoted chief engineer.
Sisko: You look familiar. Didn't I see you in....
O'Brien: Next Generation? Yes, I was a semiregular.
Sisko: No no, it was Die Hard 2! You got killed, right?
O'Brien: You had to bring that up.
Kira: Hi. I hate you and everything you stand for.
Nog: Stealing, stealing, la la la la la...oh no, it's Odo!
Odo: I laugh at your attempts to attack a mighty shapeshifter such as I.
Sisko: Oo, it's the Elongated Man!
Odo: You must be the new station commander. Get rid of that thing in your pants -- I don't allow them here.
Odo: The phaser. Just messing with your mind there.
Sisko: I request a re-assignment. And I wish I were asking someone else, since I still hate you for the wife-killing thing.
Picard: We are Picard. Grudges are futile.
Sisko: You're not helping.
Quark: You want me to be this show's comic relief? Give me one good reason.
Sisko: I can give you several million reasons. Each one is a dollar bill.
Kira: Exposition time: Bajor is in political turmoil, with the only hope for unity being Kai Opaka.
Sisko: That sounds like "opaque." Should I be worried?
Kira: No, the opaque one is Kai Winn. She's later.
Kira: No, Winn. But she's not involved yet, so it's a no-Winn situation.
Sisko: Hold still for a moment so I can hit you.
Kai Opaka: Greetings. Behold my orb.
Sisko: But that's a big figure 8. Orbs are balls.
Kai Opaka: Stop nitpicking and have a vision.
Sisko: Wow...you look great for my dead wife.
Jennifer: Is that your idea of a pickup line?
Sisko: Actually, yes.
Kai Opaka: Did you have fun?
Sisko: Fun? I just had to relive my greatest pain! Of course it was fun.
Kai Opaka: Good boy. Find the Celestial Temple and I'll give you a Scooby Snack.
O'Brien: I just wanted to say how much I'll miss you all....
Picard: Yeah, bye. Get a move on. I hear your replacement's a babe.
Quark: Step right up, step right up! Quark's Place is now open for business!
Rom: You should have called it Quark and Rom's Place.
Quark: Read the credits, bro. At this point you're still just "Ferengi Pit Boss."
Ferengi Pit Boss: Aw.
Bashir: Hi, I'm Dr. Bashir and this is Hot Babe. I mean Lt. Babe. I mean Lt. Dax. (Whew, saved a little dignity there.)
Sisko: No you didn't. Greetings, my sluggish friend!
Jadzia: Hey Ben. Still drowning in your own grief?
Sisko: You betcha!
Bashir: Watch me prove my naiveté by accidentally insulting your entire species.
Kira: Hey, this is weird...I'm feeling some sort of attraction to you, even though you're scum.
Bashir: Yeah, me too. Uh oh. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Kira: A classic case of confusing ourselves with the actors playing us?
Bashir: Yep. Kiss me.
Odo: I hate your guts.
Bashir: I want to study yours.
Odo: In case I eventually come down with a disease or something? Get real.
Jadzia: And now for my orb experience.
Curzon Dax: GAK!
Jadzia: That was quick.
Nog: Hi, I'm Nog. Like the drink.
Jake: You have "bad influence" written all over you. Let's be friends!
Kira: Recurring villain here to see you, sir.
Sisko: Send him in.
Dukat: Greetings. I am...GUL DUKAT. Mwahahahahahaha!
Sisko: Yeah, hi. You here for a reason, or just to establish yourself?
Dukat: Second one.
Jadzia: I've easily located the Celestial Temple.
Sisko: If it's that easy, why didn't the Cardassians do it?
Jadzia: They probably wanted us to go first and test for sharks.
Sisko: Let's roll.
Quark: Closing time. Put your winnings in this bag, which is not a shapeshifter trying to sneak aboard your ship and disable it.
Cardassian: Prove that.
Bag: It's true. No shapeshifters here.
Cardassian: Good enough.
Kira: Sweet! Odo succeeded. Beam him back, Chief.
