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The Trek Nation - Zero Hour

Zero Hour

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at June 10, 2005 - 3:16 PM GMT

See Also: 'Zero Hour' Episode Guide

Dolim: The human world is within our grasp! Let us toast to its destruction!
Mouse: Wait! You don't want me for your toast, Mr. Reptile Xindi. I'm all skin and bones. My brother is coming soon, and he's -- AAA!
Dolim: (gulp) I happen to be rather fond of bones.

Unnamed Human Xindi: We've got Degra's plans of the weapon, but they're encoded.
Archer: No problem -- Hoshi can break codes in her sleep. Which is good because she'll basically have to.
Reed: She's just been tortured! We can't treat her like this!
Archer: Well, unless you can break the encryption --
Reed: What did you think I brought my Hammer of Crushing for?

Evil Transdimensional Being 1: So the humans think they can destroy our spheres? HA! HA HA HA!
Evil Transdimensional Being 2: Can they?
Evil Transdimensional Being 1: Beats me. I just think it's funny.

Tucker: Aha! I think I've found a way to destroy Sphere 41 without getting ourselves killed!
T'Pol: Does it still get you killed? (Please, please...)
Tucker: Not even! Look what I found on this last blueprint.
T'Pol: ....An exhaust port?
Tucker: If we fire at it just right, the whole thing'll blow!
T'Pol: I suppose the convenience of that outweighs the absurdity. We won't tell the Vulcan Science Directorate.

Mayweather: Whoa! The anomaly around that sphere just got bigger!
T'Pol: Are you sure you didn't just bring your head closer to the console?
Mayweather: I maintain a fixed head-distance at all times, like I learned in flight school.
T'Pol: Very well. Send copies of the sensor data to me, Mr. Tucker, and Phlox.
Mayweather: Phlox?
T'Pol: He says he's bored.

Phlox: It's a very good thing you sent me this data. I've been watching my Alf tapes since breakfast. Oh, and the anomaly will kill us all.
T'Pol: Can you do anything about it?
Phlox: I can give us 12 minutes -- no more.
Tucker: Hoo boy. How are we gonna compress this plan to one-fifth of its normal length?

Archer: Hi, Hoshi. How are you feeling?
Sato: ".may eht raeW" teg uoy ",rehtaewyaM" fo srettel eht egnarraer uoy fI
Archer: Uh... huh. Look, I'm really sorry you were tortured, but you've got to decode these blueprints, so recover faster.
Sato: Daisy, Daisy... gib mir deine Antwort wahr....
Archer: No! Nicht wahr! Focus, woman!

Reptile Xindi: It's a pity we can't just pop up on their doorstep.
Dolim: Nonsense! An ominous procession through their solar system will terrify those human swine. What could go wrong?
Reptile Xindi: May I ask what purpose it serves to terrify people we're about to kill anyway?
Dolim: Go ahead. Ask. See what I do.

T'Pol's Log: Commander Tucker and I have successfully condensed the plan to one which he calls 12MOBB, for "Twelve-Minute Operation Ballbreaker." Commander Tucker is the bane of my existence.

Mayweather: She's getting worse, you know. Talked to her yet?
Tucker: I figger she's under enough stress right now. Now listen, I'm gonna need the warp power for this plan, so you'll have to make the approach to the sphere on thrusters.
Mayweather: You might as well tell Chef to make a five-course meal with an Easy Bake Oven!
Tucker: You think he couldn't? That man has talent.

Archer: Hoshi's making progress, but she won't be done in time. We'll have to take her with us.
Reed: You're mad! MAD!
Archer: I'll need you to keep a very close eye on her.
Reed: Oh, well that's all right then. She's spicy. SPICY!

(ZAP)
Daniels: How've you been, Captain?
Archer: Refreshingly Daniels-free. Thanks for messing up my streak.
Daniels: Remember what I said about living and damning you? Here's why. See that ceremony down there?
Archer: Let me guess: it's me doing something important, right? Like saving the homeless from the baby seals?
Daniels: Founding the Federation! You're about to give your historic speech!
Archer: Look, you're not changing my mind. I'm saving Earth whether I get killed first or not. Trip will have to give the speech for me.
Daniels: ....Uh, yeah, about that... BYE!

(WHUMP)
Reed: Daniels, huh?
Archer: Geez. I didn't even get to hear the speech.

Phlox: ....And, finally, I entrust my bat-Metroids to the bounty hunter Samus Aran, who I trust will have no end of fun with them. The End of Me. Computer, save recording.
T'Pol: Writing your will, Doctor?
Phlox: If I won't be around to terrorize Dr. Lucas, I can at least stick him with executor's duties.
T'Pol: We may survive. What happened to your optimism?
Phlox: I'm a realistic optimist. I hope we make it, but if my life is going to be in the hands of Tucker and Mayweather, I'm writing a will.

