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The Trek Nation - Countdown

Countdown

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 27, 2004 - 4:36 AM GMT

Previously on Star Trek: Enterprise....
Archer: (silence)
Well?
Archer: Can't recap. Staring helplessly at Hoshi's chair.

Dolim: Good! We have captured the human, and considering her relative importance this year, Archer may not even notice she's gone.
Reptile Xindi: But how will we get her to help us?
Dolim: We have... our ways.
Sato: Wow, this chair is so comfy!
Dolim: Oh yes. We have our ways.

Mayweather: Whew! Good to be back on Enterprise.
Tucker: You weren't gone that long.
T'Pol: We have discovered that time dilates in Shuttlepod One. It is a curious phenomenon and one which --
Tucker: No, no, I believe you. Boy oh boy do I believe you. Anyway, while you were gone, the reptile Xindi killed Degra, stole the weapon, and kidnapped Hoshi.
Mayweather: GASP!
Reed: GASP!
T'Pol: ...Oh, right, I have emotions now. GASP!

Unnamed Human Xindi: Those Reptilians are crazy. They can't fire the weapon -- they only have two activation codes.
Archer: And a talented decipherer.
Unnamed Human Xindi: What's your point?
Archer: We'd better go chase them. But we'll need more powerful ships.
Sloth Xindi: The aquatics have several Starfish Destroyers. If we could persuade them to join us....
Archer: No problem! I'm all about the persuading. Just ask Degra.
Sloth Xindi: He's dead.
Archer: And we will not remind the aquatics of that.

T'Pol: Prepare the -- is something wrong?
Tucker: (sigh) I'm worried about Hoshi. I hope she's okay.
T'Pol: I am concerned as well. I was originally supposed to develop a "sisterly bond" with Ensign Sato, and we are already far behind schedule. Her death would not help.
Tucker: Yeah. Hey, how'd you know something was wrong?
T'Pol: You've been pressing the same button for twelve minutes.

Archer: What did you find out about the spheres?
T'Pol: It appears that certain spheres are particularly integral to the anomaly system. Sphere 12, for example, is integral; Sphere -4.7 and Sphere π are not.
Tucker: We think if we go to Sphere 41 we can kill the whole ballpark.
Archer: Why that one? Why not one of the other integral spheres?
T'Pol: Sphere 41 is a definite integral sphere. The others are indefinite.

Sato: Comfy comfy comfy comfy....
Dolim: This is going too slowly. Prepare the Anti-Mental-Resistance Brainwash Parasites!
Sato: Oh no! What do they do?

Unnamed Human Xindi: The aquatics have agreed to meet with you. I doubt they'll help, though. They're comfortable where they are.
Archer: On the fence?
Unnamed Human Xindi: I think it's made of coral.
Sloth Xindi: Speak clearly and don't push them too much. The aquatics are powerful, but very slow to decide anything.
Archer: Got it. No wild Ent-ics.
Sloth Xindi: If you tree-t them right, you'll be fine.

Archer: Hey, guys. First off, I love your ship. I can see you're going for a sort of Baraqua feel.
Aquatic Xindi: <We put on our whole encounter suits for this?>
Archer: Wait! Come back. We need your help.
Aquatic Xindi: <It is not our time. It is yours.>
Archer: We can destroy the spheres!
Aquatic Xindi: <....Really?>
Archer: Yeah-huh.
Aquatic Xindi: <This matter will require deep thought. Call for Aquamoot!>

T'Pol: We could fly around the sphere over and over until it became nauseous. Since spheres have no mouths, it would explode.
Tucker: No good. The shear forces would --
T'Pol: Why are you being so obstinate? This is the fifteenth plan I've suggested that you have vetoed out of hand!
Tucker: They all involved blowing up Enterprise!
T'Pol: Do you prefer Mr. Reed's suggested plan, which involves blowing up the galaxy?
Tucker: That's it. You can do the strategizin' yourself.
T'Pol: No, don't leave. Come back. ...Trip!
Tucker: Wow... did you just call me by my nickname? Are we on a nickname basis now?
T'Pol: (sigh) You may call me Polly.

