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The Trek Nation - Harbinger

Harbinger

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at June 3, 2004 - 4:02 AM GMT

Amanda Cole: Mmmm. This Vulcan neuropressure stuff is great.
Tucker: Ain't it? It's relaxing, it's healthy, it involves as few clothes as possible... all of which sounds familiar for some reason I can't quite place.
Cole: Maybe you need to decontaminate your mind. I'll help. (kiss)
Tucker: Whoa! I... you... what?
Cole: You're cute when you're befuddled. See you later.
Tucker: Guh?

Captain's Starlog: We're on course for Azati Prime. Our ETA is about three filler episodes.

Archer: Hayes wants to give the regular crew some training sessions with the MACOs. I think it's a good idea.
Reed: Heh heh heh. Hayes having a good idea. Very funny, sir!
Archer: I'm not joking.
(silence)
Reed: Well, I've always known I'd have to kill you eventually.

Phlox: T'Pol, Amanda Cole has been getting headaches lately. I think --
T'Pol: You're wrong. It has nothing to do with Trellium-D.
Phlox: That's not my theory.
T'Pol: Good. Because you could never prove it.
Phlox: ....Anyway, I think Trip's neuropressure sessions with her have gone awry.
T'Pol: (GASP) He's been pressuring some other girl behind my back?
Phlox: It's not necessarily a romantic thing. I think it's just peer pressure.

Hayes: Sir, I've looked at your proposed schedule for the training sessions...
Reed: Do you have some objection?
Hayes: You didn't schedule any. All you did was scrawl "RACHE" over a blank timetable. In blood.
Reed: It's German for "revenge."
Hayes: I'm sure we can find a compromise. How about Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Reed: Sure, let me write that down. "Revenge... on Tuesdays... and Thursdays."

Mayweather: That's one biiig anomaly. And there's an escape pod or something trapped inside.
Archer: Hail it.
Sato: No response.
Archer: Hey, wait a minute! When did I say you could put your consoles together?
Mayweather: Um, we can explain....
T'Pol: Unnecessary. Captain, Ensigns Mayweather and Sato are clearly in the "cutesy" stage of their relationship.
Archer: Well, I have a seating arrangement here for a reason. If I let everyone sit with their friends, we'd never get anything done.
Sato: (I told you he'd notice that our voices were coming from the same direction.)
Mayweather: (Okay, okay. But this is definitely the first time anyone's lost money underestimating him.)

Archer: Let's save that pod. Fire the grappler!
(GRAPPLE)
T'Pol: The ship is clear of the anomaly. However, its structural integrity is now staggeringly low.
Archer: What? How did that happen?
Reed: Oh, didn't I tell you I made the grappler a weapon?

Archer: Well, here it is. Open the pod door, Mal.
Reed: I'm sorry, sir, I can't do that.
Archer: Fine, I'll open it myself. Hey, a weird alien!
Phlox: This is so nostalgic. It feels like "Oasis" again.

Sphere-Builder: What the--? Where the--? Who the--?
Archer: Hi, we're humans. We saved you.
Sphere-Builder: Saved me? Saved me? SAVED me? You dsokdpachs! You sons of blatches!
Phlox: You'd think he'd show a little more gratitude.
Sphere-Builder: Gratitude? Gratitude? GRATI--
Archer: Okay, I'll be on the bridge till he calms down. -- Of natural causes.
Phlox: Aw.

Mayweather: We can get around the anomaly, but it'll take some time to figure out how.
Archer: What's to figure out? Going around something is pretty simple, isn't it?
Mayweather: I've just forgotten how to fly the ship. I've been distracted lately.
Archer: I see. You know, relationships between colleagues are complicated. I don't encourage them. Anyway, T'Pol, go inspect the pod with Trip.
T'Pol: That's like saying you don't encourage Italian food and then ordering a pizza.

