The ForgottenBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at June 10, 2005 - 12:07 AM GMT
See Also: 'The Forgotten' Episode Guide
Archer: We will defeat the Xindi. For Earth... and for the eighteen.
Tucker: (Um, Cap'n, we've only lost 17.)
Archer: (Aw man, really? That's no good. I can't show fallibility in front of the --)
Ensign Goosefood: GAK!
Archer: Whew! Thanks, Phlox. You're a pal.
Samus: Stole your warp coil, eh? Typical. Damn those giant praying mantises of death!
Illyian Captain: (over the comm) What? No, these were humanoids. Came from a ship called Enterprise.
Samus: Oh reeeally? Looks like my work there isn't done after all! Set a course, Adam!
Illyian Captain: Hey, uh, before you go, do you think you could spare a warp coil? ...Hello?
T'Pol: I'm not sure I trust this turnaround on Degra's part. What if it's a trick?
Archer: What would he have gained by waiting till now to turn on us?
T'Pol: He may actually be a Cat Xindi who likes to play with his food.
Archer: And with that brilliant example of logical reasoning, the day can truly begin.
Tucker: You want me to write Taylor's parents? Don't you write those letters?
Archer: I'll be honest: I wouldn't have known Taylor from a lampstand. Or Travis.
Tucker: But I'm so busy with repairs!
Archer: And Degra's going to what, show himself all this evidence? Hmm, that might actually be a timesaver. Thanks.
Phlox: Sorry, no change from last week. You're hooked on these feelings.
T'Pol: There must be something you can do!
Phlox: Well, I know one thing that might help with your stress. Commander Tucker is reasonably competent with a procedure called Vulcan neuropressure....
T'Pol: I hate you. I can do that now.
(CLANK WUNK BONK)
Archer: Flying through asteroid fields is a headache. I liked it better when it was Travis's head.
Lieutenant Sue: We're being hailed, sir. It's Degra.
Archer: Great! I'll go see him. You have the bridge... Commander.
Commander Sue: I hope Hoshi never comes back.
T'Pol: As do we all.
Sato: Well, that bouncer definitely won't be helping us. What now?
Reed: We could knock on the window to get Travis's attention.
Mysterious Sage: That would do you no good. They can't see outside.
Sato: Who are you?
Mysterious Sage: That isn't important. Come with me....
Reed: Ooo, mysterious.
Degra: Glad you could make it, Captain. I hope you didn't have any trouble.
Archer: We did, but we shared it. Speaking of which, I've got a ton of evidence to share with you, starting with this glove. Observe!
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Seems to fit you.
Archer: ....Yes. Okay, moving right along....
T'Pol: Whereas the biconditional is equivalent to a conjunction of -- Mr. Tucker!
Tucker: Zz... wha? I wasn't sleeping! I'm listening! Raptly!
T'Pol: You've clearly had far too little sleep since the attack.
Tucker: Hey, your scintillating lunch conversation isn't exactly helping me stay awake.
T'Pol: It's logic. Because I know logic and it is fascinating to me. Fascinating, dammit!
Tucker: Quick, get the fire extinguishers! Good thing I was awake to handle this, eh, T'Pol?
Kelby: You tell 'er, sir. We'd never had thought of the extinguishers ourselves.
Tucker: (mutters) That one's trouble.
Adam: The starship Enterprise is just ahead. You will recall that there are bat-Metroids aboard.
Samus: Yes, I remember.
Adam: Bat-Matroids are stronger than normal Metroids, but are still vulnerable to cold. Your Ice Missiles should work.
Samus: Let's skip the briefing for once, okay? I'm going in.
Archer: These are the bodies of the Reptile Xindi we found making a bioweapon in the past.
Degra: Cold-blooded bastards!
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Degra, your picture is in the dictionary under "gullible." Bioweapon? The past? Please.
Archer: Come with me and I'll prove it. ...Degra?
Degra: (on the comm) Yes, "gullible," he said. Go check. I'll wait.
Archer: This vial contains their biotoxin, capable of killing any human.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: And I'm supposed to just take your word for it?
Phlox: Of course not. Hey! Crewman! Here's that painkiller you wanted!
Crewman: Thanks, Doc! (gulp)
Archer: ....Phlox, remind me I have to give that speech again.
Mysterious Sage: This tavern is older than any of you know. Far beyond all the nth walls, there is a race of beings whose fictional stories take on a reality of their own. They worship three gods, and one day --
Mysterious Sage: Don't worry, I'm used to it. Now one day the Esteemed Friendly God saw that some characters in those stories lacked depth and importance. Taking pity on them, he created a place where they could be together and grow as people.
