Two Days And Two Nights

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 30, 2002 - 12:16 AM GMT

See Also: 'Two Days And Two Nights' Episode Guide

Tucker: Are we there yet?
T単ol: No.
Tucker: Are we there yet?
T単ol: No.
Tucker: Are we there yet?
T単ol: Yes! We just now entered orbit of Risa. During the trip, you asked me that question a total of 441 times. Now you can LEAVE ME ALONE!
Tucker: ....So are we there, or what?

Archer: Well, T単ol, I知 off. Can I trust you with the ship?
T単ol: No.
Archer: Who cares? It痴 vacation time! Come on, Porthos, let痴 go!
Porthos: Ruff?
Archer: Of course it値l be here when we get back. We can trust T単ol.

Reed: Got any plans, Hoshi?
Sato: None, besides not under any circumstances doing the nasty.
Reed: Well, Trip and I will be making complete studs of ourselves. We plan to hook up with the first suspicious babes we can find.
Tucker: Doesn稚 that sound cool? 鉄uspicious babes.
Sato: Well, I envy you two. And by envy I mean pity.

Phlox: There痴 something I should tell you, Subcommander. Remember the hibernation cycle I mentioned?
T単ol: Vaguely. I thought you were just trying to sound interesting.
Phlox: Well, I should inform you that ZZZZZZZZZ
T単ol: That what?
Cutler: He痴 asleep, sir.
T単ol: Well, great. Now I値l never know what he was going to tell me.

Tucker: Check out my suit!
Reed: You look bloody ridiculous. I want one.

Porthos: RUFF! Grrrrrr....
Archer: Porthos? What are you -- oh my God, the Aibo痴 back!
Keyla: Oh, sorry about that. He must have snuck up here somehow. I知 Keyla and this is my dog, Obia.
Archer: So he痴 using a pseudonym now, is he? Lady, you don稚 know what you池e dealing with. That Aibo is bad, bad news. He nearly destroyed my ship!
Keyla: You have your own ship? Now there痴 a turn-on.
Archer: You池e missing the -- oh, but why mess with it? I haven稚 had a date since 2140....

Risian Woman: Uyo resu eaksp rou nguagela llwe rfo meoneso owh arnedle it irtyth condsse goa.
Sato: 担ti rprisinglysu syea enwh u池eyo me.
Ravis: At last! I have searched the world over for a creature whose language skill rivals my own. Now, at last, that search is over.
Sato: Gave up, eh? Can稚 blame you.
Ravis: Sigh... well, I never said her mind had to rival mine.

Babe 1: You池e cute.
Babe 2: So are you.
Tucker: (Pssst... Malcolm, are they coming on to us or each other?)
Reed: (Us, fool!) Good day, ladies. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Reed -- Malcolm Reed.
Tucker: And I知 Charles... um... Dickens. Yeah.

Archer: You池e certainly an accomplished stargazer.
Keyla: It値l do till I find some bigger enterprise. Hey Jon, what痴 that?
Archer: That is the constellation Leo.
Keyla: No... that.
Archer: Why, that痴 -- holy crap! Archer to Enterprise: someone痴 firing on the surface!
T単ol: (over the comm) Not me. And Reed is still on the planet, isn稚 he?
Archer: Then there痴 only one possibility. Send a heavily-armed security team to the torpedo tubes and tell them to prepare to fight... the Aibo.
T単ol: The Aibo痴 back? Oh NO! We池e all doomed!
Keyla: Look, I知 really getting annoyed at the way you keep sidelining me in my own subplot....

Sato: You look familiar. Are your people related to the Denobulans at all?
Ravis: Hmm... being ripoffs of the same race makes us cousins once removed, I think.
Sato: Interesting. I壇 love to learn your language....
Ravis: Are you sure? It痴 bone-crunchingly difficult.
Sato: Well, it can稚 be harder than Klingon. Anybody who can speak that has way too much spare time.

Tucker: So then I said to Jon, 溺irage, eh? Mirage THIS! And I punched him in the face!
Babe 1: You two are really something. Trip痴 been president... Reed slew the mighty Aibo with his bare hands....
Babe 2: You致e both hit your captain at least six times....
Reed: Yep, we池e pretty happenin guys. It痴 no wonder Time magazine picked us both for Man of the Year.
Babe 1: Well, I think it痴 time to go downstairs and have a little fun. Of the 砥s tying you up and taking your clothes variety.
Tucker: Those are the sweetest, most ambiguous words I致e heard all year.

Mayweather: Oh, the pain!
Cutler: Here, let me... heheheh... get you something... heh... for that... heheheheh....
Mayweather: It would really help if you壇 stop laughing!
T単ol: Heheheheheheh... sorry, Ensign. You shouldn稚 have told us about the cliff changing shape to spell out 典ravis is a loser. Oh, my sides....

