Shadows of P'JemBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at February 14, 2002 - 5:24 AM GMT
See Also: 'Shadows of P'Jem' Episode Guide
Soval: Waaaaaaa! P'Jem was destroyed!
Forrest: And you're just telling us now? You're a little late for sympathy.
Soval: You humans are so cruel...why do you always hurt our feelings?
Forrest: Feelings? But I thought --
Soval: Stop it! Everything you say is so hurtful!
Archer: So we found this place called Coridan with lots of --
Tucker: -- dilithium. We've all seen "Journey to Babel."
Archer: You interrupted me. As a result, you get to stay on the ship and be useless while I go on the mission.
Tucker: Bring me back something?
Archer: Hiya, Sherwood!
Forrest: (over the comm) Since when are we on a first-name basis? Especially now that you've made the Vulcans thank we hate them....
Archer: We do.
Forrest: And I hate your mother, but do I let her think so? No! Your penalty is the loss of a valued crewman.
Archer: Well, at least Travis is safe.
Mayweather: I heard that.
Archer: I've got a surprise for you, T'Pol.
T'Pol: Ooo, a surprise! Gimme a hint.
Archer: It involves packing your bags.
T'Pol: Aha -- you're finally giving me those bigger quarters I asked for!
Archer: This isn't a happy surprise.
T'Pol: Oh no. You're going to make me move in with Trip! Please, sir, have mercy! I'll do anything you want! Anything!
Archer: I think I'd better tell you before you guess yourself to death. You've been recalled.
Archer: And Trip's going too.
Tucker: T'Pol's going home? Woohoo!
Archer: What are you so happy about?
Tucker: Once she's gone, I'll be first officer again, and that'll make me seem more manly and appealing to T'Pol.
Archer: But T'Pol will be gone.
Tucker: Hmm...you have a point. Maybe I should have thought this through.
T'Pol: Boy, am I bummed about this.
Phlox: Look on the bright side -- you won't have to be the only alien on Enterprise anymore.
T'Pol: You don't have any mirrors in your quarters, do you?
Phlox: On my salary? Not likely.
T'Pol: We're entering orbit of Coridan. Population 3 billion -- all Borg.
T'Pol: And you don't wanna know what's in the atmosphere.
Archer: You're not even looking at your console!
T'Pol: Ha ha ha! What're you gonna do -- fire me?
Enemy Ship: We were thinking more of firing AT you.
Archer: That's a poor substitute.
T'Pol: Okay, so now we're tied together in the dark. This sucks.
Archer: I'd say I agree, but that would probably bug all the male viewers who would kill to be in my situation.
T'Pol: Especially since we may have to go through decon on the way back.
Every Male Enterprise Viewer: Stop rubbing it in!
T'Pol: Say, now that you mention rubbing --
Terrorist Guy: This has gone far enough. Time for an ominous interruption, starring me.
Archer: Ominous? Please. You're about as threatening as shepherd's pie. You don't even have a name.
Terrorist Guy: Big talk from a guy whose dog has a cooler name than he does.
Tucker: Seen our crew members anywhere?
Government Representative: (over the comm) I'm pretty sure we couldn't care less.
Tucker: Hey Malcolm, remind me -- is that a good sign? This command stuff is complicated.
T'Pol: And now, T & A. Sigh.
Archer: You don't have to sound quite so blasé.
T'Pol: Do so. It's in my contract.
Archer: Ah well...what's important is the goal this scene will accomplish.
T'Pol: Oh, please. What possible goal could that be?
Archer: To demonstrate our complete lack of sexual tension.
T'Pol: Wow -- that is a worthy goal! Touché.
Archer: My thoughts exactly.
Terrorist Guy: (over the comm) We have your crewmen.
Tucker: You do? Which ones?
Terrorist Guy: You know, the ones in the shuttle. Captain T'Pol and this Porthos guy.
Tucker: I want proof.
Terrorist Guy: Okay. You there -- speak up.
Archer: (over the comm) Ruff!