Dolim: We are making progress, oh exalted Evil Female Borg Future Shapeshifter Queen Guy. But it would be easier if you would simply use your time-travel powers to get us the codes.
Evil Transdimensional Being: If we did everything for you, you couldn't do anything for yourself.
Dolim: You are wise.
Evil Transdimensional Being: (leaves)
Dolim: You are a wise bulk-sized bucket of lame excuses.

Archer: Any word from the aquatics yet?
Sloth Xindi: Remember when I said they're really slow? I'm a Sloth Xindi.
Archer: Ah. Then we have time to talk about something that's bothering me. If we do destroy this weapon, how do I know your people won't build another?
Unnamed Human Xindi: Degra was well respected. The Xindi will honour his wishes -- from now on we'll only blow up the planets you want us to.
Archer: Have I ever talked to you about Vulcan?

Reed: Captain! A bunch of huge ships have just arrived!
Archer: Yes! The aquatics are going to help us!
Tucker: Uh oh. What did you promise them?
Archer: Just the total destruction of the spheres.
Tucker: But we haven't --
Archer: And a budget plan that cuts taxes and increases spending at the same time.
Tucker: That's --
Archer: And the Maltese Falcon.

Evil Transdimensional Being: It's not looking good. The timelines are starting to favour the bold humans.
Evil Transdimensional Being 2: Then we'll have to do something.
Evil Transdimensional Being 3: Do something? Don't you think that's a little out of character for mysterious beings beyond time and space?
Evil Transdimensional Being 2: There's a first time and space for everything.

Reptile Xindi: Whoa! We have the third code now!
Dolim: Well done, human! I'll drink a toast to you. The toast will be your blood.
Reptile Xindi: Ewwwww.

Captain's Starlog: Before we leave, I just want to record an emotional log in praise of the crew. You... you rock, you guys! (sniff)

Reed: I just wish I were the one leading the rescue mission.
Hayes: Don't you like Hoshi?
Reed: Of course I heyyyyyyyyy.
Hayes: Anyway, don't worry. We MACOs care about her as much as you. This mission has brought our crews together in a bond of --
Reed: This could go on for a while. Let's just skip to the manly handshake or whatever.

Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: Yeah, I've missed these Big Three dinners too. I can't wait till we're back to our original mission.
Tucker: I can wait. I seemed to get hammered a lot more back then. Embarrassments, humiliations, pokings, proddings, running around in underwear....
Archer: You got brain-damaged and clone-killed this year! What more do you want? Anyway, what are your plans, T'Pol?
T'Pol: I am considering joining Starfleet. I would of course require a special extra-form-fitting variant of the uniform.
Tucker: ...I have a feelin' that can be arranged.

Dolim: At last! Activate the weapon!
Reptile Xindi: Activating in 5... 4... 3...
Dolim: No, start the count higher. We need to give the enemy fleet time to arrive.
Enemy Fleet: Hello.
Dolim: Never mind.

Reptile and Insectoid Ships: BRZAP BRZAP BRZAP
Sloth, Humanoid, and Aquatic Ships: KEEOO KEEOO KEEOO
Enterprise: SURPRISE LAUNCH FROM INSIDE AN AQUATIC SHIP!
Reptile and Insectoid Ships: Huh. That looked cool, but what was the point?
Enterprise: When you look that cool, you don't need a point.

T'Pol: I've located Hoshi. There's only one linguist sign aboard the Xindi weapon.
Archer: What?
T'Pol: Life sign, linguist sign....
Archer: Pretty weak, Subcommander. Archer to Hayes: Get over there, and don't come back without Hoshi!
Tucker: (over the comm) Oops. Cap'n, I beamed him out before you said those last two words.
Reed: Sweeeeeet.

Hayes: There she is! Can you hear me, Ensign?
Sato: (drowsily) ....MACOs? No thanks, I already ate....
Hayes: Okay, she's out of it. We'd better carry her back to the transport site.
MACO: "We"? You're the macho man. You carry her.

Evil Transdimensional Being: The battle is not going well. We must intervene.
Evil Transdimensional Being 2: Generating big honkin' anomaly....
Evil Transdimensional Being 3: Is the Emissary ever gonna get here?

Reed: A huge anomaly just appeared! It's killing ships and protecting the weapon! And it's... honking?
Archer: Damn! The sphere-builders just goosed us!

