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The Trek Nation - Minefield

Minefield

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at April 2, 2003 - 1:13 AM GMT

See Also: 'Minefield' Episode Guide

Archer: Good morning, Malcolm.
Reed: Good... um... er... morning... uh... sir....
Archer: Care to sit down?
Reed: Um... certainly, sir. Right after I... er... run. AAAAAAAA!
Archer: And they say he's socially awkward.

Mayweather: Here's that suspicious planet our sensors picked up.
Archer: Take us into suspicious orbit. Any life signs?
T'Pol: No, just mines.
Archer: Life mines? That doesn't make any --
(BOOM)
T'Pol: Sense, sir?
Archer: Shut up. And leave the sensors out of this.

Reed: There's the mine we hit.
Archer: I don't see it... hey, have we passed through any thick woods lately? There's a burr on the hull.
Reed: Sir, that's --
Archer: Shhh! The way it hooks onto the hull is inspiring me... I've got it! I'll invent Velcro!
T'Pol: You have to stop living in last week, Captain.

Tucker: (over the comm) The damage is pretty bad, sir. We've already lost satellite reception on Decks 5 through 8.
Mayweather: Oh my God! I'll miss Married By America!
Archer: Trip, I just heard a compelling argument against ever fixing that problem. We'd better focus on the mine.
Reed: I can handle that, sir. Just give me an EVA suit and a false moustache.
Archer: Why the moustache?
Reed: I don't want the mine to see me coming.

T'Pol: I believe we can render the minefield visible with Mr. Daniels' De-Invisinator Cannon.
Mayweather: We kept that? Isn't that a little unsporting of us?
Archer: We're floating through the void in an unshielded dinghy, Travis -- I'd say that cancels out any cheating we do. Fire the cannon.
T'Pol: Uh oh... it's worse than I thought. There are about nine squazillion mines, and one of them is really, really big, with these two nasty rod things poking out the sides --
Archer: That's Enterprise.
T'Pol: Well, no wonder I'm detecting a bunch of idiots on board.

Reed: (over the comm) It's definitely a mine, sir.
Archer: So I hear. What are you going to do?
Reed: I have a plan, but I'll need some rocks.
Archer: This plan wouldn't happen to consist of you floating off to a safe distance and chucking rocks at the mine, would it?
Reed: I improve my target practice, I get to see a cool explosion -- everybody wins!
Archer: Not everybody, just you.
Reed: Everybody important.

Archer: We need a backup plan.
Tucker: We could always use Malcolm's if it came down to it.
Archer: No, we don't have the stones. I had this idea, though. Do you think it's possible, theoretically, for a starship to... "separate" into two pieces?
Tucker: I guess it could be done, but we're kind of all in one piece. We could probably ditch Reed's panel, though.
Archer: I approve. We'll call that Plan B.
Tucker: For "Backup"?
Archer: For "British guy dies, ha ha."

Mayweather: Uh oh -- a ship just decloaked!
Archer: Ahem.
Mayweather: I mean, um, de-invisinated.
Romulans: (over the comm) ZHOFRPH WR RXU PLQHILHOG! SOHDVH HQMRB BRXU VWDB!
Archer: I don't like the sound of that. Prepare to fire all weapons!
Mayweather: We're disabled. And firing all weapons is reserved for Vulcans.

Sato: Oof... why am I in Sickbay?
Phlox: You were injured, or so T'Pol said to tell you. She mostly just wanted you off the bridge.
Sato: I've got to get back up there!
Phlox: No no, better play along. She's got a sharp stick.

Mayweather: AAAAAA! They're firing!
Archer: Warning shots. It's settled: they're evil.
Romulans: (over the comm) SOHDVH HQMRB VRPH FRPSOLPHQWDUB HQHUJB, KRQRXUHG JXHVWV!
Archer: Can somebody bring their messages to Hoshi? Tell her to pick out the rude words so I can insult them back.

