Archer: That Xindi database from last week (See? We have continuity. See?) gave the location of a planet they visited.
T'Pol: Well, let's take Enterprise there.
Archer: Oh yeah, I've been meaning to mention something: we're not supposed to call the ship just Enterprise anymore. Starfleet's changed our name to "U. S. S. Enterprise."
T'Pol: A typical absurd human idea. And why did it take you six weeks to remember that?
Archer: Well... ya know.
Reed: The planet seems uninhabited. Shall I destroy it?
Archer: Hmm....
T'Pol: You know you're not supposed to take advice from Mr. Reed, Captain. Besides, I've found the wreckage of the Xindi ship.
Archer: Oh, good. Let's go take a look. Reed, Hoshi, come along.
Sato: Why me?
Archer: Because there may be corpses.
Reed: Hmm... looks like it's a forest planet. And we haven't suffocated, so there's probably breathable air.
T'Pol: I still don't understand why we're not allowed to check that in advance.
Archer: There's the Xindi ship. Any life signs?
Sato: Just a couple of lizards and their kids.
Archer: Oh, there's lizard Xindi now?
T'Pol: Whoaaaaaa. I'm either mutating or really stoned. But Vulcans have outlawed stoning, so I must be mutating. Good old logic.
Archer: Mutating? That's ridiculoog.
T'Pol: Sir?
Primate Archer: Oog. Oog oog? Oog!
T'Pol: Oh, this can't be good.
Mayweather: Being in command is cool. I get to not say stuff in a nicer chair.
T'Pol: (over the comm) Help! Help! I'm being attacked by mutants!
Mayweather: Hey, that's correct! You just won my "guess the name of tonight's movie" contest.
T'Pol: No, you fool, I need help! I -- (KLONK)
Mayweather: Sure, things look grim for the Subcommander now. But if she survives she gets a Kit Kat bar for winning the contest.
Primate Sato: We should be killing the strange woman, not just tying her up.
Primate Archer: Not now! We have bigger things to worry about. Like where the heck we learned to tie knots.
Primate Sato: Great, now she's waking up and we have to start talking caveman again.
T'Pol: Wh... where am I?
Primate Sato: Oog.
T'Pol: That's what I figured.
Phlox: Fascinating. The crew's life signs have turned alien.
Tucker: I can think of a bunch of possible reasons for that, but they're all best solved by a MACO squad with big weapons. Travis, I'll leave you in command of Enterprise.
Mayweather: Sir....
Tucker: U. S. S. Enterprise. Whatever.
T'Pol: This is a waste of time. We've got to get back to the ship as soon as possible to infect the crew.
Reed (Primate): Oog oog oog.
T'Pol: Let me at least use my Universal Translator....
Reed (Primate): I like rocks.
T'Pol: Hmmmm. It appears the mutation leaves basic personality unchanged.
Primate Archer: Come! We must find Urquat.
T'Pol: Uthat? I think it's on Risa.
Primate Archer: No, Urquat! The legendary city of hey, you're kind of hot.
Primate Sato: Bad! Bad Caveman Archer!
Primate Reed: Should we be inferring anything from Hoshi's apparent jealousy?
T'Pol: It's best not to think about it.
Primate Archer: Next there's a whole thing where we fight over an egg. It's pointless, so let's move on.
Tucker: Hi, we're here to save you. Hence the weaponry.
Primate Reed: Holy oog, look at those things! Can I have one?
Tucker: Sure. Come closer and I'll hand you one.
Primate Reed: Boy oh boy! I'm gonna have a -- ow.
Tucker: Nuts, the others got away. Let's just get Reed back to U. S. S. Enterprise to... do I have to keep calling it that?
Mayweather: (over the comm) Yup.
Primate Archer: We must keep looking for Urquat!
T'Pol: Are you sure? You don't have a great track record so far when it comes to obsessive quests.
Primate Sato: Don't listen to her!
Primate Archer: Don't worry, I won't. I'm too busy picturing her naked.
T'Pol: Phlox would be so proud of you right now.
Phlox: I must say, I've never seen Mr. Reed so desperate to get out of decon.
Tucker: Can you cure him?
Phlox: Oh, easily. I'll just arrange for one or two of the female crewmen to get "contaminated" --
Tucker: Of his mutation!
Phlox: Ah. No, I'll need a bit longer.
Tucker: But what'll I do while I'm waiting?
Mayweather: (over the comm) Sir, some hostile aliens just entered the sector.
Tucker: Never mind, that'll do.
