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The Trek Nation - Proving Ground

Proving Ground

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 25, 2004 - 2:45 AM GMT

Talas: Still no sign of the humans.
Shran: Arrrgh. How hard can it be to find a human in a -- hey! Stack those on my desk.
Talas: The sewing magazines?
Shran: Yes. I never said you could read them.

Degra: Good news: the prototype weapon is ready to test.
Dolim: At last! Go fire it at my mother-in-law's planet at once!
Degra: It's not as powerful as the real weapon. The most it can do is destroy a small moon.
Dolim: (sigh) Darth Vader never had to put up with this.
Degra: He never had a mother-in-law to worry about, either.

Sato: We've picked up a faint signal that matches the Spider-Tracer we planted back in "The Shipment."
Archer: Nice! Tell Travis to set a course.
Sato: Could you tell him yourself, sir? Things are a bit awkward between Travis and me right now.
Archer: Why? Oh, right, Phlox's stupid aphrodisiac gas. Sure, I'll tell him.
Phlox: (over the comm) The gas is sentient, you know. You're hurting its feelings.
Archer: Hey, when I grounded you, that applied to the comm too.

T'Pol: There is a massive anomaly field between Enterprise and the destination.
Mayweather: Should I plot a course around it?
Archer: Negative -- maintain course. Sometimes you just have to punch your way through.

(WHAM)

T'Pol: Oh, very nice. What genius did you pick up that little kernel of wisdom from? Whoever it was, I hope he can fix the ship!
Archer: Did you know I have a $100 bet with Trip that he can't find someone more negative than you?
Reed: Hey, someone just pulled us out of the field with a tractor beam. Why isn't my counter-tractor-beam beam working?
Shran: (over the comm) Greetings, pinkskins!
Archer: Shran!
Mayweather: Shran!
T'Pol: Sh...ran!
Shran: To answer your question, we have a counter-counter-tractor-beam-beam beam.

Archer: We really appreciate your saving us. Now explain why you're here or I'm stapling your antennae to the ceiling.
T'Pol: I volunteer for that job.
Shran: It's quite simple. We friendly, peace-loving Andorians heard about the attack on Earth, and we decided you needed a more useful ally than the Romulans.
Archer: The Romulans?
Shran: We've taken to calling the Vulcans that.

Archer: We're going to let the Andorians help us with repairs. Their tactical officer is coming aboard.
Reed: Oh, good. I was afraid only one person was going to try and upstage me this season.
Archer: She's a babe.
Reed: I... um, I still... have some security concerns....
Archer: No you don't.
Reed: I'm trying to, dammit!

Archer: What's with the box of safety scissors?
T'Pol: They're for the Andorians. Surely we aren't letting them use real tools.
Archer: These are all left-handed.
T'Pol: Andorians are sinister.
Archer: You need to let go of your prejudice. Shran's crew are here to help.
T'Pol: Help us fail in our mission! Wait, I've got a better one. Help themselves to our technology! Clever, eh?

Talas: Which one of you is Reed?
Tucker: He is. You can tell 'cause he's attentive and I'm worried. Trip alarmed, Reed alert.
Talas: Why are you both in the mess hall when there's work to be done?
Reed: Experiment. We're seeing if the work does itself.

Mayweather: Hoshi, can we talk?
Sato: Um...
Mayweather: See, that time with the gas... I think....
Sato: Maybe we shouldn't....
Mayweather: You know what I mean?
Sato: It just seems....
Tucker: (Yeesh, somebody better fix this. They make me an' T'Pol look angst-free.)

Archer: So how did you get this mission? Drew the short antenna?
Shran: I volunteered. I've come to respect you, Archer. You're a straight-shooter.
Archer: A toast to mutual respect and non-betrayal.
Shran: Hear, hear!
Archer: Do you Andorians always cross your antennae when you're toasting?

T'Pol: Someone ordered an awkward Trip/T'Pol scene?
Tucker: Right this way.