Archer: Less insane yet, Ensign?
Sato: Yeah. I feel lousy, though. This torture is just the capper to a miserable year. Getting telepathically stalked, losing that Trellium-D canister, the whole mess with Travis....
Archer: Know what I did right before I left the ship?
Sato: What?
Archer: I demoted Mary back down to Crewman.
Sato: (GASP) Life is worth living again!
Data Encryption: GAK!

Mayweather: Buckle up -- we're entering the anomaly field.
Tucker: Ow, my face hurts!
T'Pol: It's 'cause you're ugly.
Phlox: (You didn't tell them? Don't you think it'll look suspicious when all their faces start hurting?)
T'Pol: (Why? They're all ugly.)

Archer: That's funny -- there's only one ship with the weapon. What happened to the Insectoids?
Reed: Space Raid?
Unnamed Human Xindi: Do you see yet why I think you should leave him on the ship, Captain?

(DE-VORTEX)
Dolim: Ha! How pitiful this Earth is!
Reptile Xindi: Actually, that's not Earth. It's the outermost planet.
Dolim: Then Earth must be -- NO! The size of it! We are helpless before its power!
Reptile Xindi: No, that's... oh, just stop guessing.

Unfortunate Officer: What the...? Intruder alert! In-- GAK!
Evil Transdimensional Being 1: So far, so good. Now to walk through the ship smashing stuff!
Evil Transdimensional Being 2: Ow! I just bit my tongue!
Evil Transdimensional Being 3: Yeah, gotta watch for that -- it's there now. Corporeality bites.

Reptile Xindi: There are no other ships here, but there's a small station.
Dolim: Ha! We shall eat it, to whet our appetites for Earth itself!
Reptile Xindi: Not that small. -- But I wouldn't presume to tell you not to, of course.
Dolim: Are you saying I have a big mouth?

Archer: No! That's just the Yosemite III! It wouldn't hurt a bunny!
(BOOOM)
Archer: Reed, take a note: the crew of that station died with honour and should be remembered as true heroes of Earth.
Reed: Aye, sir. "Sucks... to be... that station."

Phlox: Oh no! There are Sphere-Builders on the ship! The new anomalies must have made this area habitable for them!
Tucker: Well, that explains why the beam's been losing power. And why we've been hearing all those death screams from extras.
Phlox: There's just one chance! Phlox to all hands: rotate your weapons!
T'Pol: You think rotating modulations will be effective, as it was against those nameless, nameless cyborgs last year?
Phlox: Who said anything about modulations? Try getting whacked in the head with a spinning weapon and see how you like it.

Unnamed Human Xindi: Uh oh. Dolim's seen --
(CRASH)
Archer: Us, right?
Unnamed Human Xindi: No, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! Of COURSE us!
Archer: No need to get snippy. Hey, wait! There's another starship coming in!
Unnamed Human Xindi: Let me guess -- your weak-kneed dinghy of suckitude?
Shran: (over the comm) Try my huge engine of antenna-kicking.

Reptile Xindi: It's that Andorian ship from before!
Dolim: So the man from A.N.K.L.E. is back, is he? Follow him! We'll find his Achilles' heel!
Reptile Xindi: Whatever.

Shran: You have your chance now, Archer. Go save your planet!
Archer: I won't forget this. If you ever need a hand with anything....
Shran: Like what?
Archer: Well, I'm pretty good at being pissed off.

Reptile Xindi 2: Ho-hum. Just another boring day aboard the weapon.
Archer: Hi, we're here to staple your scales to the hull.
Reptile Xindi 2: At last! A change of pace!

Crew's Phase Pistols: WONK WONK WONK
Evil Transdimensional Being 1: Ow! Cheap! We did this so we could touch objects, not so we could be touched by objects!
Evil Transdimensional Being 2: This strikes me as a good time to retreat.
Evil Transdimensional Being 1: That's my point! It's lame the way things are striking us!
Evil Transdimensional Being 3: If we survive, I for one am going on strike.

Sato: Okay, next turn over the tube third from the right. Careful! If you look at it funny, it'll go off!
Archer: Are you sure this is the easiest way to defuse the weapon?
Sato: You wanted the easiest?

Dolim: Heyyyyy... Lizard-Sense tingling! The Andorian is a distraction!
Reptile Xindi: But what could he be trying to distract us from?
Dolim: Hmm....
(10 minutes later)
Dolim and Reptile Xindi: The weapon!

MACO: (WHACK BASH)
Reptile Xindi Guard: (POW THUD)
MACO: Arrrgh! Lieutenant... tell my family I... GAK!
Reed: Okay, but I think it'll just confuse them.

Phlox: Lethal exposure in 2... 3... 4...
T'Pol: Why are you counting up?
Phlox: Because we're past lethal exposure! Those are negative numbers! Way to go, T--
Tucker: Keep yer socks on! (BEEP)
Sphere 41: BOOOOM
All Other Spheres Everywhere: BOOOOM
Mayweather: Man, that was cool!
Tucker: Okay, Phlox, I've done my part. Now how 'bout you explain why we're all standin' here after lethal exposure?
Phlox: What am I, a doctor?