Sato: The Underused Characters' Tavern.
Mysterious Sage: Yes. But his work was poisoned by the Mighty Evil God, who placed a trap on the tavern so that no one who entered could leave again. This was the last straw that turned the two gods' feud into all-out war.
Mysterious Sage: In the end, the force of their battle cast each into a different universe. The Evil God ended up in Andromeda's universe, and I believe the Friendly God is in yours somewhere.
Sato: But you said there were three gods.
Mysterious Sage: And that is the key. Listen closely....
Tucker: And don't get me started on that "new" show of yours! I -- you want somethin', Doc?
Phlox: Sorry to interrupt a good subordinate-thrashing, but T'Pol says you're not getting any sleep, and my cameras say it's not for a marketable reason. Go rest.
Tucker: And if I don't?
Phlox: Within six hours you will collapse, comatose or even dead from the energy drain.
Tucker: Whoa! Lack of sleep can do that?
Phlox: No, I'm going to sic one of my bat-Metroids on you.
Degra: These scans... you had a Guardian on your ship?
Phlox: That's right. I would have shown you the corpse, but it vaporized. Well, mostly. I fed what was left to my Venus sloth trap.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Your what?
Phlox: That giant plant in the corner that's been watching you since you came in. I think it likes you!
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: ....Captain Archer, you have won us over. Let's go talk about our next move somewhere other than in this room.
Archer: Woo! I rock at this.
Cheese Guy: All is of the cheese, and life is Swiss.
Tucker: Yep, I'm dreamin' all right. -- Hey, who's there? I keep my visions to myself!
Taylor: Relax, Mac. It's only me that wants to wrap around your dreams.
Tucker: Ahh, of corrs. I'm dreamin' about you because I'm so upset about your death.
Taylor: I'm dead? Nooooo! I thought this was some kind of psychic bond!
Tucker: Get real.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: How can you trust this human so easily? Everything he's shown us could have been faked with thoron fields or optolythic data rods or whatever.
Degra: He also knew my unborn third child's name.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: So? I do too. Everybody does. It's on your stationery, for Pete's sake.
Degra: Someone has to make sure you people think of the children.
Tucker: So I'm from Florida. The place you shot with your weapon. Killin' seven million people.
Degra: Florida? We aimed the project for Manhattan! Did... did those victims include....
Tucker: Children? You betcha. Know how many? Some.
Degra: NOOOOOOOOO! (runs off)
Archer: Hey! Get your act together, mister! We need his help!
Tucker: Yeah, whatever. When Churchill needed Stalin's help, did he make all nice with him?
Tucker: And know where he is now? Dead.
Hull Breach: SHHHHHH
Commander Sue: Uh oh. Captain, we've got a hull breach!
Hull Breach: Hey! I said "shhh"!
Archer: And so I'm like "We'll see about THAT!" And I go get a big -- Phlox, do you smell plasma?
Phlox: Samus! How've you been? I love the new look -- very organic.
Samus: Shut up! I'm here to investigate a charge of piracy! Space piracy!
Archer: Er... well, the thing is....
Phlox: Oh, don't worry, Captain. She doesn't care. She's just here to collect some powerup she couldn't get last time. Right?
Samus: No! I.... (sigh) All right, which way is E Deck again?
Tucker: We've almost fixed the hole, Cap'n. Kelby's been a big help.
Tucker: (Almost too big. Hmm.....)
Tucker: "Oops"! "Sorry" about that, Kelby!
Degra: I hope your crewman will be all right.
Tucker: Oh, stop it, you're gettin' crocodile tears all over the deck.
Degra: Do I look like a Reptilian to you?
Sato: Well, that's interesting. Now all we need is a way to communicate with the inside of the tavern without trapping ourselves.
Mysterious Sage: That won't be easy. The wards on the tavern are powerful and --
Bouncer: Hey! Who just blew up all the walls?
Mysterious Sage: That... that was....
Reed: I know. Less than half the yield it should have delivered. I must have crossed a wire somewhere.
Archer: Sorry about Trip. The last year has changed us all. For example, I've gone from an explorer to the kind of guy who'd wipe your memory without a second thought. Or your thoughts without a second memory.
Degra: Who knows? If our alliance succeeds, maybe you'll be an explorer again.
Archer: ....So what you're saying is, you're going to wipe my memory back?
Samus: (morph-rolls into a hole, lands on a Chozo item)
Samus's HUD: Corbomite Bombs acquired. In morph, hold R to charge and press B to place.
Samus: Ha! This is going to be fun.
Phlox: You know, you could have gotten that item last time by bomb jumping.
Samus: I suck at that.