O'Brien: I finally get out of that transporter chief job, and what's the first thing I'm asked to do? Geez.
Sisko: Ay caramba -- a wormhole!
Jadzia: Stable, too. It took us to the Gamma Quadrant.
Sisko: Oh, so we're stranded? Time for a speech. (ahem) We're alone. In an uncharted part of the galaxy--
Jadzia: Um, Ben? We can just take the wormhole back.
Sisko: Don't interrupt.
Jake: I wanna get off this station.
Nog: Can't help you there. But I can get us both in big trouble by shoplifting.
Jake: Okay, do that.
Sisko: A planet inside the wormhole? That's crazy.
Jadzia: Well, let's go have a--
Jadzia: --look. Hey! What am I doing back on DS9?
Kira: You're the science officer; you tell us.
Jadzia: Actually, I know very little about science. I'm only here so this show will have a bizarre alien, and later a love interest for Worf.
Kira: What a gyp.
Prophets: Hiya. We're wormhole aliens.
Sisko: What did you do with Dax?
Prophets: She was underweight; we had to throw her back. Now we're going to freak you out by taking the forms of various DS9 characters.
Sisko: Hey...was that a crack at my weight a second ago?
Kira: We've got to claim that wormhole. Set a course and engage at Warp 5.
O'Brien: Um...sir? We don't have a warp drive.
Kira: Then take us there on impulse.
O'Brien: You're not getting this. We don't have a ship, we have a station. As in "stationary."
Kira: Look, just this once, okay? To relieve my starship envy?
O'Brien: Oh, all right, but you owe me.
Prophets: Explain about this "time" stuff.
Sisko: They say time is the fire in which we burn. Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives, but I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey....
Prophets: We don't want sophistry, you kneebiter, we want definitions.
Station Computer: NO! I don't WANNA go to the wormhole! WAAAA!
O'Brien: All I needed...a computer with issues.
Dukat: You've found a wormhole. I outgun you a zillion times over, so I'll just claim it for myself.
Kira: Why not head inside while you're at it?
Dukat: Good idea. WHOOOOAA! We're trapped!
Prophets: Hmm. Cardassians have arrived.
Sisko: Ignore 'em. We're not done resolving my personal grief.
Jake: Why did you get me in trouble back there?
Nog: Same reason I'm going to get you in more trouble now.
Gul Jasad: You killed Dukat's ship!
Kira: Oh, come on. Do you really think we'd get rid of the show's recurring villain this early?
Jasad: Yes. But then, I'm stupid.
Cardassian: That station is armed to the teeth!
Jasad: Gotta be an illusion. I bet they do it with mirrors.
Cardassian: So what do we do? Call for reinforcements, or attack?
Jasad: Hmm...let's do both!
Cardassian: You are stupid.
Prophets: Can you please come to your big personal revelation now? We're on a deadline.
Sisko: Deadline? I thought you didn't understand the concept of linear time.
Prophets: ARRRGH! All right, here's your revelation: "Your wife's dead, so get over it." There! Get out of here, you bum!
Jake: OW! Oh crap, the station's under fire!
Nog: Quick, let's save my dad's life.
Ferengi Pit Boss: Can you possibly establish my name while you're at it?
Kira: The Cardassians have stopped firing! Woohoo!
Sisko: (over the comm) Hi folks. I've just had a personal revelation, and I feel like a new man! I may even change my hair....
Jake: You know, I don't want to leave the station anymore. There are just so many bad influences here to explore.
Sisko: I'm proud of you.
Sisko: Well, it's been fun. See you guys later.
Dukat: I will kill you and crush your bones to the consistency of flour.
Sisko: I like you too.
Sisko: Goodbye, sir. My grudge is gone and I respect you now.
Picard: Respect is irrelevant. Your archaic cultures are authority-driven. You will become one with the Borg.
Kai Opaka: Good job. Your series is just beginning.
Sisko: But what about my Scooby Snack?
Kai Opaka: Oh yeah. Um...er...LOOK OVER THERE!
(Opaka takes off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.