Primate Archer: Wow! I just had the greatest dream about Urquat. It's a big Aztec-like city.
T'Pol: Captain, you have to believe me -- there are no cities on this planet. We destroyed them all from orbit.
Primate Archer: Pfft.
T'Pol: Also, you talked about your dream before breakfast, so it won't come true.
Primate Sato: What kind of superstitious savages do you take us for?
Quarantine Commander: (over the comm) Leave our diseased planet immediately!
Tucker: Hold it, lemme explain. I'm Commander Charles Tucker of the Starfleet ship... U. S. S... aw, this is stupid!
Mayweather: Sir?
Tucker: The new rule! Why should we stick a U. S. S. at the start? Is it supposed to make us more legitimate somehow? Everybody already thinks Starfleet when they hear Enterprise!
Mayweather: Sir, calm d--
Tucker: Or quality? Is it supposed to make us a better ship? We were a perfectly good ship before, and a name wouldn't affect that anyway!
Mayweather: I think you'd better go lie down, sir. I'll handle this. Mr. Alien, this is U. S. S. Enterprise, and I'm Grand Admiral Mayweather.
Primate Archer: Goin' down to Urquat, gonna have myself a time....
Primate Sato: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation....
Primate Archer: Goin' down to Urquat, gonna leave my woes behind....
T'Pol: I refuse to participate in your ridiculous walking song.
Primate Archer: Headin' on up to Urquat, gonna see if I can't unwind....
T'Pol: (mumble mumble)
Quarantine Commander: The Loque'eque lost the ability to reproduce, so they began turning others into their species.
Tucker: That's downright mean, and probably unsanitary. What happened to them?
Commander: Last we saw, they were heading off in the general direction of the Delta Quadrant. Ever since then, my people have quarantined this planet, warning ships of the danger shortly after they're exposed to it.
Tucker: Wouldn't before work better?
Commander: I'm tired of you and your idiot questions! Where is your lord and master, the Travis?
Tucker: I relieved him. That chair was goin' to his head.
Primate Archer: See? I told you we'd find Urqu-- NOOOO! These are just empty ruins!
T'Pol: Looks like you won't be unwinding after all.
Primate Archer: Screw you! I'm going --
Quarantine Agent: We interrupt this discussion to bring you flaming death.
Primate Archer and T'Pol: Uh oh.
Phlox: Hello, Commander. How's your s--
Tucker: Enough about the damn sex life! Have you cured Malcolm yet?
Phlox: I need T'Pol's DNA first. I'm a little fuzzy on what DNA is, but I don't think I can get it from her hairbrush or a blood sample or any of the hundreds of times I've scanned her.
Tucker: What about a peach she's bitten?
Phlox: That could work.
Primate Archer: ...and furthermore, WHAM.
Quarantine Agent: Oh no! You tore my containment suit! Now the others will fire me!
T'Pol: And for that pun, you'll deserve it.
Tucker: Are you guys okay?
T'Pol: Indeed. Captain Archer knocked out the attackers, and I knocked him out for coming on to me.
Tucker: What about Hoshi?
T'Pol: Her I knocked out just on principle.
Mayweather: The aliens are catching up! Where did they get a Warp 5 engine?
Commander: (over the comm) We saw yours and we're really quick studies. Prepare to be destroyed.
Tucker: Wait! We have proof that the disease is curable! See Captain Archer here?
Archer: He's oog. I mean oog's right. I oog he's oog. Oog!
Commander: Oh wow, you've sure found a miracle cure.
Tucker: Better than you could do.
Captain's Starloog: Hoshi and I are now fully cured. I'm not so sure about Reed; the rock-based phase cannon he wants to build seems pretty dubious.
Phlox: Here's the last of the Loque'eque's virus. Shall I destroy it?
Archer: Who are we to end their race for good? All they wanted was to survive at the expense of others.
Phlox: I'm torn. On the one hand, you make a good moral point. On the other, I hate morality.
Archer: Well, I'm not letting you destroy this species. Maybe the next one.
Phlox: Aw.
Archer: Thanks for taking care of Enterprise, Trip.
Tucker: Sigh... don't you mean U. S. S. Enterprise?
Archer: No, I've decided not to enforce that. We're all just going to call it Enterprise anyway.
Tucker: Glad you think so. In fact, how 'bout we make it even shorter and call it Enty?
Archer: No.
Tucker: Entei?
Archer: No.
Tucker: Entmoot?
Archer: No....
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Oog oog oog oog oog, oog oog.