Tucker: I gotta say, this result doesn稚 exactly meet my great expectations.
Reed: Don稚 give up so easily. Maybe the girls just wanted a break after tying us up.
Tucker: They致e been gone for nineteen hours! And they池e criminals! And they池e men!
Reed: Oh ye of little faith. It was you who taught me optimism in the first place, remember?
Tucker: I didn稚 teach it to you, I traded it for your pessimism!
Reed: And a very good trade it was.
Tucker: No it wasn稚.

Ravis: ....weretheborogovesandthemomerathsoutgrabe. There, now you know the name of my planet.
Sato: It took you four and a half minutes to say all that!
Ravis: Yeah, it痴 something of a pain. My people usually just call the planet Wocky for short.
Sato: I think that goes a long way toward explaining why your people don稚 run the galaxy.
Ravis: It痴 Wocky痴 fault, not ours.

Archer: Want some tea? It痴 a very serious flavour.
Keyla: I really think you need to loosen up, Jon. Why not have some fun? You can稚 possibly be married to the ship yet, and it isn稚 like a little happiness would cost you your soul.
Archer: Oh, I知 just worried about what the Aibo痴 planning... and I also feel like you池e holding something back from me.
Keyla: Who, me? The only issue I have is a deep-seated hatred of the Suliban.
Archer: Well--
Keyla: Did I just hear someone say Suliban? CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!
Archer: Keyla, you said it.
Keyla: Er... heh. Okay, so 電eep-seated may be a mild understatement.

Cutler: Psssst... Phlox, wake up.
Cutler: Ensign Mayweather really needs your help. See, the thing is... I lied. I don稚 know where the bandages are. Poor Travis scraped his elbow and there痴 nothing I can do....
Cutler: Come on, Doctor! You致e gotta -- OH MY GOD! The Aibo just broke down the door with a chainsaw!
T単ol: (Oo, this is gonna be good. Somebody cue the ominous music. And get me some popcorn!)

Tucker: Ever notice how our lives are like some kind of sitcom?
Reed: I don稚 see the connection.
Tucker: Well, we get in these contrived messes every week, right? And we always end up finding some humourous solution, insulting each other all the while.
Reed: Trip?
Tucker: Yeah?
Reed: Don稚 quit your day job.
Laugh Track: HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Keyla: This wine isn稚 half bad. Where did you get it?
Archer: I知 not really sure. I brought a big crate of grapes aboard before we left Earth, and we were out of space so I stuck it in the boiler room... when I went to get it ten months later, somebody had replaced it with a big crate of wine. We池e still investigating.
Keyla: Well, I guess I knew the risks when I decided to ask you a question. Shall we toast?
Archer: Sure. To the journey?
Keyla: To successful espionage.
Archer: Hear, hear.

Cutler: Doctor! Doctor, you have to get up! The Aibo痴 coming and only you can stop him!
Aibo: ROWF!
Aibo: ROWF!
Aibo: ROWF! Rowf! Rowwww.... ZZZZZZZZ
Cutler: I don稚 believe it! Phlox, you... you slept it to sleep!
T単ol: (Geez, what kind of ending was that? I want my money back.)

Ravis: So this is where we find out whether you still respect me in the morning.
Sato: I知 already dressed and heading out the door -- take a wild guess.
Ravis: Just don稚 forget me!
Sato: I won稚. But I sure will try to forget your planet....

Tucker: Let痴 go over our story again. First, our clothes were eaten by evil moths....
Reed: No, first the pirates kidnapped us. Then we leapt overboard and swam to shore, and then the evil moths showed up.
Tucker: Right. And that痴 why we池e now walking through the bar in our underwear.
Reed: I知 just grateful that Maris isn稚 here to see this....

Archer: I致e found out your real secret, Keyla.
Keyla: Look, I知 not ashamed of the operation. Sometimes people are just born the wrong gender.
Archer: Ewwwww. Not that secret. I mean the one about your being a Tandaran.
Keyla: Oh, shoot... you analyzed the glass, didn稚 you? I was really hoping you hadn稚 seen 的n the Flesh....
Archer: I致e studied the histories of all the Archers who came before me. So you池e working for Grat, eh?
Keyla: Not exactly. I知 working for the Aibo and he痴 working for Grat.
Archer: I might have known.
Keyla: But you didn稚. Mind if I render you unconscious?
Archer: Not at all. Wait, what am I -- ZZZZZZZZ

Captain痴 Starlog: Porthos eventually managed to wake me up. I think he痴 still working out some rage about the Aibo; fortunately, I hear Dr. Phlox is good at reattaching ears.
Archer: I hope that log entry sounded okay. How did the rest of you guys spend your two days?
Tucker, Reed, Sato, and Mayweather: I don稚 want to talk about it.
Archer: Pardon?

Tucker: Hey baby I hear the blues a-calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs....
Reed: Quite stylish.
Tucker: And maybe I seem a bit confused... well, maybe, but I got you pegged....
Reed: A shooby dooby da ba dooby da ba doo ba....
Tucker: But I don稚 know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs....
Reed: Oh my!
Tucker: They池e callin again.
Reed: Goodnight Seattle! We love you!
Tucker: Tucker has left the building.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly two years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He probably would have planned a vacation as nerdy as Archer did.