Archer: Time to go, Malcolm! Give me the charges and get Hoshi out of here!
Reed: Good God -- you're not serious? You're going to blow up the weapon? YOU? After all the blood and pain I've put in this year, I don't even get to cause one of the two huge, climactic explosions? Is that how it is? Is it? IS IT? IS -- (WHOP)
Archer: Okay, Hoshi, I guess you'll have to get Hoshi out of here.
Sato: Maybe I should bring Malcolm too.
Archer: Don't feel pressured.

Dolim: YOU! Prepare to die, human!
Archer: I think not. See, I have right here in my pocket your one weakness! Behold -- a Persian mouse!
Dolim: (CHOMP)
Archer: Hmm. I seem to be the victim of faulty intelligence.
Persian Mouse: (from inside Dolim's stomach) Oh, sure. You're the victim.

Unnamed Human Xindi: I can't get a lock on Archer -- he's too deep inside the weapon!
Sato: Take us in!
Unnamed Human Xindi: Huh?
Sato: You know. Fly us into the sphere. Through the tunnels that lead to its core.
Unnamed Human Xindi: Ensign, my people do like Star Wars, but we only take it so far.
Sato: Nuts.

Dolim: (WHAM)
Archer: (BASH)
Dolim: (CRUSH)
Archer: (SMITE)
Dolim: (GRIND)
Archer: (attaches a bomb to Dolim's back)
Dolim: Ha! That one took forever! Are you trying to fail, human? Wait, where are you going?

Dolim: BOOM
Weapon's Core: BOOOOM
Weapon: BOOOOOOM

T'Pol's Log, Temperamental: The Expanse is gone. It is an ex-panse. Unfortunately, we do not yet know whether Earth has ceased to be.

Tucker: Know what else I'll miss if Earth is gone? Norway. The landscape is so --
T'Pol: Stop pining for the fjords.
Tucker: Okay, I've been holdin' my tongue about this, but I gotta ask. What is with you lately? First you sleep with me, then you kick me in the crotch, and it's been nothin' but insults ever since. Travis even says you got Hoshi to dump him as some kinda revenge on me!
T'Pol: That's absurd! True, but absurd.
Tucker: See, that's my point! Where's the logic in this stuff? You've been more emotional this year than a stack of Betazoids!
T'Pol: And I don't want to be! Don't you see? This is all your fault!
Tucker: Huh?
T'Pol: You're like an anti-Vulcan! For three years I've had to live with you blasting emotions at me like some kind of sentimentality quasar! When I was exposed to Trellium-D, I lost the power to resist it, and then Sim said he loved me, and ... and... ARRGH! You have destroyed me! (grabs Trip) I MUST HAVE YOU!
Tucker: Uh....
Mayweather: (over the comm) Bridge to T'Pol! Degra's ship just showed up!
T'Pol: On my way! (shoves Trip down and runs out)
Tucker: Uh....

Reed: We saved Earth... but at a terrible cost. The captain....
T'Pol and Tucker: (GASP) He's dead?
Reed: No, he wouldn't let me blow up the bloody weapon myself!
T'Pol and Tucker: Whew.
Reed: Oh, AND he's dead.

Unnamed Human Xindi: We Xindi owe this crew a debt that can never be repaid. Ask anything of us, and it's yours.
T'Pol: Just go away.
Unnamed Human Xindi: As you wish. (to an aide) Go give the Council new orders. We're staying completely out of the humans' hair for a few hundred years.

Porthos: (sniff)
T'Pol: Poor dog. -- Dammit, that was sympathy, wasn't it?
Phlox: You have to start accepting your new emotions, T'Pol. Another year of tormenting Mr. Tucker would be in no one's best interests.
T'Pol: You're holding a device labelled "Long-Distance Tucker Brain-Blaster."
Phlox: No one's but mine, I mean.

Mayweather: Ladies and gentlemen, we have entered Earth orbit.
Everyone: (sigh of relief)
Sato: That's funny. Nobody's contacting us. Not Starfleet, not the lunar colony, not Reed's dad....
T'Pol: Reed's dad?
Reed: He tends to start insulting me as soon as I enter the solar system.
T'Pol: Then this is quite unsettling. Tucker, Mayweather, take a shuttlepod down and see if he needs help thinking of insults.

Mayweather: Ah, here we go. Some planes are coming to greet us.
(RATTATATATATAT)
Tucker: With bullets?
Mayweather: Who are we to judge the customs of other species?
Tucker: (sigh) Let's just land and hope nothing even crazier happens, okay?

Archer: Where... where am...
Alien Nazi: (steps into the light)
Archer: --!
Nurse: Aren't you going to say "Oh boy"?
Archer: Please. That hasn't been funny for about two seasons.

TO BE CONTINUED....

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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly five years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Next stop: Season 4!