Talas: I don't think you're taking me seriously.
Reed: Of course I am. Now pass me the isoprobic -- oh, I'm sorry. I mean the funny crescent-shaped thing.
Talas: I don't have to put up with this. I'm leaving.
Reed: No! Don't go. Just because I resent your interference doesn't mean I don't think you're hot.
Talas: All right, I'll stay. But treat me with respect.
Reed: Sure, baby, whatever you say.

Captain's Starlog: We've had no more anomaly trouble, thanks to the Andorians. Note to self: rub that in T'Pol's face.

Archer: Hmm. Four Xindi ships, and a series of damaged moons. Conclusions?
T'Pol: The moons beat up one of the Xindi ships, and now it's back with reinforcements.
Shran: Behold the power of Vulcan logic. My guess is that they're testing a new weapon.
Archer: There's only one way to find out for sure. How good an actor are you?
Shran: You have no idea.

Tucker: It would really help if we could borrow some of your advanced technology. For example, I hear you have a de-angster.
Shran: Indeed we do! It has a capacity of 400 angstroms. Speaking of which, I was sorry to hear about your sister.
Tucker: Geez, Jon's just tellin' everybody, isn't he?
Shran: It's part of his job. Haven't you noticed the "Ask me about our subplots" note on his Starfleet nametag?

Dolim: (over the comm) Test the weapon NOW! NOW! NO--
Degra: All right already. Keep your pants on.
Degra's First Officer: Sir! There's a ship approaching!
Degra: Shoot. Halt the weapon test and tell Dolim he can take his pants off after all.

Shran: Greetings! I'm from the Andorian National Kremlin of Lodestone Extracters.
Degra: (over the comm) You're the man from A.N.K.L.E.?
Shran: Yes. We've detected a valuable mineral called... (how's "Archerium"?)
Archer: (Too obvious!)
T'Pol: (Archer's right.)
Shran: (Gotcha.) ...Archerite. Mind if we conduct detailed, detailed scans?
Degra: Get out of here!
Shran: You got it! As soon as we're done our detailed, detailed scans.

Archer: That was easy. What do the scans show?
T'Pol: Their weapon must only be a small prototype. It isn't powerful enough to destroy anyone's mother-in-law's planet.
Archer: I've got it -- we'll steal it!
Shran: Why do you need to steal it if you've got it?

Reed: So you have a family history with the military too?
Talas: Definitely. My mother, Xhalax, is a big-shot general. A bit on the psychotic side, though.
Reed: Hee hee. Women in the army. You silly Andorians.
Talas: (glare)
Reed: Let's have sex.

Sato: Uh oh. They're testing the weapon.
Archer: On screen.
Weapon: BWEEEEEEE...POW
Moon: Son of a --! You dsokdpaches! I'm friggin' uninhabited!
Mayweather: This looks bad.

Ant Xindi: <That looked bad! You said the whole moon would be destroyed!>
Degra: (over the comm) I don't know what went wrong. Destroying moons is easy! They did it twice in Dragon Ball!
Dolim: No excuses! Fix the weapon!
Degra: Yes, sir.
Dolim: And go back to Star Wars references. At least I've seen that.

T'Pol: Apparently the weapon was overloading.
Archer: Of course! Gralik!
Shran: Captain?
Archer: I've been trying to remember what you use to repel vampires. It's Gralik! I'll have Chef put some in tonight's dinner.
T'Pol: I don't think I'll come to dinner tonight.
Archer: Anyway, Gralik was also a Sloth Xindi who helped us out by supplying insufficiently refined kemocite for the weapon.
Shran: How slothful of him.

Talas: It's too bad I'm not staying longer. I could really improve the efficiency of your phase cannons.
Reed: With your amazing engineer's touch?
Talas: You'd better believe it. I could get those phase cannons pumping out so much energy they'd --
Phlox: (over the comm) Stop it! STOP IT! I didn't set you two up. You're not allowed to have sexual tension!
Reed: Didn't I rig your communicator to explode?
Phlox: I switched it with Mr. Mayweather's.

