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The Trek Nation - Cardassians

Cardassians

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 3:59 PM GMT

See Also: 'Cardassians' Episode Guide

Bashir: You're a spy.
Garak: No, I'm not. And if I'm lying, may lightning strike -- that person over there.
Lightning: ZAP!
Person: AAAAAH!
Garak: Stupid EPS conduit.

Dukat: (over the comm) Commander, I understand Garak was just attacked.
Sisko: I haven't heard anything about this.
Dukat: Oh, my bad. Dukat out.

Rugal: Stay away from me, you Cardassian scum.
Garak: Bite me.
Rugal: 'Kay. (bites)
Garak: AAAAH!

Dukat: (over the comm) Commander, I understand Garak was just attacked.
Sisko: So he was, though I'm not as surprised as I would've been if you hadn't just called.
Dukat: Nevertheless, please look into this for me so I can avenge myself on my political opponents.
Sisko: Sure thing.

Proka: Look, Rugal just takes things literally. When Garak asked him to bite him, what was Rugal to think?
Sisko: It's a good thing Garak didn't ask him to go jump in the reactor then.
Bashir: Someone said you've mistreated the boy.
Proka: Nonsense. We've always fed him Turkish Delight and even gave him a talking horse!
Sisko: Still, we have to give him to the O'Briens so the Chief can work out his feelings about Cardassians.

Bashir: Look at the bright side, if Rugal hadn't bitten your hand, then Dukat wouldn't be able to advance his political agenda.
Garak: WHAT?
Bashir: Wait. Did I just miss something?
Garak: Doctor, Dukat's attempting to advance his own political agenda!
Bashir: Gasp, you're right! How could I have missed it?

Dukat: (over the comm) Now all I need is to connect the boy to my political opponent and I'll be doing well.
Sisko: Let me send you some of his DNA then.
Dukat: Excellent.
Bashir: Why didn't you just take the orphans when you left?
Dukat: Because if I did, then I couldn't sabotage someone else's career.
Bashir: A likely story.

Sisko: So you just cut into my phone conversation to try to unravel a mystery that's pretty much already been given away in this fiver.
Bashir: Sorry.
Sisko: Don't apologize. I'll just take the extra time we spent out of your pay.
Bashir: But we don't use money in the 24th century.
Sisko: Lucky for you.

O'Brien: I'm still wounded by my experiences at the Setlik III massacre.
Rugal: I hate all Cardassians for the Occupation.
Keiko: Why don't you two resolve your differences over a bottle of kanar?
O'Brien and Rugal: Ick.
Keiko: See? You already have something in common!

O'Brien: It's not you I hate, Cardassian --
Rugal: You should.
O'Brien: Well, blow me down! I never thought I'd hear a Cardassian say that.
Rugal: Puff! Puff! Puff!
O'Brien: Stop blowing on me!

Bashir: I want a shuttle.
Sisko: And I want to shave my head, but do you see me doing that?
Dukat: (over the comm) Guess what? That boy is the son of a political rival!
Sisko: Sigh. Bring me a razor and I'll let you have a shuttle.

Bashir: Tell me what's really going on.
Garak: Dukat's attempting to advance his own political agenda!
Bashir: Gasp, you're right! How could I have missed it?

Pa'Dar: Let me see my son.
O'Brien: Your son hates you.
Pa'Dar: I'd like to hear that straight from the horse's mouth, if you don't mind.
Rugal's Horse: I hate you.
Pa'Dar: Crap.

Bashir: Dukat is attempting to advance his own political agenda!
Pa'Dar: Gasp, you're right! How could I have missed it?
Dukat: Instead of confessing, I think I'll leave.

Station Log: Screw Picard and "Suddenly Human". I'm giving the boy back to the Cardassians.

Bashir: So how are you and Dukat really related?
Garak: He's actually my mother. And if I'm lying, may lightning strike that person over there!
Lightning: ZAP!
Garak: I thought they'd fixed that.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.