Fight or FlightBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at October 5, 2001 - 9:49 PM GMT
See Also: 'Fight or Flight' Episode Guide
Five-Minute "Fight or Flight"
Sato: I'm worried about my undereating dog, Sluggo.
Phlox: Same with my undereating bat, Nancy. They make a comic couple, don't you think?
Sato: My name isn't Nancy.
Phlox: No, what I meant was -- HEY! Wait a minute!
Archer: This mission sucks. We need to find some aliens.
T'Pol: Hello? I'm standing right here.
Archer: I mean aliens I can shoot.
Sato: I want to get quarters with stars that go the other way.
Archer: There's a simpler solution. Archer to Mayweather: turn us around so the ship is facing backwards.
Mayweather: (over the comm) Sir, our maximum speed in reverse is Warp 1/5.
Archer: A small price to pay for Hoshi's peace of mind.
Reed: We'll have to test these torpedoes...I can't seem to get them targeting properly.
Mayweather: That's not how I remember last episode. Didn't we have lots of lasers and do all kinds of damage?
Reed: Never happened. It's your imagination, kid.
Archer: Okay, Reed -- blow up that asteroid.
Reed: Oops. I missed.
Archer: Fire another one.
Reed: Oops. Missed again.
Archer: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were putting me on....
Reed: The only thing I'm putting you on is a pedastal of respect, sir.
Archer: You're promoted.
Phlox: There's a fine line between observing humanity and voyeurism. I plan to cross it as often as possible.
Tucker: Easy enough -- just stick a camera in the decon room.
T'Pol: I'm detecting a strange alien ship.
Archer: Strange? Looks to me like a redressed Cardassian freighter.
Reed: That'll go nicely with our redressed Cardassian.
Phlox: (over the comm) Quiet, you.
Archer: Funny...they're not responding.
T'Pol: Maybe they don't like you.
Archer: What? How could anyone not like a guy as cool as me?
Reed: Perhaps they don't realize how cool you are. You should board their ship and show them in person.
Archer: Good thinking! You're promoted.
Tucker: I want to come on the mission!
Sato: I want to not come on the mission!
Archer: You two should either switch jobs or shut up.
Enterprise Starlog: Record. Pause. Record. Pause. Record. Pause.
Computer: Will you cut that out?
Reed: We should make sure we've got everything. Phase pistols: check. Explosives: check. Molotov cocktails: check. Noisy Cricket: check.
Sato: Extreme nervousness: check.
Archer: Pants: che...oh. Um, I'll be back in a minute.
Archer: Uh oh -- our entry is blocked by some sort of entry-blocking contraption.
Reed: That would be a door. Here, I'll blow it up.
Archer: No no, I can figure it out. I've used doorknobs before.
Sato: You'd think these aliens could develop self-opening doors. Then again, we haven't....
Reed: Hmmm...blood on the wall. No sweat or tears, though.
Archer: What is it, Hoshi? Are you shocked at the grim sight of corpses hanging from the ceiling with their fluids being drained?
Sato: What corpses? I screamed at Reed's joke! I've never heard one so bad!
Reed: Looks like Hoshi's providing the sweat and tears.
Archer: Don't make this any worse than it is.
Phlox: Good...none of you are contaminated.
Reed: Ahem. Remember?
Phlox: Oh yeah! My mistake: Malcolm and Hoshi will have to go apply some decon gel to each other. Be extra-thorough, you two.
Archer: That was some smart planning, Reed. You're promoted.
T'Pol: We'd better take flight in case the bad guys return.
Archer: Are you out of your Vulcan mind? We should stay and fight!
T'Pol: Aw, your mother --
Tucker: Guys, guys! There's an easy compromise: we take flight for a while, then come back and fight.
Archer: "Fight and flight"...I like the sound of that.
Sato: You know, I could use a character-growth-providing discussion.
Phlox: Don't look at me -- I'm watching the tapes of you and Reed in decon. OW!
Archer: That does it! I'm turning the ship around, and I'm going to blame you two for my original decision to leave!
T'Pol: Has he forgotten that "compromise" discussion already?
Tucker: Yeah, but who cares? He's doing the same stuff.
Archer: Okay, this time I'm bringing Tucker and Phlox instead of Reed. No offense to Reed, I just don't want him near Sato again.
Reed: That's okay. I bow to your wisdom and sophistication.
Archer: You're promoted. T'Pol, you'll be in command; make sure everyone has an updated will handy in case the bad guys show up.
T'Pol: I'm getting tired of hearing "bad guys"...for lack of a better term, why don't we call them Vidiians?
Archer: What does that mean?
T'Pol: It's Vulcan for "ripoff."
Archer: So what are these, er, Vidiians planning to do with the bodily fluids?
Phlox: Same thing I'd do -- use them for NC-17 purposes.
Archer: You know, there aren't enough Xs in your name.
Phloxxx: That can change if you want. I'm flexxxible.
Sato: I've got to master this bizarre alien language quickly....
Tucker: Good idea -- there's a chance that more of them will show up and everything will hinge on you.
Sato: More than just a chance, honey. Whose character-development episode has this been?
T'Pol: The Vidiians are coming! Get back on the ship!
Archer: (over the comm) Our ship or the enemy ship?
Mayweather: Oh my God! She just choked on all the sarcastic replies that were trying to get through her windpipe at the same time!
Archer: We'll have to kill that ship. Fire all weapons.
Reed: All we have are two torpedoes, and I just missed with both.
Archer: Oh well. You're promoted for trying.
Mayweather: Reed lies -- we have all kinds of lasers and stuff! I'm telling you, I saw it! It's real! You cannot destroy an idea! I created it and it's REEEEEEEEAL!
Archer: Do not go Benny Russell on me.
Mayweather: Well, it is the fifties, sir.
Reed: Sir, another redressed Cardassian ship just arrived!
Archer: Sato, you'll have to talk to them.
Sato: But -- but why me?
Archer: Process of elimination. T'Pol's still unconscious, Mayweather's raving, Phlox is watching that video again, Trip and Reed have accents, and I only speak American.
Sato: Sigh...okay, I'll save everybody's lives. But there is a price to pay. I will not be there to help you when you go to Z'ha'dum.
Archer: The hell?
Sato: You do not understand. But you will.
Reed: Hey, I think I've conveniently got the torpedoes working.
Archer: Fire at will, and consider yourself promoted!
Reed: Actually, you can't promote me any farther. I'm the same rank as you by now.
Archer: Then consider yourself demoted to Cadet and then promoted.
Enterprise Starlog: We made first contact with the Talaxians or whatever. Sadly, that means we're at peace, so I can't blow them up.
Sato: Well, Sluggo, you're freelance now. Good luck surviving on...er, what was the planet called again?
Phlox: "Saltworld," I believe.
Sato: Oh, good. The perfect place for a slug.
(Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
(Note: The BBS comment thread for this fiver seems to be failing to exist. Probably just a software glitch; I've contacted Christian about it, and I'm sure he'll get it fixed, but till then there's no feedback thread. If you've got a comment -- kudos or flames -- feel free to drop me a line.)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Although his parodies are stored in the Trek Nation's review section, they do not indicate his opinion of the actual episodes, except when they do.