T'Pol: We can't steal the weapon yet. It's emitting intense radiation.
Shran: No problem! My ship's invincible. It was bitten once by a radioactive Aibo.
Archer and T'Pol: (horrified glance)
Shran: I'll just go get that weapon for you.
Archer: Wait! Enterprise has to be part of this.
Shran: Okay, you can be the dying-of-radiation part. Just trust us.
Archer: Trust you? That sounds like something the XINDI would say!
Shran: Do you have a problem, pinkskin?
Archer: WE'RE NOT ALL FREAKIN' PINK!
T'Pol: You two need to cool down. Go sit on opposite sides of the room for a while and don't talk.
Archer and Shran: (grumble mutter grumble...)
T'Pol: I will assist you by reciting poetry.

Mayweather: You wanted to see me, Commander?
Tucker: Yep. Hang on a sec....
Sato: You wanted to see me, Co-- hey, what's Travis doing here?
Tucker: Perfect! Stand right there and hold still.
Mayweather: Whoa! What's tha--
(ZAP)
De-Angster: Angst removal complete.
Tucker: Nice. I'd blow the smoke off this thing, but I'm not sure where the muzzle is.

Archer: Fine. You can get the weapon. But I'm going to be on your ship.
Shran: Whatever it takes to shut her up.
T'Pol: I wasn't finished. "O bear up in the tree so high / why must you spit into the sky? / The eagles cry, 'Oh me, oh my!' / Three point one four one six is pi."

Andorian General: Do they suspect?
Shran: Not unless they're smarter than they look, and I seriously doubt that.
Andorian General: Good. Shran, if you pull this off, you'll earn 500 backstabbing points.
Shran: Sigh.
Andorian General: Come on, that's good news! You only need 750 more to make Sergeant!

Weapon: RADIATE RADIATE RADIATE...
Andorian Ship: YOINK!

Archer: Nice. Set a course for the rendezvous point.
Shran: We could do that. Or we could take this sucker back to Andoria.
Archer: What? You can't steal the weapon!
Shran: The weapon isn't the sucker I meant, but yes, we can.
Archer: You monster! Antennae? More like devil horns! (PUNCH)
Shran: Ow. Okay, you're not coming.

Archer: And then they dumped me in an escape pod and ran.
T'Pol: Can we follow them?
Archer: (sigh) Shran said he had Talas sabotage our sensors.
Reed: That's all right, sir -- I fixed them. I was watching her modifications closely.
T'Pol: Looked more like you were watching her closely.
Reed: I can multitask.

Shran: (over the comm) You! How did you find us?
Archer: Treacherous. Nice and treacherous. Now surrender the weapon or we'll blow it up!
Shran: What? How did you get the activation codes?
Archer: Sensor telemetry. Nice and sensor telemetry.

Shran: You wouldn't!
Archer: I would!
Shran: You wouldn't!
Archer: I would!
Reed: In fact, I already did.
Archer and Shran: You what?

(BOOM)

Captain's Starlog: Fortunately, Shran ejected the weapon just in time to save his ship. But he took a pretty satisfying amount of damage. Radioactive Aibo, my beagle.

T'Pol: We found an encoded message in the subspace interference as Shran's ship left.
Archer: Scans of the weapon! Sweet!
T'Pol: And a message....
Archer: "Don't feed him cheese"?
Reed: Oh. I think that's from Talas.

Mayweather: Sure is nice to have that angst gone.
Sato: Yep, guess we owe Trip one.
Mayweather: No more awkwardness about Phlox's stupid aphrodisiac gas.
Sato: You said it.
(pause)
Mayweather: You wanna go get a coffee?
Sato: It's a date.

Archer: Okay, you're free to go.
Phlox: Yeah, after everything's already over. This punishment was excessive.
Archer: You filled my ship with Love Potion No. 9! Do you have any idea how many pairings you started?
Phlox: Isn't it marvelous? Sickbay is now home to a litter of bat-Metroids!
Archer: This had just better be the end of your pimpin' antics.
Phlox: There's no need for more. I've now set the ball in motion all over the ship. And who shall stop it? WHO, I say?
Archer: Archer to Hoshi. Contact Dr. Who.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He used to do his own subplots like this all the time.