Rogue PlanetBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at March 29, 2002 - 9:17 AM GMT
See Also: 'Rogue Planet' Episode Guide
Archer: Glad that's over with... um, T'Pol, why are you standing behind me?
T'Pol: No reason.
Archer: You were giving me bunny ears, weren't you? Weren't you?
T'Pol: For the last time, it's not bunny ears, it's the "live long and prosper" symbol.
Archer: So you admit it!
T'Pol: I admit nothing.
Archer: But you just --
T'Pol: No I didn't.
Archer: But --
T'Pol: Talk to the hand.
Archer: You --
T'Pol: The hand.
Archer: It --
Archer: Ooohh... my head hurts. I'm going to my quarters.
Tucker: T'Pol, you've gotta show me how to do that.
Archer: Looks like we're headed for that small moon.
T'Pol: That's no moon -- it's a rogue planet.
Archer: What's that, some kind of X-Men fansite?
T'Pol: Probably. But also a preposterous high concept.
Mayweather: I have a very bad feeling about this....
Reed: Hey, watch it! You almost landed on those plants.
Archer: Do you think I'm stupid or something? Plants without photosynthesis -- yeah, right.
Reed: But they're right there.
Archer: Sure they are, Malcolm. Sure they are.
Reed: Hmm... guess they're only visible to people as smart as me. I'll call it "The Emperor's New Grove."
Sato: Okay, here we are. Can we get this over with already?
Archer: Just gimme a sec to put on my night goggle.
Reed: (Wait for it, T'Pol....)
Archer: YEEEEEEEEEAGGGGH! I CAN'T SEE! Somebody pointed my eyepiece the wrong way!
T'Pol: Heheheheh. Nicely done.
Reed: Thank you.
Buzaan: Are you here to enforce the hunting ban? Because if so, we're the ones with guns.
Reed: Pfft. Not the only ones.
Archer: Shut up, Reed. Now then... I'm Captain Archer, and this is weapon guy Reed and token babe T'Pol.
Sato: Hey, what about me? Don't I get introduced?
Archer: Okay. Hoshi, I'm Captain Archer, and this is --
Sato: To the aliens!
Archer: Okay. Archer to Phlox: there's someone down here who'd like to meet you.
Sato: That's it, I'm leaving.
Shiraht: ....and so we come here every year to hunt and get moralized at.
Reed: Sounds like fun. Can I try?
Buzaan: This is no joke, kid. The animals are so dangerous we can't even describe them with existing words. We have to make up our own, like "manxome" and "mospinispinosp" and "zelazny."
Reed: Ha! Zelazny is my middle name! I scoff at ospenifpenoff! ...or whatever.
Buzaan: What do you think, Archer? Is he up to a little hunting?
Archer: Are you kidding? He hunts on the ship. If Chef didn't keep him supplied with edible animals to shoot, he'd have killed half the crew by now.
Buzaan: Hmm... okay, he can come. But no weapons bigger than a refrigerator allowed.
Captain's Starlog: Remember that "get Hoshi back to the ship" bit that offended so many people in the pilot? I'm gonna say it again. Hee hee.
Tucker: This is stupid. Why do I have to come to this lame planet?
Reed: The captain said something about keeping the T/Ters happy. Leaving so soon, Hoshi?
Sato: Yep; I'm through with this series. So long.
Reed: But -- but who can take your place?
Sato: I left a scarecrow at my duty station. If anyone notices the difference, call me.
T'Pol: We should bring down some of the crew, but no more than six at once. We don't want a penalty.
Archer: Fair enough. Hope our supply of cool leather jackets holds out.
Buzaan: Time to hit the sack, you two. It's getting late.
Archer: How the heck can you tell?
Mysterious Woman: Pssssst... knock knock.
Archer: Who's there?
Archer: Whoosh who? Hey, wait a sec -- that was a sound effect! Come back!
Buzaan: Captain, be reasonable. What are the chances that you would meet a half-naked woman... well, ever?
Archer: I'm not making this up.
Tucker: Captain, we're not calling you a liar, but I lied just a second ago.
Archer: Hmm... "but I lied just a second ago".... hey!
Mayweather: (over the comm) Can I join in the Archer-bashing? Please?
Tucker: Sure! Always room for one more.
