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The Trek Nation - E²

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 18, 2004 - 8:00 PM GMT

(This fiver is the start of Enterprise Week at Five-Minute Voyager, in support of the Save Enterprise campaigns.)

Lorian: We were... too late.
Old T'Pol: No kidding. How many fivers have we missed now, ten?
Lorian: I mean too late to stop the Xindi probe.
Old T'Pol: Ah. Well, don't worry about it. It's not like you had your whole life to plan for this moment.
Lorian: You're going to give me a hard time about this, aren't you?
Old T'Pol: No -- we're going to find Jonathan Archer. He's better at that than I am.

Tucker: I'm worried about you. You've been hard to find lately.
T'Pol: I am pleased to hear that my new camouflage catsuit is working.
Tucker: Is something upsetting you?
T'Pol: No. And if there were, you couldn't help with it. And if you could help with it, I wouldn't want you to. And if I wanted you to, my sanity would be in question.
Tucker: Very thorough.

T'Pol: The corridor Degra told us about contains several angry alien ships.
Archer: I don't think we'll like them when they're angry. Mr. Reed, can we destroy them?
Reed: With or without getting destroyed ourselves?
Archer: Either's good.

Sloth Xindi: This is insane! We're turning against our own semi-people, with no basis except evidence!
Degra: Archer deserves the chance to make his case to the Council.
Sloth Xindi: Come on, this is Archer we're talking about. He couldn't convince a photon to have wavelike properties.
Degra: Stop that. I'm the physicist around here.

Archer: All hands: are we ready to enter the corridor?
Crew: (over the comm) Yes.
Archer: I can't hear you! Are we ready to enter the corridor?
Crew: YEAH!
Archer: That's the spirit. Travis, full speed a--
Sato: Sir, there's another starship coming in... it's the Enterprise!
Archer: Are we ready to hail them? Are we ready to --
Sato: I hate you.

Lorian: (over the comm) Captain Archer, I am Lorian.
Archer: Who are you? What do you want?
Lorian: We can talk later. Right now I need you to not enter that corridor.
Archer: But we want to enter the corridor.
Lorian: In case you haven't noticed, Captain, I outrank you. Now do it! ...Er, don't do it.
Archer: You don't outrank me.
Lorian: Do so. Seniority.

Archer: Welcome to our ship. Now explain yourself or I'm stapling your face to the hull.
Lorian: I always wondered how long we've had that policy. You see, Captain, my ship is your ship, many years later.
Archer: Hey, that involves time travel. What would the Vulcan Science Directorate say?
T'Pol: Stop mocking me. Mr. Lorian, how did the ship get sent back in time?
Lorian: Funny story, that....

Archer: Whew! We made it through the corridor and waaaait a sec. We're never filmed this bright.
Reed: Uh oh. This must be a flashback.
Mayweather: Sir? According to the position of the stars, we're 70 000 years from where we started.
Archer: WHAT?
Mayweather: Just messin' with ya. It's actually 117 years.
Archer: WHAT?
Mayweather: Oh, I guess that's still bad.

Lorian: We couldn't continue the mission or return to Earth, so we just sort of meandered for 117 years. You were captain until you died, then I took over.
Archer: Why didn't T'Pol?
Lorian: No one would let her near the big chair after Daniels gave us that tape of "Twilight." I've tried to be the kind of captain you'd want me to be....
Archer: Let's find out. Xindi!
Lorian: Xindi? (WHAM) Ow....
Archer: Looks like you've done me proud.

Phlox: Their story checks out, Captain. That Karyn Archer person has DNA from you, several of the crew, and a couple of weird alien species.
Archer: I guess I had an interesting sex life.
Phlox: I knew my coaching would get you there eventually. And get this. Lorian is the son of Vegeta and Bulma!
Archer: You mean T'Pol and Trip?
Phlox: Right, right. It was the sword that confused me.
Lorian: I carry this strictly for personal protection. It's my Second Amendment right.
T'Pol: I see another of our crew has left a legacy behind.

Captain's Starlog: Rather than enter the corridor, we're going to try something our descendants came up with to make the ship faster. I'm sure we won't get in any trouble we can't fix with magical clones.

Tucker: So, was I a good father?
Lorian: You died of pecan poisoning when I was 14. I know it must be hard for you to accept....
Tucker: I can handle having a short life if it's full of gettin' frisky with T'Pol.
Lorian: Ew. That's my wrinkly old mom you're talking about.

Archer: Whoa! You're wrinkly and old!
Old T'Pol: Good to see you too. It's been so long....
Archer: No it hasn't. I saw you 20 minutes ago before I left the ship.
Old T'Pol: I remember. You talked about the latest water polo scores.
Archer: Wow, good memory. Do you remember what the scores were?
Old T'Pol: (sigh) I didn't care then, and I don't care now.

Mayweather: And then I end up marrying a hot MACO! It's like one of my fanfic stories and it really happened!
Sato: My future's pretty good too. I finally learn enough languages to evolve into a higher being and leave all you schmoes in the dust. How about you, Lieutenant?
Reed: I never get married. I don't understand it.
Sato: Don't worry. That doesn't mean you didn't have any relationships with women. It just means they threw you out like a used paper towel when they were done.

Archer: Come in, Lorian. I just talked with your mother, and she told me something very interesting.
Lorian: Why are you holding a stapler?
Archer: No reason. Here, lean against this section of hull.