Hayes: (over the comm, amid phaser sounds) We've got Hoshi! Beam us out!
Archer: You heard the manly man, Trip.
Tucker: (over the comm) Ener-- oh crap! I just spilled my Dr. Pepper on the console! It'll take me at least five minutes to fix it!
Archer: Shoot. Major, can you hold your position?
Hayes: I couldn't hold my position if it had two E-Zee Grip ergonomic handles at waist level!
Archer: Um... hang in there.

Tucker: (over the comm) Okay, we're ready to go now. But two at a time.
Hayes: Arrg! I knew I shouldn't have brought an even number of MACOs.
Tucker: How's that work? Isn't an even number better?
Hayes: No, because we have Hoshi too.
Tucker: I know, so an even number of MACOs plus Hoshi plus you --
Hayes: I was counting myself as one of the MACOs.
Tucker: Ohhhhh, yeah, it works now. Good one! Hmm, I guess I should have been beaming people up while we discussed that.

Reptile Xindi's Phaser: ZAP
Transporter: WHOO%*?@$SH
Tucker: That didn't sound good. You okay, Major?
Hayes: %*?@$!
Tucker: That'd be a no then.

Reptile Xindi: Woot! Weapon's armed!
Dolim: OPEN A VORTEX! Wow, that sounds great when shouted. OPEN A VORTEX!
Reptile Xindi: OPEN A VORTEX!
Dolim: No, you don't do it right.

Xindi Weapon: ESCAPE
Enterprise and Allied Ships: Crap.

Reed: Major! What happened?
Hayes: Shot... during transport... it's all Dr. Pepper's fault....
Reed: Don't talk. Save your strength. I dunno what for, you're done like dinner.
Hayes: It was... fun.... GAK!
Reed: Beating each other to a pulp? That it was, Major... that it was.

Sloth Xindi: Only one ship can catch the weapon now, and it sure as heck isn't one of mine. Degra's ship is your last chance.
Archer: How well armed is it?
Unnamed Human Xindi: Think slingshots.
Archer: Well, a last chance is a last chance. I'll take Degra's ship. Trip and T'Pol, since they've got nothing better to do, will go trash the spheres for you.
Sloth Xindi: Cool.

Reed: Hayes is dead.
MACOs: (nod)
Reed: No tears for your commander?
MACO: We're too macho to cry.
Reed: Well, I'll be commanding you now.
MACOs: WAAAAAAAAAA!
Reed: Oh, shut up. You, you, and you, come with me. We're going on the last and most important leg of this mission.
MACO: Where to?
Reed: Technically? Disneyland.

Archer: I need to bring Hoshi with me. Is she safe to move?
Phlox: She's barely stable! At least let me come!
Archer: Phlox, we've been through a lot together this year. That's why I can say with total conviction that when it really counts, the farther away from me you are, the better.

Insectoid Xindi: (over the comm) Anomalies happened! I question the Guardians!
(BOOM)
Dolim: So go to heaven and question the Guardian angels. Man, I'm bad.

Tucker: Good luck, Malcolm. Bring me back a souvenir if you can. Like, if you see a chunk of the Berlin Wall lying around.
Reed: You got it. Good luck to you too.
Mayweather: Be careful with Hoshi, okay? If anything happened to her, I'd....
Tucker: You remember the part where she dumped you like a ton of lead-plated bricks, right?
Mayweather: I'm kinda hoping the brain damage erased that.

Archer: Now remember, the alliance depends on this. You have to destroy the spheres.
T'Pol: I am confident that Operation Ballbreaker will be successful.
Tucker: (Shouldn'ta let her name it....) Anyway, you take care of yourself, Cap'n. Kick some Xindi butt for me.
Archer: I will, Trip. I'll kick it for you, and for me, and for Malcolm, and Travis, and Hoshi, and Porthos, and Admiral Forrest, and little Billy who lives down the street, and all the sons and daughters of --
(WHUMP)
Tucker: Did you really just kick Jon into the ship?
T'Pol: There are times when the human race deeply, deeply needs the Vulcans.
(Enterprise and Degra's ship head off at Desperate Speed)

TO BE CONTINUED....

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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Wonder what Trip means about getting Hammered all the time?