Hayes: Welcome, weak and unenlightened senior officers. For your first lesson, we'll do some sparring in pairs.
Reed: I choose you as my partner and a poisoned lightsabre as my weapon.
Hayes: I'm picking the pairs. Okay, Mayweather and Goosefood... T'Pol and Some MACO... Tucker and Cole....
T'Pol: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Hayes: On second thought, I don't think I'm going to risk any of my men on T'Pol. Hoshi can fight her.

Sato: Owwwww... I can't believe you did that...
T'Pol: I apologize. It would not have happened if Officer Cole had not complimented Trip so loudly on his "nice thrust."
Sato: No, I mean I can't believe you were able to beat me up.
T'Pol: I am a Vulcan. I possess superior strength.
Sato: Well, this is certainly the first I've seen of it.

Hayes: Now for a demonstration bout between Mayweather and a burly MACO.
Burly MACO: (punch) (block) (punch)
Mayweather: (block) (punch) (block)
Burly MACO: (punch) (block) CHEAP SHOT!
Mayweather: Owwwww!
Archer: What was that a demonstration of, exactly?
Hayes: The inherent superiority of MACOs to the rest of you.
Archer: I wish you had let us pick our own representative.

Reed: That was completely out of line!
Hayes: Don't be silly. I would never tell a MACO to be extra-rough on one of your officers to make a point and leave any evidence that I'd done so.
Reed: I'm watching you, Hayes. I'm watching you like Hawkins over there. And you will slip up soon.
Tucker: (offscreen) Ow! Hey, who left banana peels on all the floors?
Reed: Very, very soon.

T'Pol: Your fraternization with Officer Cole is appalling.
Tucker: Who's fraternizin'? She's a girl.
T'Pol: Don't try to win me over with etymology! Take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river!
Tucker: You seem a little strange lately.
T'Pol: No Trellium-D is involved.

Archer: Found out anything about that pod?
T'Pol: I got as far as noticing that the materials that compose it are similar to those in the spheres before I had to insult Trip some more.
Archer: Hmm. Similar to the spheres, eh? Do you think the alien in sickbay might be one of these "sphere-builders" the Triannons worshipped?
T'Pol: Given his speaker credit, it would not surprise me. Now leave me to my vituperations.

Archer: Phlox, we need to wake the -- what are you two doing here?
Sato: We were both injured in that training session, remember?
Archer: That doesn't mean you can just stay in Sickbay all day drinking milkshakes with two straws like some Archie comic.
Mayweather: Well, people kept telling us to get a room. So we got Sickbay.
Archer: (sigh) Whatever. Where's Phlox?
Phlox: Oh, hello, Captain. I was just monitoring my hidden cameras. I've got a feeling about this episode.

T'Pol: Welcome, so to speak. Before we begin, did Dr. Phlox give you anything for your headache?
Cole: He said it was an Advil, but then it started singing to me.
T'Pol: Let me see the container... "Made in Napanee." This is an Avril.
Cole: I was wondering why a pill would be wearing a tie.
T'Pol: Phlox makes these mistakes often. So does Mr. Tucker -- as you have learned, an amateur can make neuropressure very painful.
Cole: So you're going to fix it, ri-- AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
T'Pol: But nowhere near as painful as an expert can make it.

Hayes: Who's next for target practice? You can't do worse than Reed did.
Archer: He might have done better if he hadn't had his blast shield down.
Reed: I don't understand it! I was trying to reach out with my mind!
T'Pol: You might as well have tried to reach out with Dr. Phlox's sense of decency.
Archer: You're just full of these apt comparisons today, aren't you?

Reed: I'm tired of grousing about Hayes. How are you and Amanda Cole doing?
Tucker: We're just friends.
Reed: Pfft. Just friends like Ryan and Marissa.
Tucker: See, that's the reaction I keep getting from T'Pol. She's being all weird and cold about it.
Reed: Cold, eh? Cold like winter? As in a Hayesy shade of winter? Dammit, now I'm mad again! Nice going!