Lorian: You told him! Why are you always telling on me to my friends?
Old T'Pol: He deserved to know your plan might get him killed.
Lorian: But the old plan gets him sent back in time! And then he'll never make the meeting with Degra!
Old T'Pol: All right, I admit it. I just don't like you much. You remind me of Trip.

Lorian: Enterprise won't make it to Degra now, so we'll go instead. To do that, we'll have to attack them and steal part of their warp core.
Karyn: Wouldn't that be wrong?
Lorian: No, it's payback for the time they did it themselves.
Karyn: Oh, to those aliens from two episodes ago?
Lorian: To us 117 years ago. I love cause and effect.

Tucker: So. You an' me.
T'Pol: All it proves is that our future selves are insane.
Tucker: That's not true. I really care about you.
T'Pol: We simply had sexual relations. Your immaturity is appalling.
Tucker: ...Wait, I'm immature for wanting an emotional relationship, not just a physical one?
T'Pol: Precisely. A mature man would have left in the middle of the night and never returned my calls.

Tucker: Stupid Vulcans. I... hey! Are you stealing our warp plasma injectors?
Lorian: We're just borrowing them forever.
Tucker: Put it down! Come on, you're my son. I know I taught you to be reasonable and --
(ZAP)
Lorian: Uncle Reed also taught me a thing or two.

Karyn: Did you get the plasma injectors?
Lorian: They're on board. Commence Operation Fair Play!
Karyn: Aye, sir. Turning us about.

Sato: Captain, the other Enterprise is powering weapons!
Mayweather: Uh oh. How well-armed are they?
Archer: According to Lorian, certain people spent their lives equipping every square millimeter of hull with 50 torpedoes!
Reed: Come on, sir, I ended up leading a lonely life. I didn't have a wife and children I could arm with torpedoes.

Enterprise: ZAP ZAP ZAP
Future Enterprise: ZERPOW ZERPOW ZERPOW
Porthos: Ruff! Ruffruffruff!
Sato: What's with him?
Archer: He knows there's a dogfight going on.

Tactical Officer: Yes! We've taken out their hull plating!
(SIZZLE)
Lorian: What was that?
Karyn: Our hull plating. You just destroyed its past self.
Lorian: I don't like cause and effect as much anymore. Okay, I guess we'd better ram them.
Karyn: What? Are you really willing to kill all those innocent people?
Lorian: Jonathan Archer gave me the "We're saving Earth" excuse and taught me how to use it.

T'Pol: (over the comm) Guess what? We've beamed some of your warp core aboard.
Lorian: Arrgh! I forgot you had transporter technology! If only we did too!
Karyn: Something seems odd about this.
Lorian: Quiet, I'm busy surrendering.

Archer: So... you betrayed us, attacked us, and stole stuff from us. What do you have to say for yourself?
Lorian: We're saving Earth.
Archer: But you attacked us, and we're saving Earth.
Lorian: We're saving Earth.
Archer: We're saving Earth.
(4 hours later)
Lorian: We are SAving EaRTH.
Archer: I think I'm out of counters. Okay, you can help us with our plan.

Old T'Pol: Welcome. I think you'll find I haven't changed much from the person you know.
T'Pol: There is a "Beef: It's What's For Dinner" sign on your wall.
Old T'Pol: I've changed a little. In particular, I want to talk to you about Trip.
T'Pol: Oh, here it comes. The Trip trip.
Old T'Pol: Have you read any of the 940 Voyager fanfics in which Admiral Janeway urges Captain Janeway to admit her love for Chakotay before it's too late?
T'Pol: Only the ones Mr. Mayweather has written.
Old T'Pol: Then you know how this conversation goes. I won't bore you with the details.
T'Pol: How did you know I was bored?
Old T'Pol: I would have been bored too when I was your age.

Archer: Let's go. Enter the conduit!
Enemy Ships: ZAP ZAP ZA-- hey, what the?
Archer: Looks like our trick of flying the Enterprises on top of each other worked.
T'Pol: Far better, it is worth noting, than Mr. Mayweather's idea to tie the two Enterprises in a Möbius strip would have.
Mayweather: They could only have fired on one side!

Karyn: We can't take much more of this! Riker just got brutally hurled across the bridge!
Lorian: Head for the exit, Enterprise! We'll hold them off! And tell my parents...
Archer: (over the comm) Yes?
Lorian: From Hell's black heart I stab at them!

Captain's Starlog: We've waited for hours, but there's been no sign of the other Enterprise. I guess we've loth Lorian. (ahem) Lost.

T'Pol: Do you suppose they could have survived?
Archer: Considering how many torpedoes they were carrying, I don't see how they could have not survived. I think the windows had phase cannons too.
T'Pol: There is, of course, another possibility. The ship may have ceased to exist when we changed history.
Archer: We spent the whole hour changing history.
T'Pol: Yes, but this last time was special.

Degra: (over the comm) Captain! Your timing is, as always, impeccable: just in time to die.
Archer: Yawn.
Degra: What? Was it not clever enough?
Archer: After spending so much time with a guy named Lorian, I think we're all B5-referenced out.
Degra: Aw. And I had more, too.
(Degra's ship joins Enterprise at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. This parody, however, was written by his past self 117 years ago.