Reed: I'm about to start defusing the mine.
T'Pol: (over the comm) Sure you can do it?
Reed: Of course I can. I once won the Spears Medal, Starfleet's highest honour in the field of -- AAAAARRGH!
T'Pol: Of being speared by mines?
Reed: Shut up.

Archer: I'm going out there to help Malcolm. Travis, it's time for you to fly us safely through the mines like you did in Galaxy Quest.
Mayweather: That wasn't me.
Archer: Really? I would have sworn. I mean, the parallels!
T'Pol: You seem surprisingly unoffended, Ensign.
Mayweather: I'm used to it. Last week he thought I was Harry Kim.

Reed: Oh good, it's the captain. My troubles are over.
Archer: Hold still while I scan your leg.
Reed: How does it look?
Archer: Ooo... not good. You've got a spike through it.
Reed: I wish I could kick you.

Sato: Eureka! I think maybe I've almost got it.
T'Pol: Less decisive than I'd hoped... what do you have?
Sato: These aliens' language is ROT-3. It's closely related to ROT-13, the language those bumpy-headed aliens were speaking. Remember them?
Tucker: We've been ordered not to. Starfleet said something about protecting the timeline.
Sato: Oh, you're kidding me.
Tucker: No, but I could. Like this: those aliens should be speaking ROT-10! Get it? Rot-ten? ....OW!
T'Pol: And that is how the Vulcan nerve pinch is performed, Ensign Sato.
Sato: Thanks, I'll remember that.

Reed: You know, I think the pain's getting a little better.
Archer: As long as we're out here, why not tell me a little about your family history?
Reed: Pain's back.
Archer: Very good.

Tucker: Ohhh... what hit me?
T'Pol: The devastating awareness of your own inferiority. Ensign, have you made further progress?
Sato: I think they call themselves... Remans.
T'Pol: It's pronounced "Romulans."
Sato: No, I'm pretty sure it --
T'Pol: No, it isn't.

Archer: (over the comm) Romulans? You mean the censored-book guys?
T'Pol: Um... yeah. Anyway, they're evil and wrong and we should get out of here as soon as possible.
Archer: They sound like Vulcans. Heheheheh.
Tucker: Heheheheh.
T'Pol: Shut up!

Reed: We're doomed.
Archer: Actually, no thanks to your pessimism, I'm almost done defusing the mine. We'll be home in time for dinner. In fact --
Mine: Error. Arming secondary detonator. No further attempts to defuse this unit will be permitted. Sucker.
Reed: I take it dinner will be cold, sir?
Archer: Maybe a little.

Romulans: (over the comm) ZH HAWHQG WR BRX WKH KDQG RI IULHQGVKLS!
T'Pol: They're back. This can't be good.
Sato: You know, I think we might just be misinterpreting them....
T'Pol: Well, whose fault would that be? And who might we consequently have to hand over for punishment to patch up the situation?
Sato: Oh, those no-good Romulans... will their insults never end?

Archer: I have an idea about this spike. We can put a chip in it that stops it from attacking -- say, are you committing suicide?
Reed: Um... no?
Archer: You just let your air out into space.
Reed: Oh, that. I'm a strong supporter of the Free the Oxygen movement... all right, fine, I was committing suicide. Who wouldn't? My best hope of survival is you!
Archer: Never fear, Malcolm -- I won't let you down. Now hold still while I open your helmet to let in some more air.

T'Pol: (over the comm) Bad news, Captain.
Archer: Hi T'Pol. Hey, did you know humans can't breathe space air?
T'Pol: Space ai-- never mind. The Romulans are back.
Archer: Well, shouldn't we be out of the minefield by now?
T'Pol: We've been delayed due to... personal issues.
Mayweather: (over the comm) I'm not flying us anywhere until Mr. Tucker stops punching me in the arm.
Tucker: (over the comm) I'll stop punching you in the arm when you get us out of the minefield!
Archer: I see what you mean, Subcommander.