Tucker: The thing is, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor... your daughter died to help us save Earth. The part she saved was probably Australia. No, that's a little big... maybe Madagascar? (sigh) This is no good. Computer, stop recording.
Computer: At least you can commit. Archer just pauses me all the time.
Commander Sue: (over the comm) Tactical alert! Battlestations!
Tucker: Guess you can't call it Reed Alert, huh?
Commander Sue: Malcolm said that if I did, he'd Sue.
Degra: Crap! Reptilians!
Archer: No need to repeat yourself. We'll just hide behind a moon or something like we usually do.
T'Pol: They have already detected and targeted us.
Archer: Exactly! Let's see them blast through a moon to get us.
Mayweather: Malcolm? Hoshi? What are you doing here?
Sato: Not now, Travis. (ahem) We call upon the Downright Useless Neutral God!
Downright Useless Neutral God: What the...? Where am I?
Sato: You were trapped here without even realizing it, O impartial one. Destroy this place and free yourself!
Downright Useless Neutral God: NEUTRON BLAST!
(sound of magic breaking)
Downright Useless Neutral God: Thank you, mortals. I wish you average lifespans and middle-class prosperity. Farewell.
Reed: Wait a minute. How was that guy underused?
Mysterious Sage: Who prays to a neutral god?
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Who, Degra? Nah, he's not here. We're just meeting with the humans to... um... threaten them. In his ship.
Reptilian Captain: Oh, really? Let's hear one of your threats.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: "We'll blow up your planet like a balloon!"
Reptilian Captain: (forehead-smack) There's a reason you other species usually leave the threatening to us.
Archer: You've got to disable their ship, Degra! It's our only hope!
Degra: You're asking me to betray my own people! More! So yes. Gunners, fire!
(ZAP ZAP... BOOM)
Archer: You didn't need to kill them.
Degra: (shrug) In for a penny, in for a pound of flesh.
Lorne, Dr. Crusher, Glyde.EXE, Jimmy Cooper, etc.: Oof....
Mayweather: Great. Now I have to find some other interdimensional hangout. Maybe Milliways....
Sato: Wait! Travis, I'm sorry I hurt you. T'Pol was using me for some kind of revenge, and I didn't realize what I'd done till you left.
Mayweather: Does... does this mean you're taking me back?
Sato: Heck no. You're dumped like Humpty, and if you can't deal with that, it's your problem. But we can still be friends. Now c'mon back, everyone misses you.
Mayweather: Wellll... okay. Let's go save Earth!
Reed: (nudging Hoshi) So, guess that means you're single, eh, baby? --OWWW!
T'Pol: Is this really necessary? (sigh) ...There, there, Commander. It will be all right for some reason.
Tucker: Thanks, T'Pol. This thing with Taylor is just remindin' me of Elizabeth, that's all.
T'Pol: I sympathize. I too have only been pretending to care that Taylor died.
Tucker: Wait a sec. Isn't sympathy an emotion?
T'Pol: Did I say "sympathize"? I meant "synchronize." My chronometer reads 1843 hours -- and yours?
Degra: We'll meet again at these coordinates so I can bring you before the Council. Be there in two days, and have an adventure on the way.
Archer: It's what we do. TTFN.
Degra: Tell The Fools Nothing to you too. Can't be too careful.
Samus: Tell your captain I'll be watching him. He's lucky I have pressing business elsewhere right now.
Phlox: (over the comm) Heh heh. "Pressing business." You just want to go blow up all the Corbomite Bomb blocks you've seen so far.
Adam: Rather astute, isn't he, Lady?
Samus: Oh, mute yourself.
Tucker: ....and that's how your daughter's death got me a hug from a much hotter woman. Yours truly, Charles Tucker III. End recording.
Mayweather: I think they'll like it.
Tucker: Travis! Welcome back. Hoshi and Malcolm okay?
Mayweather: Mostly, but Mal's not happy about missing the armoured babe again. Listen, I gotta tell you something about T'Pol....
Tucker: Sure. But first I wanna hear how you got out this time! Wits? Violence? Seducing a waitress?
Mayweather: Apparently it was thanks to a mysterious sage. We never did get his name....
Xander: I am gonna kill Spike for recommending that place.
Giles: Yes, we're all going to kill Spike for one reason or another.
Dawn: Thanks for getting us out, Giles! (hug)
Anya: You know, mysterious sage is a good look for you. Better than stodgy old librarian in tweed.
Dawn: Or unemployed hat-wearing layabout.
Xander: And let's not forget angsty coffeehouse guitarist.
Giles: You can all thank me by shutting up.
(The gang return to the Buffyverse at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly five years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. You're through the worst of the goofy Season 3 subplots now.