Archer: Ready to tell me where you come from yet?
Sphere-Builder: Fool. I am from transdimensional space.
Archer: What the -- I've never heard of that! Does it have to do with time travel? Is the future responsible for this?
Sphere-Builder: Don't be ridiculous.
Archer: Oh. Well, if you're such a normal, non-futuristic guy, why were you mad that we rescued you?
Sphere-Builder: Ha! "Rescued"! You might as well have rescued a fish from water! A Rigellian from Rigel! A Rygel from Hyneria!
Phlox: He has a point, sir. Remember how well it went when we rescued the space bees from space?
Sphere-Builder: And now I'm dissolving! Thanks a lot, rescuers!
Archer: If this is what I get for helping a ship in distress, maybe I'll just steal the next one's warp coil.

Captain's Starlog: We've gotten past the anomaly and resumed course. No, Travis didn't remember how. I had to listen to the Foo Fighters' "Learn to Fly" on repeat for a while.

Tucker: Mmmm, properly-applied neuropressure. I'm such a hack.
T'Pol: It is time I told you something. Sim told me he loved me.
Tucker: Whoa. How do you feel about that?
T'Pol: Perhaps the sound of my robe dropping to the floor will answer your question.
Tucker: I don't get it. Is it subtle or -- MMMPH!
Unresolved Sexual Tension: GAK!

Phlox: Yes! YES! I knew it! Hahahaha! Record, my pretties, record!
Sphere-Builder: This seems as good an opportunity to knock you out and escape as any.
Phlox: Sure, just a sec... there, I've got it on auto-record. Knock yourself out.
Sphere-Builder: I --
Phlox: You know what I mean.

Reed: It's time I told you something. I resent you because I think you're after my job.
Hayes: What kind of half-Witwer do you take me for?
Reed: Perhaps the sound of my fist hitting your face will answer your question.
Hayes: I don't get it. Is it subtle or -- OW!
Unresolved Physical Tension: GAK!

Archer: Tactical alert! Everyone stop what you're doing and get that alien before he destroys the ship!
Tucker, T'Pol, Reed, Hayes, Mayweather, and Sato: (over the comm) Um, this is a really bad time....
Archer: Too bad. Wait a sec -- Hoshi, why is it a bad time for you and Travis?
Sato: We're holding hands and calling each other "snoogy-woogums."
Archer: If this cutesy phase doesn't stop real fast, I'm going to need an Avril myself.

Tucker: Ow!
Sphere-Builder: That's what you get for getting lucky. Now to destroy your true love -- the warp core!
Hayes: I guess we'll have to work together to stop him.
Reed: Good thinking. Hold still.
Hayes: Why? Hey, put me down! Whoaaaaaaaa!
(WHAM)
Sphere-Builder: Ouch....
Reed: I always knew you'd make a good projectile weapon, Hayes. I think I'll work on applying the principle to a Hayes pistol.

T'Pol: Good morning after, Commander. I trust you are feeling Platonic; I certainly am.
Tucker: What? We can't just forget last night happened!
T'Pol: You're right. Now that I think of it, there was something else important in that conversation with Sim. I made him a promise.
Tucker: An' what promise would that -- SHEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGH!
T'Pol: I suggest you see Dr. Phlox. Crotches are among his specialties.

Archer: A detached retina... a bruised kidney... a perforated appendix....
Hayes: We know the injuries we inflicted on each other, sir.
Archer: Good. Now scratch them off the list of all possible injuries. What's left is what I'll do to both of you if this happens again.
Reed: Understood, sir.
Archer: You'd better. I'll be watching you, and if you slip --
Hayes: (How quickly do you think we can pick up all those banana peels?)
Reed: (Between my security team and your MACOs? A week. We're talking a lot of peels here.)

Phlox: He's dying, Captain. If you have anything to ask him, now's the time.
Archer: All right. Sphere-builder, if you really built the spheres, answer me this one question --
Sphere-Builder: (sigh) They have nothing to do with water polo.
Archer: NOOOOO!
(The sphere-builder dissolves at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He thinks it's ironic that The Episode That Killed Subtlety Dead had such a cool subtle title.