Reed: What the--? Am I still not dead?
Archer: I saved you. Looks like we'll be spending even more time together.
Reed: That answers that. I'm dead, and this is hell.
Archer: I've had quite enough of your opinions. On an unrelated topic, what's your opinion of how long the mine will take to explode when triggered?
Reed: Couldn't be more than ten se-- I mean, half an hour. Plenty of time for you to escape. Yessssss.

Tucker: You're back!
Archer: No time to lose, Trip -- get that separation thing started. And bring me two shuttlepod hull plates, or at least some really heavy cardboard.
T'Pol: Sounds risky.
Archer: We can't afford to play it safe. That's why I risked coming back on the ship without going through decon.
Phlox: (over the comm) It's so cute that you still think decon actually does something.

Romulans: SHUKDSV PRUH HQHUJB ZLOO FRQYLQFH BRX ZH PHDQ QR KDUP!
Tucker: They're firing! We gotta get outta here!
Mayweather: Does this mean you'll stop hitting me?
Tucker: Heheheheheh. No.

Reed: Sir, if I'm going to die, I want it to be with a clean conscience. I have some confessions to make.
Archer: We're not going to die, but by all means spill.
Reed: To begin with, I think you're a really bad captain. And I mean a really, REALLY bad captain.
Archer: You and 90% of the galaxy. What else?
Reed: I didn't win the Spears Medal for munitions expertise, I won it for pop karaoke.
Archer: Um... geez, look at the time! We'd better skip the rest of this excess information and get on with the plan.
Reed: But what about my penance?
Archer: We'll call it time served. By me.

Tucker: Ready to detach the hull plate. Shall I aim it at the Romulans?
T'Pol: (over the comm) Wait, wait. Isn't the captain still on it?
Tucker: Uh-huh.
T'Pol: Then yes.

Mine: Jon? What are you doing, Jon?
Archer: Try to calm down. I'm just slicing through your spike with a rusty hacksaw.
Mine: I'm sorry, Jon, I can't let you do that.
Archer: And why not?
Mine: Um... well... because it would be wrong to kill my spike. It has a soul.
Archer: A likely story.
Mine: Oh, you make me so mad I could just explode!
Archer: You do that. We'll be floating over there.

Mayweather: YES! We're through the minefield!
T'Pol: Congratulations, Ensign. You have beaten the odds.
Mayweather: That's not all I'm gonna beat. Just wait till I get my hands on that arm-slugging son of a blatch....
Tucker: (over the comm) Uh, T'Pol, can I take an extended leave of absence?

Captain's Starlog: And with that, no human never saw the Romulans again.

Reed: Thank you for saving my life, Captain. I've come to grudgingly respect your command style.
Archer: Well, I'm happy you've come around. Now all that's left is the small matter of decon.
Phlox: Oh, you needn't bother, sir. I'll make an exception in this case.
Archer: You're not worried we'll infect the crew with something?
Phlox: Compared to doing a scene of two men in the gel room, it's a risk I'm willing to take.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Bonus: The Top 10 Reasons We Haven't Seen the Romulans Since "Minefield"

  1. Last time they showed up, T'Pol kept asking them how her parents were doing
  2. Daniels has been making vague threats to the writers
  3. Before Kirk, Romulans were invisible
  4. Star Trek: Nemesis's box-office take
  5. Mayweather's going to strike if the Romulans get more lines this season than he does
  6. The costume department is out of shoulder padding
  7. Don't be silly -- it was Borg in Archer's time, not Romulans
  8. They're lurking in a certain controversial Trek BBS forum
  9. They're cloaked (ba-dum boom)
And the number one reason we haven't seen the Romulans since "Minefield"....
  1. We have seen them, we just couldn't tell they weren't Vulcans

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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over two years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. This one is the first of many delayed parodies which will be appearing in the very near future.