Buzaan: Okay, let's hunt. Care to get us under way, Mr. Reed?
Reed: Sure. (ahem) "And now, let the wild rumpus begin!"
Hunters: The what?
Reed: Um. Hunt. That was what I meant to say. Yeah.
Archer: See? There she is, right over there.
Tucker: You're a nut! You're crazy in the coconut!
Archer: Come on, Trip. Have I ever done anything stupid?
Tucker: In anticipation of that question, I've prepared a brief outline of the major examples. Let's start with twelve minutes after conception....
Archer: Oh, forget it! I have a girl to chase. See ya.
Tucker: That boy needs therapy.
Woman: Knock knock.
Archer: Who's there?
Archer: I'm not falling for that one again. Now get back here and tell me the joke!
Woman: Sorry. I desperately need your help, so it's hardly in my best interest to stick around.
Archer: What? Even I can see how stupid that is.
Woman: I didn't write the screenplay, okay?
Buzaan: Okay, the "find and shoot them" plan isn't working. Anybody got another idea?
Shiraht: We could always dress up like Nazis and pretend this is occupied France.
Reed: I like it.
Damrus: Hello? I believe I said "Yeeeeeaagh"... oh, forget it.
Archer: See, T'Pol? These tricorder readings prove I'm not crazy.
T'Pol: That's just the kind of crazy idea I'd expect from you.
Archer: Oh, I get it... you must be jealous of that girl!
T'Pol: Why? Is she dating Trip?
Phlox: ....which is why the cellular residue indicates that... er....
Tucker: Something wrong, Doc?
Phlox: I'm just surprised you haven't tried to kill me yet.
Tucker: Please. That joke is so "Fortunate Son."
Archer: (ahem) I'm alone. In an uncharted part of the galaxy....
Woman: Skip the speech, I'm here already.
Archer: How did you know I was going to make a speech?
Woman: I can see your thoughts. And your underwear!
Archer: My WHAT?
Woman: Kidding. Anyway, here's the deal: I'm good, the hunters are bad, and Phlox is ugly.
Archer: Wow, thanks for telling me. I'd never have guessed.
Woman: Coming from anyone else, that would be sarcasm....
Buzaan: Mind if I talk with sudden and inexplicable frankness?
Archer: Not at all.
Buzaan: Thanks. Me and my pals here are hunting sentient beings for fun, just like evil people do.
Archer: Do tell. And what kind of beings?
Buzaan: You know, Changelings.
Buzaan: Things... that... can... turn... into... other... things.
T'Pol: Oh, okay. Can they turn into a rock?
Tucker: Can they turn into Iraq?
Archer: Can they --
Buzaan: OH, SHUT UP!
Archer: I've decided to intervene in this conflict, in keeping with my policy of pretending not to play God while in fact doing so. Phlox, rig up a --
Phlox: No need, sir. You annoyed the Eskans so much they've already left.
Archer: Oh. Then I'll just skip ahead to my scene with Trip....
Tucker: Why bother? There's no crisis anymore.
Archer: Is it all right with you people if I at least say goodbye to my hallucination?
T'Pol: Sure. Anything to get you off the ship.
Archer: Before you go, there's one last thing I have to know....
Woman: The knock knock joke, right?
Woman: Fine. Knock knock.
Archer: Who's there?
Woman: Interrupting a doofus.
Woman: There you go. Happy now?
Mayweather: And thus ends another adventure.
T'Pol: You'll take any excuse for a line, won't you?
Mayweather: You bet! And speaking of people like that, where's Hoshi, anyway?
John Crichton: I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but we just don't have an opening for a translator. See, there are these microbes and --
Sato: Oh, not again! Every franchise has some excuse. "The Commonwealth enforced a universal language." "We have a robot who's fluent in over six million forms of communication." "Our last translator got Crusade cancelled." I'm sick of it!
Crichton: Well, I wish we could keep you, really... but even without the translator thing, Aeryn would kill me if I brought another babe on board.
Sato: Sigh... I understand. Can you at least recommend another series for me to try?
Crichton: What about Lexx?
Sato: You'd better be kidding, bub.
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He did some checking and there doesn't seem to be an X-Men fansite called "Rogue Planet," but there's a rogueplanet.com.....