Tucker: Oh NO! How am I gonna explain this to Jon?
Reed: Still no sign of the planet.
Tucker: You mean no sign of them on the planet, right?
Reed: Actually, I was giving you a preview of what I'll be saying once you give me permission to fire all weapons.
Tucker: Oh, you wish.
Mayweather: There's a Vulcan ship coming in, sir.
Tucker: Fire all weapons!
Sopek: Hi there. Why are you all glaring at us?
Tucker: In case you haven't noticed, our ship's motto is "Vulcans = Evil."
Sopek: Well, stop worrying so much -- we'll find your crewmen and bring them back safe and sound. Or dead and sound. Definitely sound, anyway.
Tucker: And what are we supposed to do in the meantime?
Sopek: Help yourself to a copy of our ship's newspaper. You can read it while you're waiting.
Tucker: This is Pravda.
Sopek: Oops! How'd that get in there? Here you go.
Tucker: This is still Pravda, just a different issue.
Sopek: Don't you humans ever stop complaining?
Archer: Hey, there's a blinky thing in my food.
T'Pol: It's probably a bomb. You should eat it.
Archer: Oh, come on! That can't possibly be logical.
T'Pol: Which one of us is the expert? Huh?
Sopek: (over the comm) Okay, what's the big idea?
Sato: What ever do you mean, sir?
Sopek: You just launched a shuttle.
Mayweather: No we didn't.
Sopek: And it spelled out "Ha ha, Vulcans suck" with its ion trail!
Sato: No it didn't.
Sopek: So you admit that there was a shuttle?
Mayweather: Um, apparently so. (Hoshi, shut up!)
Sato: But just a little shuttle. (Oh, like you'd do any better....)
Tucker: Hey, I remember you!
Shran: Yes, I know. I still have issues with that whole incident, so just this once I'll help you out.
Tucker: What are you talking about?
Shran: You know, all that stuff on P'Jem?
Tucker: Oh, that. I was talking about an old TV show. Didn't you play some guy called Blunt?
T'Pol: ....and then the rabbi says to the deep-sea diver, "I don't know about you, but --"
Reed: (over the comm) Captain! Can you hear us?
T'Pol: Quiet, you. I'm trying to finish a joke here.
Tucker: Okay, so you're alive...what about Porthos?
T'Pol: If I tell you it's actually Archer and not Porthos, will you arrive sooner?
Tucker: Later, if anything.
T'Pol: Porthos is fine.
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
Reed: We're here to free a couple of prisoners. Now, we can do this as a weird, confusing fight scene, or you can just step aside.
Guard: What's in it for me?
Reed: Hmm...we'll give you a speaking part in an episode to be named never.
Shran: Okay, I've saved you. No more debt now. Did you ever consider that? Huh? Did you?
Shran: No! I knew you wouldn't have! And now you can just keep your mouth shut.
T'Pol: Oh, lovely -- you've confused him into a coma. Now we'll have to carry him. Did you ever consider that? Huh? Did you?
Sopek: Okay, that does it! My elite Romulan strike force will destroy you all!
T'Pol: Not if I take a bullet for you first.
Sopek: Should I comment on that logic?
T'Pol: Not unless you want to have something in common with Archer here.
Sopek: Ew. No. Fine, take your stupid bullet and get lost.
Phlox: Great job, Sopak. Now T'Pol's nearly dead.
T'Pol: Am not!
Archer: Shhh. So...feeling guilty?
Sopek: Well...maybe just a little....
Archer: AHA! Now you have to go get T'Pol her job back!
Sopek: Rats! I hate doing good deeds....
Archer: That's ruff, my friend.
T'Pol: Oof. That mission could have gone better.
Archer: No it couldn't have. You're not leaving, nobody got killed, and you're stuck in Sickbay in your tank top for 24 hours.
T'Pol: But Trip's still going to Vulcan, right?
Archer: Heck no.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He'll do "Shuttlepod One" on time. Seriously, he will. Really.